If This Were Pretty in Pink...

I am not the greatest decision maker. It's just fact. I have, in the past, mulled over decision for days and weeks before making up my mind and even then I am not 100% sure i've made the right one.

Lately most of my decision making involves food: what do i want to eat for dinner, what should i pack for lunch, should i throw out this stale bread or save it to feed the birds at the pond near my house. And even then, i can't readily decide the best outcome for myself, so instead, i'll go to bed hungry or throw cookies in my sandwich container instead of making lunch or keep the stale bread until their is mold and neither I nor the birds can eat it.

I am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am terrified and yet always filled with regret some how and paralyzing indecision. My mom says it's because I spend to much time with sliding door scenarios. Instead of just accepting the path my decision will take me on and dealing with it as I go along, I consider every minute detail until I have driven myself into a frenzy.

Today has been one of those days.

Two weeks I didn't even have one job offer and today I suddenly two. During my week of job interviews I interviewed for a really small  construction company (6 people in total) that is literally around the corner from my house and that pays significantly more than Justin's GF job. It was long shot that i'd even get this gig because I am super under qualified and I do not have a car (which is something he seemed to stress). The obvious perk was of course the fact there be'd no transportation and the pay was well over my asking price.

He said he would make a decision by the end of the week (last week) but that he liked me and would be in contact as soon as he talked to some other candidates. But then Patricia contacted me and invited me to her office and she was so fucking excited about me working with her and to be honest I was fucking excited as well.

Since quitting Le Sad Store and ending things with Sean my life is pretty depressing these days. The town I live in is adorable but I have not met anyone my age to hang out with and honestly I am sort of seeking companionship. The long-term sort of one. My friend Heather and Kat are the only two people I see/talk to regularly (outside of my mom) and it often feels like I am in seclusion. Kat implemented a pj/movie night at my apartment every Friday which at first was fun until I realized that everyday at my house with or without Kat is pj/movie night. I have no social life, little to no human interactions with peers and the highlight of my week once was that I marathoned a whole season on Law and Order over the weekend never once taking off my pj's.

So while the pay and lack of transportation were appealing at first, I realized the construction job would also in some way enable this solitary existence. I would crawl out of bed, go to work, be in charge of running all the administrative duties of a small company and then return home after an 8 hour day to spend by myself. Kat disagreed of course. She said being close to home would give me more time to do things failing to see that I do not have anyone to do things with. Heather disagreed as well lamenting that I would have money so who the hell cares about being alone.

I did not throw in their faces that they were both born and raised here. That they are surrounded daily by family members, friends and boyfriends. They both live rent free with their significant others and are constantly doing things outside of their job which compensates for how much they both dislike their jobs.  Sure they complain about loneliness as well but I don't think they truly really know what it looks and feels like to be lonely. I sometimes forget what my name sounds like outside of my own voice because no one ever says it. I have gone days without talking to people and when I have reached out I feel pitiful and then pitied.

I guess this is something i have not readily admitted to myself or other people but it is a factor that has made the last few months unbearably sad. Not only do i feel secluded geographically but mentally and emotionally. I miss intimacy and no amount of money can replenish the loss.

So when the job with Patricia opened up I was excited on many levels. I hand't heard back from the construction company yet, there were mad cuties where she works and the salary is exactly what I wanted (minus my traveling expenses of course which would be about 5 dollars a day). But the main factor was that it would allow me to interact socially with a diverse group of people in a new town. Coming home would feel just as so...coming home. Home being a place I enjoy and want to retreat too when the real world hasn't been kind. Lately home has been a jail cell where I return to because I am not fit for human interaction.

There was little to no hesitation when she called a few hours after my interview to offer me the job. Partly out of financially desperation but mainly from the standpoint that I wouldn't be working alone. Since receiving the good news I have been on a high! I finally, after six years, have a full time job! I will soon be able to afford things! I will also be able to make friends! office friends but still friends!

And then....the construction company called this morning, left a voicemail and offered me the higher paying job. I was hoping they wouldn't call so the decision was placed out of my hands but life has a way, even when things are going well, to kick sand in your face.

 I called my mom, I called Heather, I called Kat in a damn near frenzy. I already accepted one job (which I plan to start Thursday) I couldn't suddenly go back on my commitment just because the one that pays more money shows an interest right? Kat and Heather both thought i was crazy for even mulling over the decision: take the one with more money, right around the corner, I [Kat] can now come to  your house right after work because you live down the street and we can watch more tv. I [insert Heather] can now visit you during your lunch break because I work in the same town. But I [insert Beckett] am not quite convinced that more money will make up for how unhappy I am. Sure it will allow me to buy more things and come home super early after work...but that's it. That's all. And at the end of the day that is the last thing I want.

The construction job is the Blaine to Patricia's Duckie job (pretty in pink reference to anyone who hasn't seen it but seriously everyone has seen this movie right). And while Molly Ringwald eventually choose Blaine, I'd rather take my chance on Duckie, just for now you know. With this being my first real full time job where I will regardless make more money than I ever have I also want the perk of meeting people.

For love or money I have surprised myself by recognizing I am a person who prefers love over the luxury of money. And in this case 'love' is possibility. It is risk. It is choosing my needs over my wants.