Revolving Door

I remember there was this stupid movie staring Gwyneth Paltrow called Sliding Doors that came out around 1998.

I was 12, and even then knew the movie was pretty lame. You know when you have those moments where you wonder what could have happened if you had taken another route. If you had taken that trip, turned that corner, or went out with that guy instead of doing the polar opposite. Well that's basically what the movie is about, expect the character misses a train and for what seemed like 3 hours the movie traces what would have happened is she caught the train or when she missed the train and examined how different or similar her life would be(but of course in a very cheesy hollywood way).

Some days i get into those "sliding doors" moments. Where something small like a commercial will make me think of the path i have not taken. I was lying in bed yesterday and flipping through the channels where i stumbled on a familiar face. My first crush in the "whole entire world" brother is an actor. He's been on Law and Order, The Bronx Tale, and some other crap like that and some days i get the unfortunate pleasure of seeing his face plastered on my Tv. As i lay there staring at the brother of the dude i majorly crushed on when i was a kid...i had a fleeting sliding doors moment. I wondered how things differently things would have been if i had just taken another path.

I hate getting those feelings, i'm trying to overcome those feelings. I am trying to live in the moment, right now, present tense, not in the shadow of" what if's". "What if's" are "What if's" for a reason. Right? At least that's what i am attempting to tell myself as i ponder over them endlessly in my mind.

To me the "what if's" are the turns you take in the sliding doors. Cause if you think about it, unless you step out of the revolving doors to head out into the street or into the store, you can get stuck in them forever. And perhaps i have been spinning in that revolving door longer than need be. Perhaps it's easier to stay in them, then to finally make a decision to take one path and stick with it..."whats if" left at the door.

But i haven't gotten to that point yet, and that's probably why today sucked. It could have been because of the number of times i tripped, or the number of times i dropped a book on my foot, but regardless today sucked and now i have to go to a hall meeting and pretend to ignore Music Boy.

Life.

Oh...but Mike did buy me cheesecake for my birthday. Clearly he knows the way to my heart is through sweets. I didn't even think he would care that it was my birthday, but on Friday he dragged me to some pastery store and bought me the hugest cheesecake ever. It was pretty nice of him.

My birthday was pretty good, the weather sucked and everyone dragged around as if death was knocking on their door, but i was pretty happy. It was my special day, and even though not a lot of people knew it was birthday...i was just happy that 21 years in the making and i turned out pretty okay.

My mom mailed me a goodie box, full of the Sims Nightlife ("so you can get smashed via simulated people on your birthday and not feel bad about it" direct quote from my mother), candy, cards, clothes, and what not.

I got calls from friends and family, and then i passed out after eating a pizza pie and watching a marathon of Dead Like Me. I figure when i finally get the good group of friends that a girl deserves my birthday will be a little bit different, but now i am totally content with how things went.

I head home this week for spring break to celebrate with my mom. Hopefully a car will be in the works for me or something, but i don't think that's going to happen. I do know i am totally getting a bottle of wine, it's the adult way. And I'm adult. Whatever that means.

Back to studying.