Finding Light.

Last night was not a good night. My anxiety flared up again and I was distant, cold and dear i say aloof all night at work.

Hanging around kids is interesting. Sometimes I want to fault them for getting upset so quickly at trivial things. My cousin Michelle use to freak out so quickly that I often thought she was possessed by a demon.

I mean one day, we were sitting around watching the Disney Channel during dinner when she realized her food had suddenly gone cold.

The chick started freaking out. This was beyond a kid tantrum. This was a full blown freak out attack. It wasn't my fault she let the food sit for too long. Wasn't her fault Hannah Montana was one and she was too distracted to eat her then warm chicken nuggets. But it didn't matter. Within a matter of few seconds she screamed "my......food...is...COLD" and then started convulsing on the floor.

I quickly yelled "Michelle! We'll warm it up in the microwave. Chill Out". And guess what?The convulsing stopped, the tears dried and she said "oh" and handed me her plate.

At the time I thought this very sweet child (who loves dirt and the color purple) had gone crazy. But I realized she did, to the extreme of course, what most kids do when they feel unable to fix something. The moment she touched her cold chicken nuggets, she thought they'd always be cold. That her food was ruined and inedible. And rolling around on the floor was the only way to express said frustration and doubt.

And though I have not flailed around on the floor in a very long time, I understand now every little bout of frustration that floods her face when she comes across something that doesn't know how to overcome. It's the feeling of immobility and that you can't DO anything. That you have all the tools necessary to make things better but no clue how to apply them. For Michelle it's: buttoning jackets, putting on mittens, and well...cold food.

For me, it's how to overcome (or deal with ) anxiety and depression and jealousy especially when it strikes out of nowhere.


Last night I was soooo off my game. Matt was annoying the crap out of me all night. Not just Matt.... but everyone was driving me crazy last night if I can be completely honest. Ever since i sent Josh his critique he has billed me as his editor. Last night he came up to me and wouldn't stop talking about his story and that he wanted me to go through some of his scenes and edit his sentences so that it sounds 'fancy'. Then Matt wouldn't stop bugging me about the poem I promised to write him and the story idea I said I would let him know about. He joked around and said 'I'm beginning to lose confidence in you' which you cannot (repeat:cannot) say to a girl like me.

I felt guilty the rest of the night, followed by a tinge of jealousy because the dynamic at work is changing. Kat and Pretty Ricky are now BFF's (go figure). There is a new kid who was just promoted Head Cashier after being there for 5 weeks and I just feel left out of things. Which is no one's fault but my own to be honest. I find myself wanting these meaningful connections but then denying any form of interaction that I am uncomfortable with.

I want much more from these people than what i am entitled to and when I am faced with this fact I get sullen and sad. And it doesn't help that I can be a very irrational person sometimes. I can have two polar ideas in the same breath. And I can want and not want two things in a heartbeat. I am a conflicted, complicated girl.

By the end of the night feeling all but drained of energy I sulked in a corner while no one took notice (except awesome Music Guy). Matt invited a girl from cafe (who has a boyfriend. thank god) to some event he and some friends are throwing, Josh still wouldn't shut the hell up about his writing and there was a hub of people talking and interacting and forming bonds while I remained on the outside.

When I got home I just sort of collapsed into my pillow and let out this very frustrated cry. Anxiety, for me anyway, is as much about control as it is about chaos. I get anxious because I don't know how to verbalize what I feel. I have this fear that no one wants to hear what I have to say. I am moody and sullen and quickly distracted. But those characteristics are paired with a me who 90% of the time is bubbly, funny and kind.

But around other people I feel uninteresting because I don't have fiery red hair and visible emotional scars like Kat, or dazzling blue eyes like Smurf. I don't talk about myself like I am god's gift to world like Josh. I am not really religious and hawt like Pretty Ricky. And I am not street smart like McAbs.

I am small and delicate. I hide behind my hands when people argue, I sometimes wear mismatched socks and I take pictures of light in my room because it sways like it's breathing. It sways and flickers and calms me down.

But a girl like that doesn't have pretty boys falling over them. A girl like that isn't invited into conversations that matter. A girl like me, despite everything that Smurfboy says, still finds herself alone wondering where I fit in or if I ever will.

It was a devastatingly painful night knowing that I let Anxiety shroud my thoughts like that. That I would allow Anxiety to do the opposite of what the flickering lights do in my room. That instead of creating Light where the darkness resides, I let Anxiety time and time again cast shades of doubt because it's easier than fully seeing this interesting, personable, and stellar girl that I am. Despite the troubles that get in the way.

Yeah. Last night was rough. I'm still recovering.