Survivor Girl

Despite warnings from damn near everyone....I wanted to see Sean during his time home for leave. It's something i had to do. It's something that after four years needed to be done.

I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.

I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.

But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.

The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.

The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.

It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:

When i was in the fourth grade our class  raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies.  We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.

By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.

I was prepared.

But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.

I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.

And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.

But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that.  There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything,  should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.

At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.

 But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly  two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.

I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.

And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.

Motherfucker is crazy.

Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.

I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.

But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires.  I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.

It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.

I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.