To go or not to go...

...That is my question.

Though things have been going okay lately, meaning no crying fits of hysteria down the street, i have contemplated going to...THERAPY.

A couple of weeks ago as i was getting another Peanut Butter cookie(the things are just too damn good), i happened upon the Health Center, whose inviting and looming structure called to me. Mid chew i thought about the prospect of going to therapy, i mean it can't hurt to talk about your "problems" with a willing participant at the other end.

But because i am a complete scardy cat, i have yet to make up my mind. I called the place(big wuss i know) and skirted around the prospect of therapy with the lady on the phone who assured me that i could talk about whatever i wanted to talk about

Me: Even anxiety related problems
Lady: If that is what you want to talk about...you can make an appointment over the phone
Me: i haven't decided to go or not, i just wanted to know that if i did want to go... i can...you know...go to therapy.

I have been making up all these excuses in my head why i shouldn't go "I'd have to pay"(first 12 sessions are free), "I don't have the time" (free on WF after 1:30) "I don't need to go everything is alright" (liar). By tuesday i will have made up my decision. Before i venture onto bigger and larger things i like to hope i wouldn't have this looming problem in the background. I'd like to know that i can make it on my own, open up, invite people in, and generally feel okay.

We'll see what happens.

I still find it very difficult to let people in, to let my guard down. Sometimes i feel like i am the guard and the queen of my very own fortress. And internally they are fighting for supremacy. I am fighting to keep the things i hold dear(and fear) kept locked inside. But i am beginnig to want to throw down my hair and let those i want to climb up and see whats inside. It can get lonely holding down the fort all day and night.

I have the most anxiety everyone. I fear girls won't like me, and boys won't take interest in me. Which could all be very illogical but are what i believe. So i keep them all at bay, even when i desperately need for them to be close.

Speaking of close, Short boy at my job HUGGED me the other day. EWWW. Though my job is very tedious, shelving books, i make the most of my 4 hours working by listening to my iPod and dancing when no one is around. I like the dancing part the best, i've developed mad skills.

Occassionally i will help a person find a book, or eat skittles behind a shelf so no one can see me. The usual. The people i work with are okay. One girl is a total Bi-atch who sits at a desk all day looking at her facebook account, though she makes about 2 dollars more than everyone else.

And then there is the short dude. He gets the nickname because he is short, almost as short as me, which i have explained is a no-no. He is nice though, and for the most part an OK person to talk too, though he has a huge obsession with Flavor of Love and must talk about it every monday.

I have an uncanny ability to notice when someone is staring at me. I am so aware of the people around me, i can never be taken off guard. So occassionaly as i saunter into the office, i will glance back to see him staring. And staring very hard. He comments on how i look all the time and makes an effort to work near me while shelving books, which is very uncomfortable when two people are trying to shelve a book in the same suffocating and tight row.

He hasn't crossed the line of creepy yet, though his hug the other day made me almost run for the hills. He, being short, commented on how very cute my height was and that it made me so...CUTE. He then proceeded to hug me across the shoulders, as i prayed for dear life that my hand didn't accidently smack him. It lasted all about 10 seconds but by then i knew..."another guy i don't want to have a crush on me" . Great.

I think there is a reason i attract these creepy boys, and if i attend therapy maybe he/she can explain why. Cause i can't.

Maybe less dancing in library will help. I was literally dancing and this dude was staring at me, so i abruptly stopped while he continued to molest me with his eyes. I could only think "this show is not for free" and walked away with my head down low.

Halloween is coming up. What will i be this year? I have to attend stupid halloween party at job and have yet to decided what i will be.

Time to do Chemistry homework, girls gotta pass this class.