Slow Days. They are Super.

Sorry to be documenting my life these days via pictures. But some days I find writing about myself more difficult then taking pictures. It's not that I don't have the words to put down on 'paper' but i get weary by the weight of my words. Especially because I am consumed with grief and longing and a desire to return to life post Marie's death. Especially because I am also, slowly, accepting the changes around me that have come with such as great loss.

Surprisingly, out of the pain and depression and sulky days, I'm becoming a young lady. I am finding my voice and desires and am blossoming to some form of potential I never knew i possessed. I'm finally getting use to my own skin and while it is a terrifying transition it feels long over due.

While internally i often feel fragile and a delicate and in between broken pieces and shards of glass, I continue, everyday, despite the apprehension and loneliness and fear and grief, to get up. I continue to find things that I love and I work from there. Some days are harder than others. But I try.


Last Wednesday I had a mini breakdown because I realized my birthday is less than 3 weeks ago. I'll be 26 years old and Marie and I planned our countdown to the year of Awesome to commence on my birthday. I haven't spent one without her since I was 13 years old. I already know that when midnight strikes on March 1st I will miss her more than ever because she always sent a 'i was the first once to wish you a happy birthday' text.

My birthday use to be this thing Marie hyped me up about. She'd playfully talk about it on the phone like a child whose own birthday was just around the corner. She is no longer here to do this and the sulky part of me wishes that this year, anyway, that my birthday could just be another day on the calendar.

But so many of my work friends are aware that my birthday is around the corner. It may have something to do with Kat going around and telling everyone, but regardless, the attention has been a little overwhelming. I am not use to people remembering my birthday. I am not use to them wanting to take me out and wish me into another year. It makes me sad, happy too, but said.

Sean came up to me the other night and said 'so, what do you want me to get you for your birthday?'.

And I sort of stared at him like 'how do you know my birthday is coming up'. I mean yes, we are on good terms these days. I like him more than I should. The other night he drove a friend and I home as he does most nights. In the parking lot he took a minute to gather his book bag and groceries on the trunk of his car. I was sitting in the back, legs snuggled up again his sweatshirt and as I turned around to put my seat belt on I couldn't stop staring at his face through the glass. He was lost in the act of re-shuffling his items, off in his own head of this goes here, this goes there and I loved his face then. In a dumb schoolgirl way. I loved his face.

But we are still just work buddies. He does nice things for me occasionally. I listen to him intently. But he isn't mine. And maybe that's why when he brought up getting me something for my birthday I just starred at him with this incredulous look on my face. So he repeated the question again 'Beckett, seriously what do you want for your birthday?'

"I don't know. Surprise me. Make me something. I'm not use to having more than one person remember my birthday, so even, just saying Happy Birthday will be nice'

And that's sort of the truth when it comes to everyone. Just to have people remember that it's my special day will be nice. I'm not asking for much.

Outside of the birthday sadness, I'm doing okay. I'm working on crafts and listening to music and coloring mandalas in the morning. My mom recently bought me a sewing kit and maybe I'll learn to make something pretty. And as a pre-valentines day present to myself i book this awesome geekcraft book! There is a Buffy inspired craft inside that I am all too excited to begin. The busier I am, the better I feel. And I like creating things. I forgot how excited it is to start a project from scratch and finish it.

My days now revolve around getting up, drinking tea, reading books and dancing. Oh, and an occasional back seat photo shoot of my boots and leggings in my crushes car. I'm comfortable with this. I am making things comfortable out of the pain.

And I must admit that it ain't perfect and I'm sort of being selfish these days but i am terribly okay with that.

~Beckett