My therapist says that when i start revealing things about myself I have a tendency to bail/jump ship/head in the opposing direction before people get too get close to the real me. The sort of insecure, vulnerable, i despeartely need a hug ME
It's out of fear i guess.
I must admit i am still in a shittastic mood, and almost shut down completely deciding to retreat into a shell for a couple of weeks, and sort my head out. But then i remembered that i do that a lot when things become to personal...i just flee. And what good has that done me in the past.
I always sort of admired those bloggers who put there whole lives on a blog. From pictures of themselves frolicking ( i like that word) around with friends and family and give the location of where they live and what school they go too, because they are utterly open with that sort of thing.
The reason i don't do that is because i'm not ready to give all of myself to people, I like a little mystery...it's my thing.
And that's pretty much how i am in my real life. The people around me get the physical stuff...the coy smile, the brown eyes, and the bed head...but only because they don't get the other stuff. The blog stuff.
I sort of keep these two worlds separate, the physical and the emotional, and once again it's just about safety. Well my safety, if i keep people distant enough...it won't hurt so bad when then have to leave.
I guess that's why the whole personal narrative disaster has put me in such a funk. It was the first time these two worlds have collided, and it was criticized, critiqued, and put out there for the eyes of my peers and professor McDouchebag.
I feel so raw, like i have an open wound and no band-aid to cover it.
But after some TLC from Justin Timberlake and Sting (music gets me out of shitty days) i refuse to continue to feel bad, or at least i am working on it.
I have not looked at my personal essay since he gave it back to me on Wednesday (still a little traumatizing) but in two weeks we have to have a one on one with him and i plan on asking "why they fuck did you totally trash my piece" but in a nicer way.
I'm so over this class and him it's not even funny.
In other totally unrelated news one of my professors wants us to try some sort of social experiment. Like the movie "Super-Size Me". We got to decide what we wanted to do, and have to do it for at least two weeks.
I was trying to rack my brain over it, I'm definitely not eating McDonald's for 2 weeks straight, I'm a poor college student so living off a set amount of money a day would not work, and i don't do diets.
I have however heard over and over again how little school spirit i have. I'm not really a participator of things especially school related. Only about 40% has to do with anxiety, the rest has to do with me not giving a shit. So my social experiment is giving a shit about the things held around campus. ASSIMILATION.
Of course i got this not so brillant but relatively easy to accomplish idea from...DEAD LIKE ME.
Georgia Lass: "I’ve never belong to a club I mean I get them, I just don’t want to be in them. Like book clubs “hey check out how smart we are, we can read”. Shut up already. And bicycle clubs. What’s that about. One guy in a bad outfit: You’re a tool Four guys in the same goofy outfit and suddenly you're the shit. Give me a break. My parent’s always told me to join some club at school, any club at all, just pick a card. But I didn’t, and then a club finally picked me(reaping). I don’t think this is what my family had in mind.”
God i love George, plus she has my pout perfected...it's creepy.
Anyway, I'm basically going to squeeze my way into every thing around campus, snagging freebies along the way.
I'm kind of looking forward to it. Most of the events held around campus are free, and they give stuff away.
So I'm buying my first ever college t-shirt, strapping on my enthusiasm, and yelling "GO _____!!!" , as i make my way into every free concert, comedy club, and save Dafur lectures around campus.
I'm really good at faking enthusiasm.
3 comments:
well....as *I* was told in therapy, fake it till you make it.
no! what they actually say is: if you practice/pretend/fake confidence long enough, it becomes the real deal. you stop having to consciously pretend, and you start just being.
what if you go to a club or something and REALLY LIKE IT?!?!?!
my confidence plan consist of: making eye contact on occasion, and sometimes smiling at strangers (male or female). it works. people like it when you smile at them. especially since you have a pout! and a coy smile! and BROWN EYES (like me!)!!
who knew you were such a coy mistress????
let me read your essay before you go talk to Professor McAsshole. i'll show him how a REAL teacher does things.
good luck with the social experiment. i know you can do it! it'll be good practice, too. try making eye contact, and smiling at someone, at each event you attend.
(an easier way to start is making eye contact, smiling and saying "hi how are you" to cashiers and baristas and people like that who you really don't care about).
As a self-diagnosed painfully shy person, I must say, solidarity sister. I feel your pain. Being exposed, out there, laid bare, makes me so nauseous and anxious I want to die and, even worse, makes me sweat like a madman. I've definitely had my share of run home and cry my eyes out, but make sure no one can see me moments. Had one this Summer, had one last Winter, had a few during the Fall. But of course, no one walking around campus (or even reading my blog) would know. This shy one likes to keep things under wraps, really really tightly. Gosh I need a good therapist! I think you'd be surprised how many seemingly ok girls are really not. Ironically, you're probably one of the most secure, stable, and healthy ones! (need proof? just look at Lohan, Hilton, and the miserable Ms. Spears)
Can I just say... better you than me? Good luck, hun.
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