Oh noes!

I may have seriously almost kissed Sean tonight. Or at least wanted to. Or at least had the opportunity to and almost (almost) allowed myself to take advantage of the moment.

Grief has made me a strange girl. I am parts distant and aloof and unwilling to let anyone into my world of sadness and loneliness. This is of course is the very internal side of my life these days. I cry on the way home, I try to keep thoughts about Marie at bay in public, and I worry a lot about the future. I am struggling to understand what my life will look like now that she is gone. I spent most of my day off Thursday crying because I felt guilty for being happy. "James Franco" made me a book ( a honest to god book with a spine and graph paper and a fabric cover) because he wanted me to have a book that I could write my thoughts down in.

And it made me happy, that out of everyone he decided to make me (and kat) a gift. And my gift was a reflection of what he knows about me. And i felt happy, generally happy because he didn't have to make me anything. Why did he make me anything? But for some reason soon after he gave me the gift, I felt guilty and sad because I don't know when it will feel right to be happy about things. I mean sure, i laugh and smile and make jokes, but when will it okay to accept the good in my life, despite this tragedy.

That's what my days are like these days. I am returning back to normal on my terms but the life i new before her death and the one I am leading now are conflicted and struggling to make sense together. In order to handle Marie's death I've been sort of distancing myself from the anxious, self doubting, over-thinking girl who represented that half of our friendship. Marie was such an huge component of my life. I went to her for everything. I rarely made a decision without going to her for approval. And now that she's gone, it feels like I kind of have to figure things out by myself.

And instead of being scared about change, I've sort of been jumping at the opportunity to try new things because it distracts me from my grief. It still has a hold on me but i feel in control of it when I do something the 'me' before her death would have strayed away from. I've been wearing skirts to work and being more assertive about my opinions. I am initiating conversations and going with the flow. I am even being a little more impulsive too, like going in for a tattoo pricing to see how much a Buffy tattoo will cost (it's a small, final girl: the one who survives the scary movie, tribute I'm getting ) Yeah. More about that later.


And everyone around me is taking note of this 'new' beckett. "You look/sound/are so different these days" my friends and mom have commented on and they would be right. There will always be the 'me' that was before Marie died and the 'me' that is coming into her own now that out of the two peas in a pod i am the only one that remains. And I don't know how i feel about this. I feel like this 'new' me that everyone is taking note of is compensating for this loss. I am trying to figure out who I am now that my other half is gone and I am bound to make a few mistakes and/or bad decisions along the way.

Today might have been one of those bad decisions that I will learn from.

Sean and I have been a terrible mess of arguing, not arguing, 'I want to confide in you', 'you can't help me at all' friends lately. While I only see him a couple of days a week, I have taken my grief out on him a lot more than others because I sort of feel like he can handle it. Part of it has to do with his physicality. He's a well built, strong, masculine guy who makes a point of being macho around me. His job consists of building and breaking down things, lifting and carrying shit. Fixing and putting together objects. And because i am an emotional wreck lately I have a tendency of equating his ability to fix broken things to my own current state.

So i test him. I have in the last few weeks put him through the ringer. I can be cold and distant one moment and then desperately wanting to tell him how I am really feeling . And he's been a champ about it. I mean as much as he can towards a girl who is not his girlfriend. As long as I tell him how I am doing the moment we see each other he is receptive to my feelings. He doesn't push me to talk about anything I don't want to and while he isn't good at dealing with my sadness when I do come to him, he makes sure to let everyone else around me know that I am not in the mood.

And this new, weird relationship that we have is very confusing. Because I am not sure if I am acting out in regards to my attraction to Sean because I'm in this sad place or if it's because i generally like him and trust him and he's been very patient with me these last few weeks. And I know that he has a girlfriend, so i try with all my might to be a platonic as possible despite my actual feelings for him.

Today was going to be one of my cold/distant days towards him. Our newish store manager was being a dick the whole day and I had the 'pleasure' of putting up 12 new shelves in the kids department because it's a part of a large project that I'm sort of in charge of. Five hours of hearing new managers mouth and dragging shelves from the back, taking down old ones, and then putting up new ones put me in a very cranky mood. I was dirty and sweaty and ready to go home when I bumped into Sean as I was putting the measuring tape back into the managers office. I grumbled 'hello' when i saw that he was clocking in but walked out when he called after me because i didn't want to be pulled in for a 'minute to long' hug. I just wanted to clock out and go home.

But he said my name again and when I turned around to deny him a hug, i knew immediately that something was wrong. His face was all red and he could barely look at me and he kept ushering me over with his hang (our hug motion). And when I finally came over he buried my face in his chest and I could feel his heart beating so fast. I kept asking what's wrong but he wouldn't say anything and because we were standing in front of co-workers I dragged him into the hallway, away from them, so he would tell me.

When we pulled away, he was barely holding back the tears. Long story short, he is having a lot of issues with his family (mainly his dad) and they(dad and him) almost came to blows today. He was pacing the hallway between the break room and the backroom (where only employees are allowed) as he struggled to get the words out, so i suggested we go into hallway leading to receiving where no one could see us.

And the moment we are out of sight from managers or customers he can't hold back how frustrated his is. I don't think I've ever seen a boy cry before. Not outside of family members. And I was a little taken aback because he's the strong one, you know. I'm just the sad girl, who doesn't open up to people, who feels alone and afraid now that her pod is gone.

And i can tell he's struggling to tell me what is going on. But he does, outside of trying to hold back his tears. And this is when I take a seat on some boxes nearby, and listen intently. And I don't know what to do because i can't fix it or him or me or life. So I let him cry, in his weird boy crying way. After a while, he goes from being sad to angry at his dad and i can tell he wants to now punch something or curse. And, I don't know if saying anything will make him feel better. Because words have not helped me these last few weeks.

So, in a very surprising move, I just wave him over. I tell him to come over to me. In between his cries (and growing anger) I just, put my hand out and tell him to come over so that i can hold him. It's all I can do because it feels right. And he does. He takes me hand, and he pulls me up from where I'm sitting and brings me into his chest and he cries, and he's shaking and he's apologizing because:

"you've, like, lost someone really important and everything I'm feeling like now pales in comparison. but I'm so fucking miserable"

So then I start shaking, and i let out a sigh (because this is the first time he has brought up what I've been going through without me mentioning it)that turns into a cry that i muffle back into a

'it's okay, I don't want you to think you can't come to me because of what I've been going through. I just kind of need you to be okay because i don't know how to make this better. And I'm scared and freaking out because I don't know if this is helping'

So then he tells me not to be scared and he's stroking me hair and I'm listening to his heartbeat and we remain like that for the next few minutes and when we finally pull away there is like this moment where....

...I wanted to be happy. And I wanted not be sad. I wanted him not to be sad. And I almost ignored reason and my own moral code so that we could connect.

But I didn't. Because I immediately felt guilty for whatever had just occurred. So I patted his stomach, and smiled awkwardly and told him everything was going to be okay and that we should probably get out of the hallway.

And we sort of left on that note. I told him to stay calm as to get through the night and he thanked me for listening. And then, naturally i cried on the way home because I don't understand who the hell I am anymore or what the hell I'm doing or why I've let myself become so attached to him. Or who I am now that grief is such a huge part of my life.

What the hell? This makes me a sort of bad person right? Shit.

Before I left, Sean halfheartedly said (after I told him if he needed anything he knew where to find me) that he wished he could come to my house later after work 'you know, just drive up at 1am in the morning, to talk, but that would be crazy right'. Yes! It would be crazy and stupid and kind of nice but stupid and crazy and dumb and impulsive. And I hate that i feel so impulsive these days. And I hate that I always told him too.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing. Everything feels so weird and strange. And I wish I had my best friend here to help me through the feelings I'm feeling and the sadness I don't know how to heal and the grief that is changing me into a person neither better or worse.... but different.

End Rant :/