So things are definitely awkward between Shane, aka Creepy Guy, aka CreepMaster Funk, aka Eww Dude, and I and to be honest I care only enough to blog about it because as Sunday comes to a close I am already annoyed by the bullshit of a week I will have to endure because of this emasculated pervert.
I am much too old to deal with a dude who crossed the line.I am much to old to try and cater to hurt feelings.
I know for a fact had I had to deal with this situation a couple of years ago I would feel responsible and guilty for Creepy Guys action. I would have placed blame on myself, for any number of reasons, as to why he crossed a boundary with me. I know that I probably would have let it go on rather than stop it cold. I know I would not have gone to Trish out of embarrassment and irrationality (why would anyone find me interesting enough to want be so suggestive) to discuss how uncomfortable he has made me feel. I would have endured alone and I have little to no doubt that something would have happened physically, emotionally and spiritually which would have immobilized me.
At the ripe old age of 29 however, that shit will not and does not fly. It's weird getting older. It does get better, however cliche the statement is. Things eventually get better, even when it seems like they won't, they just do. I am still very much insecure and anxious and socially awkward. I still cannot make small talk to save my life and there is and always will be dancing in my pj's on Friday nights. Always. I still daydream and feel out of touch and obsess about Buffy. I am still the same person I was 10 years ago but instead of feeling weird about my idiosyncrasies, I've just learned to accept and embrace, accept and embrace, and what a difference this mantra has proven.
Overnight I've grown a backbone or at least the lack of patience to put up with bs. It may be the only thing I can thank Sean for if I can be honest. I was dragged around for so long by the boy, that I know now how much of a waste that is and the toll that it takes on me. Now I am a champion of assertiveness. I try not to beat around bushes, I stray from pettiness, and I lay my cards on the table. Passivity will never escape me fully, but I now know which battles are worth fighting and which aren't. Creepy Guys creepiness is one of them.
Obviously money was not the deciding factor when I took this job. While the pay is great, the job that was also offered to me at the same time paid significantly more and would have saved me hours and money on commuting. I passed on it mainly because the office was tiny and I knew i'd be alone. Despite my anxiety, I really do like working with and around people, I like being part of a team (even a dysfunctional one) and I had this overwhelming sense that i'd be completely isolated working mere minutes from my house. Isolation for me is a good and bad thing. I like solidarity on my terms, I do not like it when it is routine.
So in a crazy move, I took the lesser paying job, in favor of working with people. And for the most part the decision has been a good and frustrating one.
Positive: I am surrounded by people, am always busy and there is never a dull moment at my job. There's an older woman a cubicle away from me who has suddenly become my book sharing buddy. She reads all the bestsellers and new titles and has recently started letting me borrow them after she's finished. I think we have unintentionally started a book club here, though so far we are the only members. Working in customer service is oddly enough also a positive because I am also constantly interacting with people/clients albeit angry and hostile ones but my voice has a way of soothing people and so far there are worse things to do for a living.
Negative: For someone who has worked for both a corporation and University, the lack of policies at this place is killing me. This company has only been in business for six years and naturally lacks the business knowledge of what works well and what doesn't. I am all about efficiency and meeting deadlines and quotas. I am also all about work policies that everyone should abide by. I think tardiness needs to be reprimanded, I think goals have to be given, enforced and reached and I think failure to comply to this should be meet with some form of consequence. The fact that someone who is supposed to be in at 9am can stroll in at 10:30 and no one says anything is beyond frustrating. Yesterday the marketing team went to lunch for 2 hours. 2 whole hours and they only work half days on Friday. The owner of the company (who is often never there) rarely enforces the rules because he wants to be a chill boss and because of this people are taking advantage and work isn't getting done. This week our manager, the only enforcement we have, was out of town for vacation so the office was beyond chaotic. I know from experience that when things fall through the crack it's an avalanche rather than a small decline and I, surprisingly am the only person who is not okay with our everyday is casual Friday work ethic.
The biggest negative is Shane, whose hurt feeling and subsequent emasculation has resulted in a) me being banished from the lunch group and b) complete and utter silence from him as a result. It's beyond juvenile.
The short end of it is that the moment i started there he'd ask really weird and personal questions that I was uncomfortable with.I am not sure what his relationship is like Trish. but they are definitely close and make up a two person impenetrable team, and for some reason I think he got the impression that I too would form some weird office bond with him. Just not the friendship bond.
It started with him asking me how many guys hit on me per day, if I had any tattoos on any part of my body that were not visible due to clothing, if my coffee breaks after work were actual lingo for 'sex', if i was into the whole 50 shades of grey phenom.
It doesn't sound like much but coming from a guy i've known less than 3 months it was beyond uncomfortable and it only got worse.When I started becoming friends with Lyle, Shane started saying that Lyle and I were close because we were doing inappropriate stuff together.He asked about my tattoos again but this time asked if I had any on my breast. I called out of work a few weeks ago cause I caught the bug that was affecting us all in the office. I returned the next day but Lyle had just called out too because of sickness. During lunch that day Shane made a snide comment that Lyle must have caught his cold from me because we probably were passing 'fluids'.
A week or two later Trish and I were talking about someone we used to work with at Le Sad Store. Said person wanted to have a mini Le Sad Store reunion but some how managed to not invite me. This same person also unfriended me a few months back and this recent diss seemed personal. As I was lamenting about her and the slight, Shane (out of nowhere) says 'did you steal her boyfriend or something".
Now I know what you are thinking, cause I too have thought it. Shane's subtle, or not so subtle, suggestions about me being a harlot has made me question what Trish has told him about me, if anything. Because unless he is just an inappropriate dirty dude, I cannot for the life of me understand how or why he got that impression unless something was said to him in passing about me. And for obvious reasons, Trish definitely knows about the ashat and I. I mean I confessed everything to her bf who no doubt told her....but from what I know of her I can't imagine me or the ashat being a topic of discussion at lunch.
The only other alternative is that creepy guy is just creepy and I am his new object of obsession.
He'd hover around my cubicle like a fly that I couldn't get rid of. He kept asking if we could hang out after work near my house. He never once talked about his wife or newborn baby but he would ask me what 'fun' i had planned on my weeknights. And while I'd hate to compare this to anyone who has actually experience sexual harassment at the work place, I will validate that Shane made me uncomfortable, his questions/remarks were inappropriate and I was beginning to feel unsafe around him.
Before I even went to Trish about my concerns, I stopped responding to Shane on all levels. Outside of a hi in the morning, I ignored his gchat invites, I stopped attending lunch everyday with them so as to avoid him, I made sure not to prolong conversations that could steer in the wrong direction and I refused to be alone with him...ever. I think he sensed my cold shoulder because instead of respecting my space he got more snippy and aggressive with me. Remind you he is not my boss, but he started nitpicking little things that made no sense. One time he offered to help me out with a project and then got annoyed that I asked him for help (which I did not do). He'd see Lyle and I talking in the kitchenette and make some comment about how close we are (grant it, Lyle and I are blooming work besties but that's it). On Fridays, everyone leaves early, but he said I can't. That I have to stay until 6pm and of course guess who stays with me...him.
The kicker came when he told me I wasn't allowed to eat lunch with our lunch group anymore because he noticed that i only went to lunch with them 3 times out of the week instead of five and if that was the case I didn't need to eat with them anymore and would have to take my lunch at another time.
Da Fuck.
Da fuckidy fuck.
When I was 17 or 18 years old my mom took my brother and I to visit our Great Aunt Tit. The name alone should give you some insight into her personality. She was this small, wiry, masculine, vivacious and haughty women with a raspy voice and hard lines. I think I fell in love with her as soon as I ascended the porch steps to her house. I, of course had bad hair, a sullen attitude was chubby and boyish and had no interest in being social with family members foreign to me. Aunt Tit caught on to this quickly and instead of letting me go inside with my brother to meet cousins with similar features but little else in common, she asked that I stay on the porch with the women of the household, who have a tendency of talking on the porch for hours.
As I sat in the corner sulking I would catch Aunt Tit looking at me from time to time with a curios expression on her face, so much so that I thought she too was criticizing me silently in some way (insecure 17 year old me was AWFUL). After a few glances my way she announced quite cryptically "you, you are going to be trouble for boys. just wait". And because i was gross and 17 and insecure and had a cowlick that never wanted to lay down, I didn't believe her. Instead I suddenly disliked her because I thought she was making fun of me. But now at 29, I think my crazy Great Aunt Tit might have been on to something.
I know that I can't make generalizations, and honestly my dating life outside of Ashat has been pretty uneventful but there is something in the water with the boys who tend to like me. Damaged, needy, all consuming and possessive by turns equally dismissive, aloof and in ashats case cruel. While I am not everyone's cup of tea in the small pool of guys who like me I am 'cool' 'refreshing' and a 'concept' because of my nerdy interest. But the moment I assert an actual opinion, desire, request, personality uniquely different from the person who caters to making people feel comfortable...I am a bitch. I am needy. I am immature. I am no longer a commodity.
In Shane's case when i went along with his weird questions, and didn't get all offended by his 'suggestions' I was awesome! The moment I shut the shit down, I became a problem and his only way of fixing it was to cast me aside.
He came up to me in front of everyone and said I could not eat with them anymore. He gave some bullshit excuse about their being no one in the office at a particular time to answer the phones, so I couldn't eat lunch with them anymore because it was a conflict of productivity. I rolled my eyes, called bs on the whole scenario and said I was fine eating alone but I would take my lunch whenever I wanted to, regardless.
Over the weekend I couldn't let the lunch shit go. I also couldn't understand why Trish had not done much to protest. I know we aren't close friends and all but isn't there like an unspoken girl code or something that says 'sisters back each other the fuck up'. She did not get that memo, she is the worst girl friend ever.
Regardless, I decided to talk to her about Shane and admit that he'd said some pretty inappropriate stuff to me and that is why i'd been distant. She was shocked and a little appalled by what he'd said but as the days have progressed she too seems to be pulling away from me. As if I have exaggerated the incidents and am a sensitive girl crying wolf. After our talk on Monday Trish barely said two words to me the rest of the work week and a line in the sand has definitely been made: an uneven line.
I am dreading Monday morning and walking into work because suddenly I am the pariah. I am the heretic and i'd be lying if I said the whole situation hasn't gotten under my skin. I took this job because i wanted to make friends and in turn I managed to possibly lose a potential one along with gaining an enemy in a creepy older guy who now is being a douche. I just can't win. I always manage to cause a little trouble whenever I am.
Le Sigh.
For now I won't worry too much about the shenanigans bound to occur at work. I had a hella successful Ikea trip this weekend and I am so happy with the small changes that have been added to my place (a new bookshelf, a dresser and a kitchen cart). I spent all damn nigh building the furniture and my whole body aches but my life and self worth outside of work is only getting better. So i'll worry about perverts and mean girls and being a pariah tomorrow.
Right now I am going to order a big ass pizza pie, grab a cold cider and marathon Sense8 on Netflix. Right now i'm going to focus on my priorities.
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