5 Years Gone

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

When I was a kid, I used to like jumping from high things. I didn't necessarily like the jumping part but instead the sensation of falling was what I craved. The way the air suddenly gets trapped in your lungs on the way down and you feel weightless and afloat all at once.

The last few years in many ways have felt like the falling part except without the fearless pleasure of my childhood gusto. Instead, the fall has been more of a uncontrollable tumble and the air that is trapped in my lungs burn and ache. The fall does not feel weightless, it feels like drowning.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.  

We met on my first day of 7th grade. I had just moved to South Carolina and I felt the nervousness throughout my whole body that day. I was new,  not only to the school but to the town and the state. I was so nervous I thought I was going to die.

Maybe she noticed my awkwardness. Maybe she saw an opportunity to make friends with someone who didn't know she was the least popular girl in school. But at lunch that day, while I tried to be invisible and blend in, she sat down next to me and introduced herself. She had big frizzy hair and a mouth full of metal. She wore a shirt with horse on it and said I talked weird so that made me interesting.

She became my first and only true friend in South Carolina

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

We went Trick or Treating for the last time in the 8th grade. We were at that annoying age where we wanted free candy but felt too old to dress up for Halloween but also too young not to dress up and enjoy ourselves. Our friend Melissa's dad agreed to drive us around if we wanted to still go, so at the last minute we bought costumes and went Trick or Treating.

I dressed up as an angel in all white. Marie dressed up as a scary clown because she still did not equate Halloween with dressing provocatively. That night after hitting up several houses, I got my period in the back seat of our friends pick up truck and bled through my costume. I was embarrassed  and felt betrayed by my body. I felt even more tragic because I was dressed as an Angel the irony was heavy. Marie lent me her jacket that so I could wrap it around my waist. She also laughed and said this wouldn't have been an issue if I just dressed up as a devil instead.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

We decided to join the AV club together our Freshman year of high school. This decision of course solidified our nerdiness but we got to hang out in the library during homeroom and lunch while also skipping mandated assemblies unless we were needed to video tap the events.

Along with the AV club, we joined the Debate team together. I was taking Speech class because I had a crush on the teacher and I was Honors English so I couldn't take his English class. Marie was a natural debater because she liked to disagree with everyone. Even though I was taking his Speech class, I initially declined my teachers invitation to join his Debate team. He thought I wrote well and had an eloquent voice and wanted me to be a part of his team. When I refused he went and asked Marie to have me join and because she was convincing I attended a Debate competition once.

The debate team carpooled to this event in a town a few hours away from us. I was nervous because I had only given speeches in front of the team and my teacher. He and Marie seemed most eager about my debut and when I failed to win any awards that day they both encouraged me to come with them to the next debate because I showed potential. I remember telling my speech teacher that I didn't plan on taking him up on that offer. He seemed disappointed by my rejection and on the way home, I slept on Marie's shoulder on the way home, while she teased me for being such a baby

5 years ago my best friend took her life. 


In the 11th grade our math teachers son killed himself. We knew her son Kyle because his older brother Barry was in the AV club with us. He was weird and withdrawn and only seemed to open up around Marie. She volunteered with Barry at the local animal shelter because he was 18 years old, and was her adult chaperon during their visits. When his brother Kyle, a freshman, killed himself were both shocked and confused because Barry seemed more susceptible to that kind of tragic end.

Our whole AV club attended the funeral out of respect and curiosity. We had never been this close to death before, it felt like our tragedy and spectacle in a lot of ways.The wake was on the weekend and Marie was allowed to drive her moms new car to the church. Inside,  we sat with the media club in the back and judged all the classmates who attended that never spoke a word to Barry or his brother.

We could see Barry and his mom from our seats. There was a perverse curiosity to them now and also a strangeness that we related to.We talked briefly to Barry afterwards, asked him if he was okay and said that we couldn't wait for him to return to school.

And then Marie and I grabbed food at this hot dog place nearby, dressed all in black.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

I was accepted to the University of Pittsburgh (but went to a small school in Philadelphia before transferring to USC my freshman year) and Marie got into Clemson.  Our acceptance letters arrived at the same time and we were both excited to put high school behind us.

We were selling candy to raise money for the end of year video the AV club was in charge of producing. Instead of trying to sell to students we primarily hit up the teacher and guidance counselors. That year we were called the Skittle twins because of this venture.

 We decided to hit up our Speech teacher during lunch and after making a sale we told him the great news about our college acceptance. He was happy for us but also but worried because "how are you guys going to survive college without each other". He said we were like two peas in a pod because we were so inseparable.

It was the first time, the thought crossed my mind that going to different schools would mean I wouldn't have my best friend around. But I knew that it wasn't Marie he was worried about. She would do fine. She was a super genius and willful. It was me he addressed his concerns to. It was me he was sure would not survive.

5 years ago my best friend took her life. 

Senior Prom! We didn't want to go because the only boys who showed interest in going with us were the few from the AV club and even then they didn't want to really go with us. They made a bet that we couldn't look like real girls in dresses and stuff and because we were defiant and secretly want to attend Prom we told them "bet!".

My mom owned this dress little black dress from the 80's that i was obsessed with wearing. It had silver traps and flared out at the bottom. I didn't want to make a big deal of prom, so i decided to wear that dress instead of having my mom buy me a new one. The day of, I went to the hairdresser to get my hair done. She was overbooked and by the time she got to me she put so little effort in my hair my mom and I walked out angry.

Marie showed up at my house an hour before the event. When she got out of the car I was struck by how beautiful she looked. It was also the first time i'd ever seen her in a dress and the care and attention she went into dressing up let me into a secret about her...that she was like any other girl who wanted to look beautiful on her big night. My mom took a picture of the two of us. I looked uncomfortable and sweaty with this ridiculous unkempt hair and Marie looks happy and beautiful.

We arrived at the Prom early and of course the only other students there were the nerdy awkward kids and a few teachers. Everyone gasped when Marie walked in. It was her moment, so I stepped aside and let her soak it in. Our history teacher came up to us first and said we looked great, followed by my crush the Speech teacher and then our AV buddies circled around Marie and gawked at her in awe.

We only stayed at Prom for 10 minutes. This is not n exaggeration. We wanted to be seen and then as quickly as we could we ran back to the parking lot, decided to drive to Walmart for PJ's and then grabbed burritos to bring back to my house. That night we had a slumber party in my living room and watched Medium on NBC

5 Years ago my best friend took her life

I was fucking livid. This kid we both knew named Spencer decided on Senior Night (a night were all the graduating seniors accepted their yearbooks and were thrown a small party in the cafeteria) that he wanted to tell Marie how much he hated her. We were sitting at a table in the far back of the cafeteria, just the two of us because surprisingly all of AV club friends ditched us,  and he and another friend came up to us and wanted Marie to personally know she was a "bitch". Spencer was in the AV club with us and sure Marie gave him a hard time but every one did.

The verbal attack was unprovoked and I remember him having to be pulled away by some other kid because he wouldn't stop lashing out.  Marie was red-faced but resolute and brushed his attack off as just some lame attempt to get back at her. I was fucking livid because it was our last night together as the graduating class of 2004 and this guy we thought was a friend wanted to ruin it.

When we collected our yearbooks, i was so mad I only let Marie sign it. Sure I had other friends but she was the most loyal and dedicated and a note from her was the only note I wanted. As I was signing her yearbook she pulled out the small wallet sized senior photo she took a few months earlier. She wanted me to have it, because "like i know we are still going to be friends but I just wanted to you to have something". I felt awful because I planned to give her something as well; an edition of an Annie Prolux book that she didn't own. Prolux was her favorite author and I saw this novel in a used bookstore. I paid for it with my own money and planned to gift it to her that night but i forgot.

I still have that copy of the book in my house. Alongside Marie's photo.


5 years ago my best friend took her life

The summer of my sophomore year (college) Marie invited me to a water park with her and her boyfriend Josh. Marie's college life made up for high school and middle school years. She had a core group of friends that she hung out with regularly.  She was excelling in all of her classes and given amazing research opportunities with professors who saw her potential. She moved into her own apartment and adopted a puppy. And she had a boyfriend, her first boyfriend . She lost her virginity that year and was in love which meant she talked about him all the time. I was envious of her relationship. I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to be annoyingly in love and instead I was spent most of college anxious and alone.

Marie was desperate for this outing to work out. She needed me to like her boyfriend and vice versa but I often felt abandoned by Marie during college. We talked less, were living two separate lives and I was honestly very envious that things were working out for her. I was happy, don't get me wrong, but I wished college was the best years of my life as it seemed to be for Marie.

That day the three of us went on every ride imaginable. Marie was able to balance her attention between the both of us better than she had before, but there were still moments when I caught the two of them escaping into that magical naive place where they gazed at each other and only the two of them existed.

During one of the rides, I almost drowned. Literally. I am not a good swimmer and this ride included insane waves that caused me to panic and sink to the bottom of the pool. Marie saw me struggle and swam down and grabbed me. She yanked me out of the darkness and dragged me to safety. The rest of the day we spent on the lazy river and she held on to my inner tube the whole ride because she was afraid to lose me again.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

Marie accepted a job in North Carolina and I moved to New York soon after our college. The spring before our big moves we decided to visit our old Highschool librarian (who we both adored) and buy her a  gift to show our appreciation for her guidance. We bought two small bears: one a Clemson bear and one a USC bear and planned to surprise her at the high school.

We didn't know though that our college spring break and their high school spring break was the same week. So when we got to the school we were annoyed that there was no one there. Of course, this didn't stop us from wanting to achieve our goal. We decided we would instead break into the school and leave the gifts on her desk so that we she came back she'd have them.

Breaking in was a lot easier than we thought (it's the south, nothing is locked) but when we got to the library there was a maintenance man inside. We tried to explain why we were there but he didn't seem to care.

He was more confused by us wanting to leave the bears though for Mrs. Wimberly, who retired the year before. We didn't know this of course, because we failed to stay in touch, so we thanked him  and left with our bears in tow. Marie said I could hold on to them and that maybe we'd get them to her another way.

I still own the bears.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

Marie was quickly advancing at her job in North Carolina while I was struggling with my retail job in New York. But she envious of my social life because she felt alone in North Carolina. She broke up with Josh before she moved and most of her college friends became text buddies.  But I talked to her everyday for hours. We both were struggling to adjust to post-grad life, so we found a lot of comfort in each other. And I was happy to have my best friend back, though she still frustrated me from time to time.

I felt closer to Marie post college than I ever did while we were in High School or College. We were so vulnerable and unsure about our future that I think, we were glad we both had each other. She talked about wanting to visit me in New York and I wanted to come visit her in North Carolina. She admitted she felt unfocused and thought about joining the Air-force for structure. I told her I wanted to move home because maybe New York was a mistake.

We'd watch tv on the phone together and talk about our future selves. She was going to marry a lumberjack named Zayne or Dayne and I was going to write a book about us. She helped me work out the plot and the characters and encouraged me to set writing goals. I was struggling with character names, so we both spent hours on the phone going through baby names together for future characters.

I came across the name Carrick in one of these books and liked it so much I told her I would name my kid Carrick. "imma call her Carrot, you know this right?". We already discussed that she would be the aunt/godmother to my kids and it was her job to love and make fun of them. She didn't want kids, just a lumberjack and a cabin in the woods and lots of animals. She said Carrot and I would always be welcomed.

The summer before she died, we decided to read Jane Eyre and were both surprised by how much we liked it. Our last conversation was about the TV shows Bones and a new work friend she was hanging out with. She was so lonely in North Carolina, and she complained a little about the fact that she worked primarily with men who didn't like being told what to do because she was so young and a woman.  But that was always Marie's problem, everyone was threatened by her. Everyone thought she was a know it all. But she always dealt with that in a way that I admired. The fact that she talked often about loneliness was something new though.

That was July 2011.

5 years ago my best friend took her life.

I was in the city with a boy named Josh (a different Josh), who wanted to be a graphic designer and had a tattoo on his chest that he keep showing me. On the train ride to the city he gave me a formula for wind because I said I wanted a tattoo soon that reflected something that inspired me. He looked like James Franco and a week prior he asked me to go to the city with him to pick up some equipment for a school project.

Normally I would not have gone because of nerves. He was so attractive and nice and interesting I could not understand his interest in hanging out with me. I only said yes out of spite. Marie and I had not spoken in weeks. Suddenly we went from talking every day to complete and utter silence. I thought maybe it had something to do with her new work friend because she ditched me in college when she got a boyfriend, I just assumed the same thing was happening.

So i went to the city with Josh, because if Marie could ditch me for a dude I could find solace in one too. But Josh was super young and I knew right away that he was the sort of guy who was self involved because he only talked about himself. But was so pretty and it felt nice to be around someone who wanted my company even if just to gloat.

After picking up some old cameras, we stopped at a pizzeria for lunch. Our hands were greasy and sticky but I remembered watching people pass by and then turning my gaze back to Josh and wondering how I got here at this moment with this boy. But this moment of calm is interrupted by my phone ringing and when I look down I am shocked to see that it is Marie.

But the shock is quickly replaced by anger because i am really pissed at her because it's been 5 weeks of me attempting to call and text her only to hear nothing back. And i'm with James Franco and I don't want to take the her call because I know this moment is rare. That I may not get another chance to hang out him and eat pizza in the city and enjoy this feeling that things are coming together.

So i let it ring. I don't pick up the call.

I have never admitted this to anyone.

I called her later that night but she did not pick up. That was the last time she ever tried to reach out to me. This was September 2011. 3 months later, almost to the day, she killed herself.

5 years ago, on a cold Tuesday morning,  my best friend took her life and it still feels like I am falling.

The air continues to rush into my lungs and I am struck numb by the gravity of her death. I blame myself in many ways for not recognizing the unusual pattern sooner. That i mistook her silence for something else and that when she reached out to me randomly I was unavailable. I feel guilty for not being a better friend, for not telling her more often that she was my anchor and rock. I feel guilty that she died thinking she wasn't necessary in this world despite the fact that in all my future fantasies she was a part of it.

5 years ago my best friend took her life and a little part of me went with her. I miss her everyday. I think about her everyday. I wish she was here everyday because she was the truest friend I ever had even though we were complex and argumentative and stubborn. I resent that her life is just reduced to memories that are becoming more and more sporadic and unverifiable. I hate that she'll never get to experience things that make existing better. She was the only other person outside of my immediate family who felt like home to me and since her death I have felt without one.