Personal Narrative.

So i had my first class with Gorgeous Professor (more on him in a later post) and so far so good. The course is a Nonfiction Creative Writing class, which to me sounds like an oxymoron. My experience with Nonfiction has not been all so great. I like autobiographies but only the beginning and end, i pretty much skim the middle. I like true crime novels but don't find them particular pleasant to read. Of course he does not expect us to write a book long autobiography of our lives but he does expect us to compose personal narrative essays.

I don't know how i feel about composing personal narratives because the only experience with that genre has been this journal and i am not going to express myself in class as i have here. Already he has assigned that we come up with a preliminary personal narrative for Monday. Nothing concrete of course but just some vague sense of what we might want to write about.

I'm kind of struggling with this. I feel like i do not have enough personal experiences to write a personal narrative. Or rather...the personal experiences i do have i don't want to express to a class full of people and a very hot professor. My personal experiences are mostly of relationships that have fizzled out. They are of anxiety and insecurity and I'm not really comfortable having that critique and read by peers.

I guess a part of the personal narrative that is bugging me is having to put down on paper something that i may not have resolved. When he mentioned having to write a personal narrative i thought...Hey i can write about my grandma. I don't talk about her that much even though her death affects me and it may be interesting to put my struggle with her death down on paper. But then i literally started having anxiety over doing that, this surge of emotion arose that i didn't know was still there and i all of sudden couldn't imagine having to read this paper aloud.

I'm not a person who resolves things. A part of why i hang on to the past so much is because i never made my peace with it. Everything has pretty much been left open and that alone lets me venture into the "should of, would of, could haves". Luckily i am pretty much over the "would of, could have" part , but the "should of" part haunts me:

I should have ended things better. I should have said i loved you more. I should have told you the truth. I should have said i was sorry. I should have forgiven you. I should have forgiven myself.

We'll see how this personal narrative goes...right now it's freaking me out a little.

In other totally unrelated news: My brother kind of apologized to me today. My mom ,unsuccessfully trying to be the bridge over troubled waters ,told him that I think he hates my guts. And it's the truth i am beginning to think that he just hates me. Plain and Simple. My brother is one who apologizes until he is blue in the face and then will wait until you forgive him to stab you in the back. Despite still loving him to death there comes a point where i just don't know if that's enough especially when he does things to just be mean.

The conversation lasted seconds. Him apologizing and me saying "whatever"

Lets hope i resolve this relationship before it becomes another issue i have to bring up in therapy.