Death Be Not Proud

I'm a wreck.

My dad called me last night, and ever since i have been crying like crazy.

Ever since my grandma died there has been this constant worry over my dad's health. His years of alcohol have no doubt taken a toll on his liver and his recent heart attack has made the once fearless man a little more careful.

He's one of those guys who doesn't really tell you what's wrong with him, until something bad happens. Which is frightening because i'm not there to take care of him, even though there is probably nothing i can do.

There was certain immediacy in his voice the other night, like he had to tell me right then and there that he loved me with all that he was able to give. "If anything ever happens" he kept repeating "i just want you to know that you, and your, brother and your mother were the most important thing to me. I never left you, and i never will"

My dad is like the strongest person i know, when i was a kid i swore he could lift cars, bend steel, and conquer the whole entire world. There is this picture that i hold on to with my whole life, it was taken moments before my mom came to pick me and Morgan up from our weekend stays. He is wearing this green army hat flexing his muscle with me and Morgan imitating the same thing. I am kneeling on his lap, with a huge grin on my face, as my pigtails are moments from hitting him in the face. But i remember it being the best night of my whole entire life, and i never wanted to leave.

I don't know what i'd do if my dad were to die. If i couldn't call him up just to hear him say that he was proud of me. I'd feel so guilty for not being there and for not having the words to say that i was proud of him too. Despite the divorce, and shit like that, I was just glad and proud that he thinks i'm the best thing that has ever happened to him.

I'm trying to put my worries behind me, but my tears are not letting that happen.