The Runaway Groom

I am going home for a week in April thanks in part to a wedding that has been called off.

It's a pretty long story (that I'll try and keep short). The gist of it a few months ago my cousin informed us all via a Facebook post  that she recently met the man of her dreams (who she's only been dating 6 months) and they've decided to get married! Because you know, that's a logical thing for a middle aged woman with a teenage daughter to do.

This cousin is significantly older then me. She's actual my mom's cousin, which I guess would make her my 2nd cousin or great cousin...genealogy has never been my strong suit. We are definitely related though and as far as relatives go she is probably part of our very small inner circle of family members.

She used to babysit my brother and I often but because of the significant age gap, we never really got to know each other. But she's family so by proxy she's always been super nice and friendly. Of course a few yeas has passed since she last babysat us and now she is a single, mother with a  pre-teen daughter. They recently moved to Charleston, SC to be closer to family and honestly I don't see or talk to her much unless I am visiting family or if she comes up to New York to visit.

Needless to say, I was a little confused when I got a Facebook wedding invitation from her announcing her recent engagement and that the wedding was a couple of months away. According to my mom, she met some dude in the Army a few months ago and decided to get married as soon as possible (maybe to lock it down). My mom only knows this because my cousin has been overwhelming everyone in our immediate family about wedding plans. Not only that, but she set the wedding for an April of this year which would only leave a few months for people coming out of state to book the trip.

Despite the lack of romance in my life, I am not so hardened by the idea getting married one day. It's weird to think it and write and even say out loud, but I could see myself being someone's wife. I can see myself with a husband and couple of kids in a small house in a small town with a routine that makes me happy. There was a time when I was against the idea of marriage, because I was young and it's cool at that age to think the institution is ridiculous. And maybe it still is.

But what I understand now is that marriage only seemed ridiculous a few years ago because I assumed marriage was solely about love and I thought I would never fall in love. I still worry that I may not fall in love or I am unlovable to some grand extend. But I've come to realize that you can love someone and not marry them. You can be married and not love the person you are with. My hope is that if I do marry it's because my partner and I are able to build a marriage on love and sustainability, and that one does not outweigh the other but rather compliments it. That too me would be perfection.

Because this is my outlook on marriage, I must admit I was hella skeptical when my cousin proclaimed her undying love for her new fiance. Because surely a love purely on infatuation  cannot survive. I was also pretty annoyed that she was planning an extravagant wedding so quickly and bombarding us all with her wedding plans. My mom and I gave her the benefit of the doubt because love makes people crazy and this was her first and probably last shot at planning a wedding. The only super weird aspect of the whole thing was that no one has ever met her 'fiance'. I live too far away to ever have had the chance to meet him but my mom says until a few months ago he never existed and outside of some Facebook pictures, for all we knew he was a stranger catfishing my cousin.

A few days after sending out wedding invitations, I bought my plane ticket home for the April wedding. I assumed  I could use my vacation time to head home for a few days and then travel to Charleston with my brother and mom to attend the 'wedding of the decade". But literally after I got my plane ticket confirmation, my cousin's 'finance' announced on facebook that he was not marrying my cousin in April and that the wedding was called off indefinitely.

 I wish I was joking.

What followed was a mini war of words between my cousin and her now maybe 'ex-finance': her assuring everyone that the wedding was still going to take place while he adamantly said it wasn't. It was pretty embarrassing and as my grandma stated "my cousin sure is the talk of the town now!'. She sent everyone on Facebook an email about how it was just a simple misunderstanding (he was annoyed that she was spending all his money on the wedding while he was stationed in Hawaii) and that the wedding would take place sometime but just not in the near future.

That of course did not help me, as I  already notified my boss that I was heading home for vacation. And of course, I already purchased my plane ticket home. I am only partially upset with having to take my vacation so early and also for forking over $500. But I don't need too many excuses to go home and visit my family. My mom and I have decided to make a vacation out of the wasted week. I'll get to come home and spend some quality time with my nephew and mom. I also want to visit my alma mater and she wants to hit up some beaches in Charleston if the April weather permits.

As always I am looking forward to a break from my life. I tend to fear that I am not making the right decisions and heading home always gives me some clarity. Lately I am anxious that I have placed myself in a situation that will no doubt blow up in my face. After the big blow up with Kat, our relationship is super strained. Snow-gate 2016 seems to be a turning point in our already strained friendship and honestly I am not sure if we can work ourselves our of it.

 I went a few days without talking to her because I wanted to know if I could. In all honesty since I quit Le Sad Store, I have lost touch with a lot of people. The people I was close too all got new jobs and have embarked on a new routine that makes it hard to keep in touch. Because of this Kat, at times, feels like my only friend and it can be almost as lonely as actually being alone. I want to start meeting people and making plans for myself and figuring shit out. It is a huge risk that I am taking but I have to do it. I can't imagine the next five years consisting of Friday nights at my house watching Netflix with Kat. I would be so depressed if that were my life. I am sort of depressed now that it is my life.

So, I decided to give myself a break from Kat and  I am not going to lie it felt good reclaiming my identity. It also felt incredibly lonely but good to know that independent of our friendship, I am still an interesting, kick-ass, independent person. 

Of course Kat did not see it this way and she sent me a really passive aggressive text about how she feels like we are becoming strangers and acquaintances because she hadn't heard from me is 3 days. ????

 I am not sure I have ever had a friendship as co-dependent as this one. My mom tends to be the only person I feel the need to talk to every day. I have gone weeks, even months without talking to friends only to reach out randomly and be able to swing back into the friendship without a hitch. With Kat this is not so. She often says that our friendship is uneven and I am not sure I understand how she sees it that way. To me our friendship tends to only work if it is on her terms. She needs it to be this very co-dependent friendship where we text every day, and talk about boys and shrug off responsibilities  and individuality in lieu of us reading similar books and wearing similar clothes and having similar life paths. And if isn't exactly like this she becomes a nut case, which I only just notified.

 It is like being friends with a middle school-er and to be honest this juvenile relationship scares the shit out of and also bores me. Because I have stopped responding to how she wants me to all shit has let loose. She went from sending me panicky, needy texts to accusatory and jaded ones. We were supposed to head to the city this weekend to see a show and grab dinner for my birthday but now all of a sudden she is unsure about going because we are 'like strangers'.

I am tired. I am perplexed. Even more-so I am annoyed.

I am not sure what will happen after this hangout (if there is one) but regardless this begins a new chapter in my friendship with Kat and maybe I will be able to comprehend what the hell is going on once I am outside of the situation for a bit.

It's been such a long time since I actually gone to South Carolina for vacation that I am excited. Over the moon excited even if the reason for going is devastating for my cousin. For some reason I look forward to the sweltering heat and the southern accents and the beach. I look forward to being someone different, somewhere different that is also so distinctly home to me.