Trimming the Fat.

Unlike 2 weeks where I magically had both Saturday and Sunday off, this weekend I spent the better part of my day at the bookstore. Two 10-6 days. It was brutal.

On any other day I would not complain about a 10-6 work day. Let me correct that. I would not complain as much about said 10-6 workday. But where we once had enough employees to cover the basic functioning needs of the store, we are now a slim crew.

A few people graduated this year and moved back home, some quit and got 'better' jobs, some left because the New Manager is an uber bitch and could drive the devil out of hell if you gave her enough time. And well...some got fired.

A week ago the Awesome Manager came up to me and asked me if I was friends with 'Jessica'. She is the youngest person working their (19) and for the most part I like her. I mean, we never hung out outside of work but we spent several hours on the floor NOT helping customers. Anyway, when I said yes, that I was kind of friends with her he said "oh. well if I tell you something about her you have to promise that you won't tell anyone else. PROMISE'.

This was not an unusual request, this manager has a tendency of telling me things. He is by far every one's favorite because he knows we are all pretty young and do the best that we can at our crap job. He's gotten in trouble with the other managers because they think he treats us more like friends than employees. So when he came up to me, I knew he wanted to tell me some top secret thing that could only be between us (and my journal).

Apparently a week earlier, while another manager was on duty, she got a call from a very popular shopping store located in our building, that an employee from the bookstore was caught shoplifting some cd's. Because most of us shop at the store during our break their staff are familiar with our faces. Hence why they were shocked when she strolled in (on her day off) to shoplift. They wanted a manager to come downstairs and identify the suspected shoplifter on the surveillance tape. That employee turned out to be Jessica, and for that reason the managers had no other choice but to fire her.

I haven't told anyone about what Awesome Manager told me but with one less employee at the store I can't help but notice how small our crew has become. We literally have enough people to cover the cash register and customer service. Everyone looks worn out and over worked at the bookstore and you can feel a change in the air. Soon enough a new crop of people will be hired to make up for the huge dent in our staff. New people bring a new dynamic while diminishing the atmosphere that we've created.

But for some reason this does not worry me. Not like it would have in the past.

I honestly, in my heart, know that this is the time for me to move on from the bookstore. It's as if some window has opened and I want to explore it without even looking back. I hope to hear something about another interview with my current dream network in the next day or two. This whole weekend I have been going over what I said, what I wish I would have said, and other very neurotic things in regards to Thursday. And all I can come back to in my mind is that this is a job I can do because I want to do it. Point Blank.

I am not a huge fan of change. I wish I could have talked about this more in therapy but Anxiety fueled much of my discussions then. Unless I am the one initiating it (change), I am perfectly okay with things remaining the same. I think it has to do with the sense that I never had a homestead. My family always moved just at the point where we were establishing sincere friendships and connections. Because of this I am accustomed to bailing on things (people) when it gets to close.

But what I've failed to realize is that I am changing every day. My wants and needs are so far from what they were two years ago. Where working at the bookstore was an adequate use of my time to pay off loans and get out of the house, it doesn't quite cut it anymore. I confessed to my mom that I sometimes feel bad when I apply to other jobs. And that when I went on the interview I felt like I was cheating on the bookstore. It's ridiculous I know, but that's what I felt. But why should I feel bad for wanting to do something extraordinary. For wanting (needing)to step outside of my comfort level and see what I can accomplish if I just...do it.

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few days. The perfect scenario would involve a second interview and subsequent job offer. I will only think of that scenario. I can only think of that one. But whatever happens, there is a window open. I can feel the breeze from outside luring me to step through the pane. And I will, because I can and I'm ready.