Madame Bovary

For English I am reading Madame Bovary. Ever since I have decided to minor in English I feel a little more...content with with my major(bio) and minor(English) being the direction my undergraduate career will be moving in. It's the first time in a long while where I haven't said "what the hell am I going to do with this major/minor".

My English teacher is really nice. We had to schedule a meeting because I was suppose to write a paper on close reading and had no idea what it was. So I wrote a paper on whatever I wanted to. Though I got a B+ on it, she wanted to talk about my paper and general understanding of structuring a clear paper. I think she believes I have potential, if I could just get my thoughts down clearer.

She kind of talks like those pompous art people though. Like she has a small hint of a British accent though you know she is from upstate New York. It's kind of weird. For the most part the class is pretty interesting. 20 or so English majors(AND ME!) discussing novels I would never have read otherwise.

One of them being Madame Bovary.

At first glance, and skimming, I thought me and Madame Bovary had a lot in common. She daydreams and reads her little books which give her an unrealistic view of the world. TOTALLY ME. But a hundred pages in and the broad is really getting to me. 1) she is a horrible mother, who literally pushes her kid and then later says it is the ugliest thing she has ever seen.

And then she may be a whore, I haven't gotten that far to see if she goes through with it yet. But reading it I feel a small connection to the trifling hussy. Who dreams of better and brighter things, so much that the things around her(even her poor "ugly" kid with the name Berthe) begins to disgust her.

Lately I have been trying to see the good in things I have, which can be hard, when all you want is something else. I'm trying to ignore the little "grass is greener on the otherside" mantra pacing through my head. I'm trying to give things a chance. Which is probably why Madame Bovary, irks me. Because she has become so bitter towards the thing that she has. I mean even if they aren't for her, even if she has an affair and leaves her husband and ditches the kid(which I do not recommend), she doesn't have to be so bitter towards them. Which is probably why I can't continue to read unless I know that she will get what's coming to her, a nice swift kick in the head for being such a pain.

In truth I see the bitterness in myself, which ultimately makes me resistance against liking her character. I am trying to learn to not be bitter about my circumstance. My greatest fear is that when I leave this place I will carry the bitter with me. I will carry the self doubt, self loathing and negativity with me, that begin to push people away. I want to leave it here, or at least get rid of it.

Speaking of bitter:

Tonight is an Amnesty meeting and I have not decided to go yet. Since last year, South African boy is not the president of the club, I think he may have graduated( I miss his face). Amy(Katherine's butt monkey) and Plain Jane are co-presidents because they didn't want there to be an election. Katherine however is the mastermind behind the two. Though she said last year "I have kids I can't be the president of any club" she has positioned her friends in situations which lead her to inevitably run the show.

About 2 weeks ago I decided to go to a meeting. I didn't want to them to think I was not showing up because me and Katherine had a fallen out. Though we were cool during the summer, things have since changed. I don't call her, she doesn't call me, and I never see her around campus.Fine by me. Nevertheless I still felt I should at least show up to one meeting, so they know that I can do things by myself. And so I could snare at Katherine from my seat.

I was nervous as hell. I could only imagine what she had said to them. And though I was steps from the door, I contemplated turning around. But I had come this far and I was determined to do it, and never come back.

Surprisingly Jane/Amy were uber excited to see me. Katherine ignored me. In my mind I was like "no that bitch didn't" but then I was like "who cares" plus she gained a whole bunch of weight which made coming all worth it. Childish. Maybe? But she deserves it. She flaunted herself around like she was...Queen Elizabeth. She was mean, and not a good friend, and is downright rude.

I went away that night smiling because I had conquered my fear. But then followed my elation by calling her cottage cheese arms while talking on the phone to my mother. I also said she could have fed a third world country with her cottage cheese arms, and I felt really bad about it afterward. I'm going to burn I know.

Even though i said i would go to one meeting and be done with it...things have changed.

There is a boy(of course there is) who goes to the Amnesty meetings. Now, I do not/maybe have a crush on this boy who has a girlfriend. But he may be friend potential

For some reason on Itunes I get his music library. Maybe because of the connection on the hall but there are about 4 people's music library i get, one being the mysterious PARTY HARDY. I didn't even know whose music I was listening to, but I was hooked. He had Sufjan/Ben Folds/Coldplay. You name it he has it. So of course I was curious to know whose music I had spent countless hours listening to.

Putting my detective skills to use, I managed to pinpoint the music library to "______"( He doesn't have a nickname yet) Maybe I'll call him Music Boy. Coincidently he is also in my realism class(go figure). And at the meeting I went to guess who comes strolling in, and sits down right next to me. And we live on the same Hall. WTF. If this doesn't spell "Beckett if you don't befriend this boy than you are an idiot" I don't know what does.

So I may be attending more meetings, despite having to glare at Cottage Cheese all night. If this wasn't the night before a math test I don't want to fail I would definitely go. And I swear it isn't a cop out. I'm just putting passing a test in front of trying to make a friend. But next week I'm there. Definitely. And i may even wear a skirt. Yes i know he has a girlfriend(who apparently is still in highschool, kinda creepy), but i'm just trying to be friends. Or something that resembles it. I am no homewrecker.

Time to go study for above mentioned math exam. Trying not to fail. And I have to finish reading Madame Bovary. I hope I don't throw her out the window.