Strange Conditions

To get a peanut butter cookie? Or not? That is the question.

I have so much to do this weekend that my usually relaxed weekend will be spent reading Anna Karenina(which I have fallen behind on) and studying for my second chemistry exam. So far I have accomplished a lot in the last two hours, but feel like taking a break that hopefully will not be a long extended horror movie watching break.

Oh the dilemma.

For Halloween my English professor wants us to act out a moving picture. Dividing ourselves into groups we had to come up with a thesis for Anna, and then pull a scene from it that we could present to the class. A moving picture is literally a still photo like thing??? We will just get up in front of the class(as a group thank god) and depict one scene out of the book as if we were a painting. What a bizarre thing.

I of course was not feeling it. I got in the group full of Drama majors. Being a recovering Drama nerd myself I know how annoying young over actors can be. And of course I got stuck with the "I'm a drama major this is my life" girl. She has fiery red hair(which I think is dyed because it is dramatic), and pale skin.

Our campus created it's own television show(scripted) documenting the life of RA's in a particular dorm(how...Interesting) and she is in it. Problem is, is that she can't act. And I don't mean to crush dreams, but she needs to take more classes or do something else with her life.

In one scene of the show, maybe due to bad writing or her bad acting, she had to cry. It was the worst show of crocodile tears ever. She made her voice shake, look to the side, paused, quiver lip, sad face...And now she thinks she is Mrs. Nicole Kidman herself. ( I must give her some credit the writing on the show is horrible and...Dry to say the least. She worked with what was handed to her)

she isn't the only one who puts her on such a high pedestal, everyone around her feeds ego with "you are so smart and talented." In class she is always making comments to the text we read, which clearly are pulled for Spark-Notes R'US. And being a frequent visitor to the site, I am a witness to Mrs. Nicole Kidman getting her general "genius" ideas from other sources.

Whatever the case when we got in groups everyone puts her in charge of writing the thesis. The thesis was very generic but once again they all praised her work. We had this beautiful topic of rejection and shame to deal with, and they went all "the ideology of society makes ...." BORING. She is uber excited to "perform" a scene from the book. But with three Drama majors in one group I wonder which of them will fight to be ANNA, because everyone wants to be the STAR.

I'm opting to be an extra, a figure in the background who has no real need in the scene, but who wants a participation grade. It shall be my shining moment.

Anyway

My mind has been running at such high rates lately that sleep has become difficult. I didn't go to sleep until 3am this morning, because I could not stop thinking for anything. It was brought on when Casey gave me an assignment to make anxiety a person. I have to draw and write what anxiety would be if it were a physical person or thing.

How simple it seemed right?

Every since then it is all I have thought about. I feel like I have to complete it to get some sleep. My mind must be wanting me to deal with it, while my body says otherwise.

I was so eager to get started on it and make it this tangible thing I could conquer. 3 days later and it remains a blank piece of paper with ANXIETY written in big bold letters at the top. I have sketched something, scribbled something down, but have not been able to write WHO it would be. How strange it is to have to create something out of what you have been holding inside. I think it's kind of hard, because I feel like it has been such a part of me for such a long time that pulling forth who it would be, might be a little piece of me.

And I'm not ready to show her to world, because I know I would have to let her go. I'd have to say goodbye to her to allow myself to grow, but on some level she protects me and it's hard to let her go(it did not mean for that to rhyme, pretty good I must say).

I have a week to do it, and with my new HP scanner(!!!) I'll try to post it some time this week. But I must warn you I am no artist when it comes to drawing. TRUST ME.