I am not a person who worries much about getting older. I enjoy it actually. When I was kid, the idea of being an adult was exciting, and even now though their are aspects of adulthood I absolutely loath, I think age, like wine, is something that gets better over time.
This doesn't mean that I don't freak out from time to time when I evaluate where I am in life in relation to my age. My friend recently turned 30 and weeks before her birthday she was damn near in tears talking about the big 3-0. There is this stigma that you should have shit figured out by then: a stable career, a solid relationship, ownership of your life in some drastic way. It doesn't help that most of my friends are currently around the same age as our parents were when they were having us. Which in some weird way makes us feel older
Because the last few months have been challenging I must admit that while I don't think I will ever fear the hand of time creeping up on me, I do hear it ticking from time to time, like the sound of a harmless fly trying to escape an enclosed space. In less than 3 weeks I will be 29 years old and I can't escape the fact that where I am at in life now is not where I saw myself at 29.
Since the big move and subsequently quitting Le Sad Store I have found myself in a weird place. I am suddenly as poor as I was when I first moved to New York six years ago. I am barely making enough money to pay rent and feed myself, I love my new place but it doesn't really feel like home yet and I miss my old life. I miss it in some weird Stockholm syndrome way. It's illogical i know, and even as I write this I know I do not miss much about working two jobs, never having the weekends off, crying every night because of Sean, living in someone else's house and sharing a bathroom. But as I am struggling to adjust to my new life it's fear of the unknown that makes me nostalgic.
As soon as I moved to my new place I knew I was going to have to get a new job ASAP. At the time I was only working 2 or 3 shifts a week at the store and wasn't pulling in much money anyway. Combined with having to pay for transportation I figured it would be a good job to quit the store which I have wanted and needed to do for sometime. I was banking on acquiring a full time position at the university soon after to cover my living expenses.
In December I interviewed for and was about to get a full time job at the University until an email was sent out soon after winter break explaining that due to budgeting issues (a loss of 2 million dollars) a temporary hiring freeze would be in effect to any and all jobs that were not filled before break. My job, my relief from the storm, was one of them. To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I do not like being broke. I hate it. I loathe it actually. I have never been well off but I am not used to not being able to afford basic things. It's fucking depressing.
Since November my mom has been helping me out financially so I can look for a job and not worry so much about money woes and while I am grateful I also feel incredibly guilty. I am still at the University but only part time and my love of this place has turned into resent in some way. It's an amazing place to work if you are a full time employee, if you are part time you are wasting your breath unless you have another job. Going back to Le Sad Store part time has never been an option. I filed a complaint against the new manager for sexual harassment (he didn't harass me but was making sexually explicit comments to other employees who came to me to complain) and while the claims were backed up he has yet to be fired and I refuse to work for him.
While I usually function best with a little stress nipping at me, this current stress is taking it's toll. I am unhappy. Miserable if i can be honest and it doesn't help that in a few weeks I will be another year older and for this first time in my life I feel like i have nothing to show for it. I don't have a career, I don't have companionship, i barely have friends and I cannot support myself. I want to stop missing Sean. I want to a full time job with benefits. I want to be able to buy my mom actual presents this year instead of the i.o.u sentimental cards she has had to put up with. I want a new life and at the same time I don't think I want to be an adult anymore. Being an adult is too hard. Just too hard.
I write this only to vent of course. I have this unending belief that things will get better eventually, I just need that eventually to be today.
Le sigh.
2 comments:
I am with you in believing that things ultimately get better. Is there anything you could do in the interim to maybe change the dynamic of your life right now? Volunteering for a worthwhile cause is always good. I hope you can find a way to nurture your soul until your present trying circumstances change. Altruism is a thought though, if you can come up with a venue that will allow you to help others. Your depth, and intelligence could so benefit others. You have a lot to offer, just got to figure out how to do it.
I felt shocked when I saw you mention that soon you'll be 29. I thought: NO! Beckett's like 25!
I think a lot of people aren't where they thought they'd be. And those who are where they thought they be, are wondering why they wanted to be there.
I wish you had my therapist badgering you to go meet people, to do Things and Use The Internet to Find Groups of People.
More than that, I wish you had a fabulous job that paid well and was really satisfying, and that you have great co-workers, and maybe even one of them is a cute boy who totally digs you.
I think the things you want the most will come. In the meantime, remember to enjoy the things you have. Fill your time with good books and taking photos and watching movies and talking to friends. Go out to eat every once in awhile, alone or with a friend. Buy flowers for yourself. Get the new skirt you really liked, even if you "shouldn't." Those things are all happy-making, and are signs you are living your life, not just killing time as if every day was just a waiting room for something better.
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