Real Life

Could someone tell me why today I look like I had the craziest night of my entire life?

I look and feel like Danny Devito did on the view(minus being a balding, heavyset,older man. I still love you Danny).

I did go to sleep incredibly late last night, but I woke up feeling like I had gotten hit by a truck. My poor dear eyes even displayed my tiredness, and the day just went downhill from there.

It was like I was sleepwalking the whole day. In and out of sleep and wakeness. I barely listened in class as my Biology professor went on and on about global warming, and then at work I dropped a book on my foot and head. Bumped into more shelves then necessary, and spent two hours shelving books on the wrong floor.

My body can't give up on me yet, I still have a week of classes and then finals week. I'll either have to start drinking coffee in the morning or going to bed a little earlier. If this is what I look and feel like when I get 5 hours of sleep, I'd hate to see how I'd look after a night of limoncello shots. Just saying.

I have three days before I have to turn in my Alice in Wonderland story(including a soundtrack). Surprisingly it is going well. Seeing that I have never finished a story in my life, I look forward to creating an ending for Alice. This Alice is now 23-ish, spunky, quirky, and idealizing Wonderland(sounds like someone I know). I guess what makes writing a passion is the fun in creating something from an idea or a fleeting thought. And from there everything else falls into place. I was listening to a interview by the wonderful Sufjan who related his songwriting to storytelling. That there is this moment when something flutters inside you letting you know that you are on the verge of creating something beautiful. And despite my intense attraction for him(which could cause me to instantly think he I as a genius) I felt an appreciation that I am not the only one's whose process is derived from a a pool of thoughts and whose struggle lies is sorting through the mess to construct something decent.

Hopefully I will finish Alice after my nap. She will have to wait until I get some shut eye.

Today in the library I could not helping thinking about hoarders. In psych class hoarders are describe as people who keep everything, so much that there living spaces are often cluttered with junk. I assume they keep collecting things for fear that they will instantly need it for future use. I once say a documentary on hoarders, and this girl was only like 15. She kept everything from pencils, to gum wrappers, and even a sticker that she dreaded looking at . But she was afraid that if she threw it away she wouldn't be able to use it if a situation arose.

But I was thinking there must a thing like mental hoarders. Perhaps unsuccessfully I am trying to find a common ground with myself. We will call it becoming "congruent". I'm trying to come to happy balance with aspects of myself that I rather try to hide. If I can become comfortable with being silly and goofy, serious and grounded, smart and arty...Then I may be closer to allowing people into my life. I may start allowing the walls down, and letting people see the me I know I am.

But I mentally am like a hoarder. Bad and good experiences from my past reside in the same place. I am crowded with all these useless "boxes" that make it difficult to sift through the rubbage and find myself. Maybe the real issue with hoarders is not that they collect everything, but that they can't decipher what is important to keep and what is not needed to so that they can function, and not remain in a state of becoming cluttered with junk .

Cause I personally know the fear that comes along with having to throw something away. It is the possibility of being unprepared for when you want it back. You know throwing it away means it is forever lost to you, even if it does lighten up the space.

Time to nap then study. OH...and can I just say that pandora has changed my life. Why didn't i find this website sooner, it's like my own personal radio station. It's the greatest thing ever.