March Madness

March sucks...

despite it being the lovely month that my mom, dad, and i were born...I f*cking hate march. It's a long month, spring is here, my nose is itching, and couples are emerging from their caves and showing us how much they love each other. It's enough to make anyone sick.

March has been crazy. Work seems longer, classes seem harder, and i barely have time to recoup from all of it. I can barely get up on time, and i have yelled "I can't find my pants!" too many times to count. My feet once again are dragging me to class and my eyelids grow heavy as soon as my professor speaks, especially during chemistry.

So today as i was dragging myself to work, i was more than surprised to see Katherine's teenage soon in the library. That brought back memories....

Coming back from spring break has overwhelmed me. This whole therapy thing is making me yearn for social interactions even more. I can no longer accept sitting around and feeling like i don't deserve friends. Because truthfully i need friends. I want friends. I want to hang out, and dance, and laugh and ...mainly dance.

I'm smart,and funny, and for the most part a very nice person to be around. And i'm kind of sick of hiding, of being invisible to the world, especially when i'm realizing how much i have to offer it, and how much it has to offer me. Don't worry i'm not becoming a smiley happy person, i'm barely a half smiley happy person must days, but i desperately want connections with people.

I even had this urge to go dancing somewhere. Dancing is very liberating, it's like my whole body working together to be free with the music. And perhaps like that stupid pink song perhaps life is a dance floor, and for once i'd like to dance on it. Because it doesn't matter if you know how to dance, it's just that you are out there doing it. It's just that you're moving your body to the beat of your own song.

Anyway.

Having this new approach to things(once again not in a happy smiley way. But my own half smile, sarcastic, me way) has made me a little brave in conquering the whole anxiety thing. I'm tyring to be brave, i'm trying to test the waters. I'm like Goldilocks, with dark hair, testing each and every pot of porridge, chair, and bed to find the one that s just right for me. I'm not any closer to finding it, but i'm at least i'm looking.

I was feeling good as i walked into the library, until my name was called and I saw her son paying a fine at the desk. I didn't even recognize him; i wish i could say it was beacuse he was wearing a hat, or because my eyes were just adjusting from being outside, but the truth is i didn't recognize him because when i stopped being Katherine's friend, i ultimately had to stop being his.

He's this really cool kid. A skateboarder, digs the same music and movies as me, and is pretty wise. When i did hang out with Kay i usually ditched her to hang out with her son. He reminds me of...well me in a way, and a couple of other people from my past. He's rough around the edges, but has a good head on shoulder. I dug his company more than Kays, and i think he dug mine. He said i wasn't like most of her friends, he felt he could talk to me. He was like the younger brother that i never had. And i feel like if we would have went to high school together he would have been a really good friend.

I instantly felt guilty when i saw him. I joked around with him, asked if he was doing well, and then said goodbye after a few more jokes. I wanted to hug him, or explain why me and Katherine weren't hanging out anymore, but i couldn't bring myself to lie to him. To make excuses. I wanted to know how he was doing, i remember repeating the question over and over again. More for my reassurance then his i think.

Apart of me watching him leave, wanted to go with him...to connect again to that part of my life that isn't mine anymore. To correct some wrong, so i wouldn't feel so guilty for being part of me and Katherine's falling out. Because no matter how crazy she was, i'm beginning to see that it wasn't all her fault. Like art boy, and countless others, i expected so much from her, perhaps more than i should have. And a part of our falling out was my inability to forgive her for her faults, no matter how many she had.

Time to do homework. Advisement is this week and i don't have a clue what i am going to take next semester. I do know that very cute creative writing teacher is not teaching that class next semester. It makes me very sad.