Back in Your Head...

So i am finally sort of finished with my personal essay.

four days, little sleep, and a buttload of coffee...and i think i have got something here.

On Friday me and "The Writer" went over each others introduction. Still hella nervous about having:

a) him critique my paper
b) me having to say his paper confused the hell out of me without being rude

i wasn't looking forward to class. How do you tell someone who thinks they are a God that his paper did nothing for you. So i decided along with critiquing his paper i would incorporate more suggestion on how to make it better than focusing on what was wrong with it. I figured if i at least got on his good side, he wouldn't take what i had to say so offensively.

And i think it may have worked, i put anxiety for a moment behind me and tried to be friendly, nice and funny....and then i critiqued the hell out of his paper. We surprisingly got along well, and he even like my essay. He said he has never had the intense form of anxiety i described in my paper, and it was interesting to read. I felt bad because i didn't really have anything good to say about his paper, so i got him talking about his writing process, which he spent the remainder of the class doing.

Mr.McSleepy spent two days reading our papers, and supplied comments to help us with the remainder of the paper that we have to turn in on Monday. I was looking forward to what he would write on "The Writers" paper because his comments would help me decide once and for all if he was a complete imbecile. I figured if he wrote that "the writers" personal narrative was good, i would have to punch him in that cute face.

I mean that paper sucked big time, and i couldn't be the only one thinking it. Towards the end of class Mr. McSleepy handed back our papers. "The Writer" got his back first, and there were scribbles all over the thing. Trying not to pry but being a sort of curious i leaned over to check out some of the comments...and thank god Mr. McSleepy didn't hold back on his critiques.

He go as far in saying that it sucked...but it was damn close. He's gaining back a little respect from me.

As he came around to me, finally remembering my name, he handed back my paper which only had one comment..."Well-Told"

First step: impressing him with my paper, Second Step: Marriage or Love Affair.

In all honesty this has been one of the harder papers i have had to write( and why i have spent the last few entries writing about it. I'm sorry i know...I will get to my normal ranting and ravings soon). I don't know why it is easier to write about anxiety on my blog than for a grade. My paper is no way in the stages of being completely done but i feel like i have gotten the bare essentials down.

Tomorrow after turning in my anxiety paper, i have to go to Therapy. I am freaked out. I really liked Casey and had no intention of getting a new therapist. But i don't really have a choice, seeing that she isn't there anymore. My new therapist is some guy named Toby and i am still trying to deal with the "he's a guy" thing.

I don't particularly feel as anxious anymore...but there are bouts of sadness that have come and gone in the past couple of weeks. I realized that i must be the most insecure girl in the whole entire world, and i don't know how to get over it.

I have built a wall so high, so no one can see how much i want to be wanted, that i don't know how to tear it down. But I'm realizing what all the connections i hope to make, i have to stop being so self-conscious. But that is easier said than done.

On Thursday i got good reviews about this poem i wrote. My group seemed to generally like it, and said i had natural talent. This should have made me happy, should have taking all the doubts away, but instead i felt...down. Because everyone else seems to see the thing i can barely see in myself, and i don't why i am so hard on myself. I don't why. Insecurity is killing me. Absolutely.

This is probably why talking to a dude will be a little difficult. How am i suppose to talk about vulnerability and insecurity with a man...who i feel the most insecure and vulnerable in front of.

We'll see tomorrow how it goes.