Daylight Savinng

I don't really call coming home a relaxing sort of Spring Break. I like making sure things get done when i am home so when i leave there will be an aroma of comfort for my family to get back to.

We are struggling to decorate the new place. It's been more than a couple of months now and it still looks like we have moved in. Perhaps it was the trauma from my 4th grade art teacher, but i have never been one to like to empty spaces. Blank walls freak me out, and i feel like i am in an hospital. We've looked in every possible magazine, website, and funiture store...and yet we still have no idea of how we want to decorate the new place.

For the past two days when have been driving around, hitting up every department store looking for something that catches us. I realize how different our tastes are, while she picks up another disturbing picture with flowers on it, i pick of pictures of european sights. After two days we ended up with one painting of a leaf. Yep...a LEAF. But at least it's something.

This is the first time in two days i have had time to myself, mainly because my mother is at work, my brother is asleep, and i have locked the cats out of my room(they are not to happy about that). Last week was just crazy exhausting, the week of spring break always seems a little longer than usual. I had a test to study for, Ochem which is just getting harder and harder, and therapy on Wednesday. During all of this i managed to get an awful cold, which has left me with the dreaded "man voice". I sound like Kristie Alley with an accent, it's horrible.

The highlight of the long week was probably therapy. Ever since I started going a common topic of discussion has been my devotion to writing, or rather my wishy washy tendencies with it. I have contemplated changing my major so many times it isn't even funny. Though i know writing is something i am good at, it frightens me to possibly want to major in it.

I describe it in therapy as a relationship. That i am torn between two guys. Biology, who we will name William and writing who will name Evan. Now William is my stable boyfriend. We've been going out for a while, he's reliable, he has a good job, and for the most part he's good to me. But there is a little distance between us, where he is serious and grounded in reality, I'm a dreamer and playful. He doesn't really get my silly ways, he thinks sometimes i can be immature and up in my head. He tries to bring me back down to earth, reminding me that my dreamy ways aren't practical. He wants me to get serious about my life, to stop the daydreams, to grow up already. Everyone loves him though because he promises a stable future. He comes from a good family, he's really handsome, and for the most part he can give me security.

But while dating William, i met a new guy...Evan. He's an artist, and he gets my ways. He's fun and he's playful and he knows who i am. I can be myself around him. I can be fearful, strong, brave, funny, and sad and he accepts all of them. He doesn't ask me to convert, he doesn't try to make me something i'm not...he lets me dance silly, cry on his shoulder, and accompanies me on new adventures. He's lovely, and odd...but he gets me....fully and completely. And i think i'm in love.

The problem is the more and more i convince myself to stay with William the more Evan draws away from me. He loves me just as i am, but cannot accept this relationship if i continue to turn him away. Sure William has a good job, sure he can provide a comfortable lifestyle, but is that what i really want? If i can't even bare to look at him in the face without seeing the one who i really want to be with, then what i am doing with William. He wants me to give him a commitment. He wants me to love him, not just feel it, but to LOVE him as he has proved that he loves me.

Perhaps Evan can't promise stability now, perhaps the journey through life will be an uphill battle(for now) but i see potential with him. I see happiness with him. I see adventures, and laughter, and comfortable kisses on my head just because he wants to.

But i'm just scared, scared that following my heart will be more strenuous. Even though it's something i desperately want.

I feel like Evan, writing, is boarding a train to somewhere great and he's waiting for me to join him. I'd have to give up everything i thought was right(William, Biology, etc) to go with him. And i'm at that crossroad right now. Lingering in this life with William(BIO) staring at everything he and it has to offer and knowing that it isn't for me. And i want to pack my bags and leave, head to the train station where Evan awaits and take his hand as he leads to me to great unknown.

I'm just hoping all my indecision's won't make me miss that train, because when he's gone i don't know if he will ever come back to take me with him, and then i'd be stuck here in this place consumed with regret for not following my heart. For not letting him know how much i love him, and that i desperately want him back.

I can exhaust myself sometimes.