Happenings.

I will admit that for the unforeseeable future postings will be very sporadic.

It seems the more I tell myself I am going to document things, the less motivated I am to sit down and actually replay my days and experiences in written form. I don't really know how to explain it. A part of it has to do with writing itself which has become an uncomfortable and anxious thing for me. I continue to change and grow everyday and in doing so my voice as a 'writer' has adapted.

I am often struck by how different I sound and look on paper. I don't know who this voice is that wants to write about my life but she is unrecognizable to me, especially as I struggle in many ways to figure out my life.

 Additionally, the nature of blogging has changed. I recognize that it's probably just the ebb and flow of how and what we share nowadays. When I first started journaling, I was a sophomore in college and based on earlier posts, could crank out about 20-30 entries a month. Now I can barely crank out that many posts a year.

Looking back I am not sure how I was able to post as much as i did! I definitely went to class, I definitely attempted to be a person (from time to time) but seriously I am not sure how I managed to write as much. Where the hell did i get all that free time.

 Anyway, things (me) have changed so much in 10 years that writing has unfortunately taken a back seat as has maintaining this blog.Obviously for reasons of vanity and nostalgia, I will continue to blog and write about myself as much as possible but for the time being I've decided to do so in a much smaller capacity, to take the pressure off of myself honestly. Because the transition often feels like pressure.

As far as updates go, things have been pretty okay in Beckett-land. As well as things can be. Work continues to suck my soul and I am pretty miserable with office-life. Since the fallout with Patricia, I have become public enemy #1. Not with everyone in the office but definitely among her small clique. I feel like there is a scarlet letter on my head. It seems so silly that the two of us cannot resolve our hatred of one other (Because we do hate each. I know this much). Especially since it all started over a man, acting like a perverted and hard up teenager with blue balls.

 Since July we haven't said much to one another. There was an attempt at a small truce after her boyfriend (unfortunately my now ex friend) sent me an email begging me to make things right between us (because of course, I was the one who had to fix things. you know, not the person who messed it all up in the first place). For the sake of my friendship with her boyfriend, I attempted to make amends. I went out of my way to conduct small talk, I comforted her when her grandma passed away this summer, I even bought a sympathy card for the whole office to sign.

 Even after all of this, Patricia still remained pretty unpleasant to be around. She'd have moments of civility followed by outright hostility towards me. She went out of her way to point out my mistakes to everyone in the office (mistakes which only occurred because she didn't train me well) and often tried to show dominance over me as if we were in a competition. It was bizarre, nasty and unnecessary.

The final straw came when she blamed me for something she messed up on and of course because it is Patricia she did this loudly and in front of a bunch of people. After that day, I decided that my friendship with her boyfriend was not worth saving if it meant i'd have to put up with the weird abuse from his girl at work. Patricia is just a straight up dick and the only reason any one of our mutual friends tolerated her was because of her boyfriend. She's boring and has stank face and now having worked with her I can also add asshole to her list of attributes. She bullied and was antagonistic towards me only for the sake of being an awful human being.

 Naturally, we haven't talked in months but she continues to passive aggressively throw jabs at me on a weekly basis. While the job itself can be mind numbly boring and soul sucking, it's been made worse because Patricia and CreepyGuy (who either ignores me completely or goes out of his way to let me know that he is ignoring me) have made me a pariah. I am not allowed to go to lunch the same time everyone else does and my cubicle is so far from the others that I feel like I have been sent off to an island where I must fend for myself. Which is exactly what I've been doing the last couple of months. It's sort of depressing.

 I am trying to combat this crushing wave of disappointment at work by surrounding my life outside of my 9-5 with good energy and good people. The good energy aspect is very easy to do. While my eating habits are still poor and my bones are starting to ache in weird places, mentally and emotionally I am generally happy these days. My mom came to visit this summer and helped me deck out my small but adorable studio. Outside of my mom's place my current place is hands down the homiest home I have ever lived. It is a comfort and delight to wake up everyday in this place that I have made an oasis from the world.

 When I am not a work, I spend my days reading and dancing and buying a lot of clothes. My town is adorable, so I tend to spend a bulk of my time walking around and taking photos and just enjoying my simple but good life.

 Kat and I are still the best of best friends. We talk everyday, and hang out every Friday to catch up on life and watch Netflix. She continually supports me and encourages me to be the best version of myself. While I adore the shit out of the girl. our closeness can sometimes feel very isolating. After a horrible falling out with my friend Heather (who was having a bad day and decided to talk shit about me and my family) during an outing to grab coffee, i realized that Kat is really the only friend I have these days. I mean I have people I text, I have a lot of causal friends. I know that I am not alone, but Kat who i see on a regular basis and hang out with.

 There are days when this bothers me. The feeling of being alone. I feel like I am not connecting with anyone. I miss having a cushion of friends, multiple people, I could go to for support and companionship. The list has slowly dwindled this year and I am almost in no contact with people who once meant the world to me. Grant it , some of these people provided  temporary happiness but I still miss it.

My attempts at trying to curb this loneliness has fallen pretty short honestly. Meeting people has always been hard for me and now more than ever ways of meeting people is very limited. I want friends, but where the hell am I supposed to meet them. Work would appear like the prime location to befriend like minded people but i seriously loathed everyone I work with. The few times they have all gone out for drinks after work I have made up some excuse why I can't attend. If i barely talk to them at work, where i am at least paid to feign interest, why would i go out to a bar where not only am I surrounded by the same people but i am not getting paid for my time!

 I've been thinking about taking a course or joining some sort of group where interactions are mandatory. But so far all i want to do is play the drums or learn how to dance.

 I don't even want to get started on how hard it is trying to meet a cutie. I am not handling the idea of online dating very well. A part of me understands it but the other part of me overrides the logistics and wishes I could just meet someone organically. I am wondering why my life can't just be a romantic comedy, do people still meet each other in the aisles of bookstore and supermarkets? Cause that's what i'd prefer to be honest.I'd prefer to meet the guy of my temporary dreams in the aisle of my local supermarket buying a handful of Pillsbury dough for the amazing pumpkin rolls i recently learned how to make. But that has yet to happen.

 Despite all of this, I am pretty optimistic about the next few months. During the holidays, I am going to start filling out applications again particularity at some local colleges so I can put an end to the misery that is my current employment situation. Were it not for the holidays coming up I would have started this job search earlier. But realistically, I want to enjoy my first real retail free holiday and I am not going to find anything outside of  nonseasonal come November/December. I also have made some tentative plans at social gatherings where I am bound to meet people with similar interest. I saw tentative because said gatherings could involve me attending solo but if i don't put myself out there I am going to get the same damn dismal results,

 Change is slow but inevitable and the changes in my life may seem small and insignificant at the moment but I feel like i am heading in a really good direction, you know. Like whatever I have started building for myself is just the foundation for the life I want to lead.