My Exhuastative and Never Ending Used Car Buying Experience.

Jebsus Mucking Fiest. If I new how hard this car buying experience was going to be, I would have created a time machine to go back 10 years and not fuck up my credit  so I could just lease or finance a car like a normal adult. But alas, that is not my current financial situation so a couple of months ago I made the decision to save up enough money to buy a cash car.

I know, I know....I've already heard all of the arguments between leasing/financing vs. buying but i must reiterate my credit is crappy and I don't feel comfortable leasing a new car with fancy things like heated seats which my bum does not need. I like owning things because I didn't grow up owning many things.So after researching my options, I decided that I would save up enough money to buy a car with cold hard and earned cash. I am pretty cheap by nature, so it only took me a few months to save 5k which I thought would be enough money to purchase my first vehicle.

It's not.

Ever since telling my friend Heather that I was prepared to go car shopping, I've been dragged to countless dealerships that a) don't have any cars in my price range or b) have cars in my price range that I have no interest in buying (I'm talking about you 1996 Buick). The search has been disheartening to say the least. But yesterday Heather sent me a link to a 2009 Nissan Versa for 5k. It was a gem of a car ( I gem i tell you) and in any other situation I would have been over the moon at finding my potential new vehicle.

But then I started crunching numbers and realized that my 5k budget did not include tax and stuff. Insurance and stuff. Registration fees and stuff. I suddenly went from "omg, omg I think I found my dream used car" to "wait, by the end of the actual transaction I will have spent a little over $800 more than my budget. $800 that I honestly do not have and could not borrow from anyone".

As soon as I realize this I tell Heather that I don't think we should head to the dealership to look at this vehicle because i don't have the money I would actually need to buy the car. This is the point where Heather becomes super overwhelming "but you said you were looking for a car" "this is the gem we've been talking about" "I can't keep driving you around like a cab if you're not serious about buying a car" "are you afraid of driving" "are you stalling because you're afraid of driving" "am i pressuring you into doing this".

My mind and body shuts down when I am emotionally overwhelmed. It just does. I lose words, I lose thoughts, I lose mobility in my limbs. It's like I can feel myself float away from my body and I am literally watching the situation outside of myself. It's the closet I think I will ever get to one of those outer body experiences, except that I experience them during duress.

So I'm sitting in Heather's car and she keeps going on and on and on about what I want to do. Except she isn't really asking me what I want to do (because I've already told her " i can't afford this car right now so I think it's a waste to head all the way up to this dealership and I'm not ready to buy" she is demanding an answer from me and I can't deal. "why are you changing your mind" "why don't you have enough money" "why am I wasting my time" and I just feel awful because I didn't know how hard this car search would be and had I known I would have waited a while longer instead of getting my hopes up that I'd have a vehicle by the end of the summer.

We eventually got to a point in the conversation where I simply told her I was not ready to continue looking for cars unless I had more money to cover all the expenses. And because that is not the case, I have to put off buying a car for a few more weeks. She seemed satisfied with this answer but there is still a bad taste in my mouth about the whole day.

Thanks to the interwebs, I was reminded that I moved to New York 8 years ago this month. My mom and I took an amtrak from South Carolina to New York so she could drop me off at my aunts house. I had maybe $70 in my bank account, no jobs prospects and and a small duffle bag of clothes. 8 effing years ago. I was 22 years old. I thought i was going to move to New York and work in publishing and life would just start and work out the way I imagined life was supposed to work out. It didn't. The last 8 years have been anything but easy.I struggled and I fought for bare scraps and only now am I at a point in my life where I feel like my efforts are paying off. Little by little. Day by day.

BUT I am surrounded by people who have it easier than me so it can make it hard to relate. I sometimes feel as if I am playing catch up because it seems like everyone else in some way or another has an advantage.  Heather recently told me that her bf paid off her 6k credit card debt because, well he could. When I brought up buying a cash car at work, several people chimed in about leasing because they all have 2016 vehicles and pay only $230 a month on car payments ( i can't afford that). Kat had someone write her cover letter/resume and applied to jobs for her because she complained it was too hard.

I hate that I'm envious of their situations. I hate that I hear the phrase "well if you could do, i knew that i could do it to" because it implies that I have made things look so easy and yet have achieved so little.  I was so annoyed recently cause Kat decided she wants to go to Chicago for vacation this summer. She said they wanted to go to Hershey Park for her birthday and the she decided that because Hershey Park is not far from Chicago (please google it. It is not) that they would just drive to Chicago right after because "if you've been to Chicago it can't be hard for me and [insert boyfriends name] to go.

I should not have been infuriated by this news but i was only because both trips to Chicago were exhaustive, expensive and challenging experiences. I didn't suddenly have the urge to go to Chicago with some person willing to drive me and flip the bill on the whole trip. I was just brave, reckless and stupid (my general traits) and look where they got me.

The same sort of envy has arisen with this car search. We hit up so many dealerships this past week that my wallet is full of business cards from sales people who were so nice out of pity. During every visit Heather would say something like "i can't believe no one has been a jerk to us yet. My budget was $15k and people were so rude. You're practically poor and people are being so nice". I don't need to be reminded of how poor I am. I don't need to be reminded of this. When did having 5k in my bank account equate to poor especially when I used to have little to no money at all to even feed myself.

I am frustrated that in comparison my achievements don't feel like actual achievements because I seem to fight for things that my friends obtain easily and/or with added assistance. Kat literally purchased a new car because I told her I wanted to get a car and she figured if I could go out and get a car she could too. I still do not have this vehicle I talked about getting almost a year ago. I am still taking public transportation where today an ant crawled on my face. An ant.

I am frustrated and tired and a bit of a Charlie Brown this week. I know that things with me are always going to be a struggle because honestly I like being the underdog. But sometimes even a dog needs to be thrown a bone every once in awhile.