As I had mentioned I have a new main squeeze, who is actually an old main crush, but who has recently pushed all other contenders to the side and probably for a while. I am a taken girl, wooed by his melodic voice, blank stare, and a slight muscles (I've seen him play and I see the muscles in his arm, oh yeah!!!)Anyway, I bring this to light because he has invaded my dreams as of late,which make it very hard to concentrate throughout the day, especially at work where my daydreams are more vivid then ever.
It's very difficult when the only boys who come knocking on my door are on probation or too creepy for words. In thinking about my whole boy situation I think I could easily have a boyfriend if I was just willing to date any creepy guy who asked me out. But there is something that I hold on to. There is something that makes me runaway from those creep balls and wait patiently for whoever it is to come my way.
That isn't always easy though, especially when everyone around me seems to be attached at the hip to someone else. My roommates boyfriend practically lives here,Marie and her boyfriend are still dating and more annoying then ever, because I think sex is involved now, and the seasons always bring out hand holding couples who annoy you with their happiness.
Another reason I think therapy may be beneficial is because I realize that the opposite sex make me extremely nervous. Even if a guy is being nice and friendly or super flirty like hot French poster seller dude, I put up these defensive blockers. You'd think I had been sexually assaulted when I was younger I mistrust men so much. Boys that could potentially pose some sort of threat to me I admittedly dislike and avoid. But I am beginning to think it is not the threat they would pose to me, but the vulnerability that would come out if I ever got close.
I think that is why it is so much easier to fall for someone you don't really know. Art boy, Coffee shop Boy( a new kid who works at the coffee shop, uber cute), and of course musicians/actors...yadda yadda yadda.
In your mind they are everything you want them to be. They are everything you wish they could bring out of you. Serenity, a piece of mind, LOVE.
I have yet to let myself be vulnerable, I have yet to let my guards down, I have yet to allow anyone in, and I think that shows. I think people can read that, it is a drawback to making the connections that I want. You kind of have to let people know you need them, and that want to be needed or ended up always striving for unrealistic wants from dudes with names like Sufjan.
Regardless of this knowledge, I still have a mad crush on him. Despite his connections with religion his music puts me at ease, and has helped in the writing process. My dreams about him aren't sexual, which make the attraction for him even stronger. Even if he is a big weirdo.
For now, or at least until I learn how to overcome my apprehension with men,i will stay in my dreams. Especially because I am being stalked by a kid me and Mike call Waldo. We met him during our freshman year while we were attempting to study for bio. He was sitting in the same area as us and kind of butted into our conversation. Ever since then we have literally been hiding from Waldo who brings up conversations about things that do not concern us.
Unfortunately living on campus makes it a little harder for me to avoid Waldo then for Mike. Every time I go to the book store he is there waiting for me. Don't get me wrong I am as polite as can be, but in the back of my mind I am screaming for him to get away from me.
About 2 weeks ago he got really brave and asked me out on a date. OH YEAH. He wanted to know if we could go some where sometime and hand out. Before I could even come up with the "I have a boyfriend" lie, I was like "sure why not".IDIOT. When faced with questions I just can't seem to lie fast enough. He wanted to meet off campus, I wasn't feeling that, so I suggested we meet in the bookstore. He wanted to meet on Saturday. So a date was set up.
Of course I don't think he was aware that I had no intention of showing up. Trust me I felt bad about it. I've never even been on a real date and here I was ditching my potential first one. But I had no intentions to be felt up by some creepy dude whose name I still don't know.
Saturday came and went, and it totally slipped my mind. Then on Monday as I was buying my daily dose of candy guess who can strolling by. WALDO. My heart dropped. He asked about what I did on Saturday saying "Didn't you remember Saturday". So what did I do?... Played stupid. I put on my blankest face and was like "Saturday? Was I suppose to be doing something?"
Luckily I managed to dodge a bullet and he was like "yeah I didn't do anything either." that still didn't stop him from giving me his phone number and telling me to call him. HELL NO.
Right now and for the rest of my life I know that I am not looking for crazy. I'm not looking for Drama, and not even head over heels fairy tale love....But I am looking for peace and comfort, and solace from whoever wins me over.
All things that I am uncomfortable at achieving ironically. That's probably why i look for it so strongley in anyone i would consider dating.
Time to study, no more time for daydreams. I am ultra excited that SCI-Fi(which i usually don't watch but thy have been bringing back some good shows) is bringing back Tales From The Darkside tomorrow. Something to look forward to.
And i think i have decided on therapy. It could hep me learn things about myself, and maybe close some of these issues once and for all.
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