What Had Happened Was...

First step to mending a broken heart....destroy every last thing Sean ever purchased/stole for me.

This week has been rough. Standing behind me decision to distance myself from Sean makes me feel fucking crazy. I know that this boy does not need to be a part of my life. I know that i need to move on. I have been playing it cool really well these last few shifts at work. I am polite but i keep my distance. I am friendly but not his friend. He asks how I am doing. I say fine, thanks, and I walk away. I do not look for him at the store so we can talk. I do not wait to take my break with him.

I am treating him like a co-worker. And while he has noticed this change in affect towards him he seems for the most part okay.  He is as unaffected as a robot, which drives me crazy. And this past week of playing it cool around him has not gone super well. I am able to be nice and polite when he is around but i as soon as i get home I fold into the covers and cry like a pathetic loser.

Last night was unusually rough. I just couldn't handle working with him. Annoying Guys girlfriend came back from her weekend long vacation and Sean and her spent the whole shift talking. I felt jealous and angry and replaced. I tried to hide my disdain but lost my shit one of our security guards asked if Sean and Annoying Guys gf were dating because he'd seen them chatting it up in the kids department.

Rational me would have been annoyed by this (because i loathe annoying guys annoying girlfriend) and brushed the comment aside. But irrational me is a crazy bitch. I loathed Annoying Guys Annoying Girlfriend. She hates Sean. Why the fuck are they all close and friendly. Why they fuck did he follow her around like a lapdog. Why isn't he trying harder to make amends with me instead of fucking around with her. I told you, irrational me is a crazy stupid girl. So of course I fumed the rest of my shift. I left work in a huff, jumped into my friend Justin's car and cried on the way home.

I immediately relayed everything to Justin in my driveway. He is a very very platonic friend. He is also the most neutral person I have ever come across. He sees both sides to every thing and I needed to tell someone outside of the Sean and I drama. I needed an observer. Outside of Kat and this blog, having to keep this all to myself is killing me. Literally it is eating me alive.

I have felt crazy because I am unable to just 'move on'. I want to move on. A part of me wants things to return to normal while the other part of me is okay with that not happening. But I want this boy to feel like the piece of shit that he is. I just want to see it once and it'll make me feel better. I don't want to see him hamming it up with people at work while I am dying inside. I don't want him laughing and having a grand old time while I am sad and disjointed.

But because he is sub-human, it's like throwing punches at a wall trying to make him feel anything. I on the other hand have the disease of the FEELS. I feel every single fucking emotion like i am getting paid. When I am sad, i am doubled over in my pillow sad. When I am anxious I am skin crawling shaking anxious.

I feel used and disrespected by this whole ordeal. I feel ashamed. Worst of all I feel wrong about a boy I really liked. I feel sort of like an ashat for ignoring all the warning signs. I feel stupid for thinking he could be anything short of an asshole.

And Justin listened patiently. He seemed at a loss for words at first but then presented his neutrality to me. I could either accept that the whole thing was fucking weird and that Sean's an asshole and move on or accept the bath/shower thing for face value, that I got to see my crush naked, shit went down and move on.

The gist of it...move on.

Then when I told him that it was hard to do because I want to punch him in his face every time i see him, Justin suggested I take my anger out elsewhere. To find something, break the shit out of it, repeat until i felt a little better. But afterwards I'd have to find a way to move on.

And so 3 hours later, i decided to take his advice. I found myself sitting cross-legged on my floor with this Bioshock infinite game in my hand. Sean bought it for me for my birthday a month after the actual date because he was too busy. He then broke the first disc (it came with four. 2 being the actual game, the other ones were extra content) by accident when I was at his house and we decided to play it there. For the last few months I have held on to this game I can't play because HE bought it for me. It was the first thing he ever bought for me that I didn't have to ask for.

It was the first thing I needed to destroy. And sure i felt crazy as fuck ripping the living shit out of this box set but it was a little therapeutic. This is going to get easier. I know it will. It has to. I have survived worse. I keep telling myself this. I have survived worse from people who actually meant something to me and who i meant something too. I will survive and move past this. I am certain of it.

~Beckett

And yes, cleaning up the mess was not as fun. I think there are still shards of plastic on my floor.