Why are relationships so difficult. There have only been two times in my whole where I have ended a friendship with someone. I don't really count moving away as ending a friendship I call losing touch with someone and that includes something that is beyond my control
But ending a friendship is a very different story. It's like that stupid book "I'm just not that into you" except it's more like "we just aren't meshing well, we are two different people, we shouldn't hang out anymore"
The first friend I stopped being friends with(and I say I but I mean both of us) was a girl named Jessica. She was my first BFF when I first moved her. She had fiery red hair and really pale skin, and was really bony. She scared the living crap out of me the first time I met her, and I had avoided her for the first few weeks. But I think we may have ended up working in a group together and from there are friendship grew pretty fast. We talked about movies and boys and all the things stupid teenage girls do. We daydreamed like no other and had a blast. But there were times when she would just become odd, saying that she didn't want to be friends with Marie and I anymore because she was planning to run away or something like that. After about the 3rd "I don't want to be friends" drama which was in the 9th grade I was pretty much okay with it.
She was always so fickle and wanted me to spend every waking moment with her. We got in a fight one day because she was mad that I didn't want to join her band, I hate singing in public it's my greatest social fear. She was not hearing any of it though , and began to ridicule me on the phone. Calling me immature and that I was the most selfish person she had met because I didn't want to join her band. After hanging up on her she called and apologized profusely and said she didn't mean to say it, but the damage was already done and I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore.
She was pretty pissed and for the next weeks kept calling my house and trying to repair the damage. One day she became frustrated that I was really calling it quits she threatened to come over and harass my family. Upon seeing my tears my mom, grabbed the phone told her never to call again and that the childish games she was playing were going to far. That was the last time she called.
But of course not the last time I had contact with her. In tenth grade her sister said that Jessica had started sleeping with some a--hole and was pregnant. After a few letters back and forth trying to lend a soothing voice we decided to meet up. I dragged Marie, who had by then become my BFF, with me. So me, Marie, Jessica and her sister headed to the mall. It was the most painful hour of my life. I basically hung on to Marie like she was the Holy Grail and didn't say one word to Jessica. It was basically Jessica and her sister hanging out and Me and Marie hanging out.
She offered to give me a ride home, but Marie said she would take me. That was the last I heard from her, and the last I hope to.
The other friendship that has ended badly is Katherine and I, following our conference trip and the inability of either of us to want to fix what's broken.
The other day as I was reading my book in the Commons, whose booming voice do I hear turning the corner to the several couches located in the area. I look up to see her, and for a split second we make eye contact. I sit down low in my seat, trying to avoid the awkward. She stays there for about 15 minutes, talking in a group with some people, her voice getting louder wishing to draw attention to herself, while I almost damage my ears by turning my volume up so high to drown out her voice.
Soon after she leaves, without saying a word. And I head off to class. But for some reason, though I not want nor intention to ever be her friend again, could only wonder why she was ignoring me. Like I know why I'm not talking to her, but why the other day around. She didn't even do the fake niceness, which I would have taken over complete silence.Like what I had I done to her that I'm getting the shaft.
Relationships are so weird and complex, and maybe that's why I fear getting involved with them. I was at her house, sitting on her bed, playing her violin, making sandwiches for her kids, having movie night, and game night, and talking smack to a 15 year old, getting my ass kicked by a 6 year old, tying a 3 year old shoes, talking to very fine ex-husband about Gnarls Barkley and Ben Folds, and going through Medical books at 11pm with her amongst discussing everything girl things. And then like that it's over, then like that we can't even pretend to be nice, we just are engulfed in silence and tension. And that's kind of sucky, because though I don't want to be her friend, I'd at least want some kind of validation, a smile, a hey, that at least says that at one time we were friends. But whose going to be the bigger person. Yesterday neither of us were.
I get attached. And it's hard to let go, and it's something I haven't learned yet. I have never said goodbye, we've just always picked up and left everything lying in our aftermath. A life of unfinished business, is a life of many unforgettable memories. Like they are always suspended in time, like that are always fresh wounds, because you never learned how to say goodbye to them. They are always awkward tense silences of something left open. How I'd like to close that door, and lock it.
She still has Cottage Cheese arms though.
I just finished a very long intense conversation with Marie about relationships of the other kind. Apparently she wanted to hear my perspective on the fact that on of her friends, who is in a relationship, devotes her whole time to her boyfriend. Sounds a little like Marie and her man, but I didn't say that. Maybe I'll embark once more on my new found thoughts on that, but I've got some tune listening to attend too.
Why is he so amazing. Even though I had the most intense bizarre dream about him ever, that made me wake up saying "what the f*ck was that about" he was having a weird preachy concert dressed up like Ike Turner and doing the moonwalk. Freaky stuff people. My crush for him almost died but then my presents arrived today.
Time to feel the Illinoise.
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