I Don't Know?

About 2 weeks ago me and my therapist were once again talking about relationships.

To sum it up in a nutshell: I want relationships, good ones, ones that i haven't had the pleasure of being in as of late. But I fear that in those relationships i will be a disappointment. The risk seems to high because the loss is too great. So instead i surround myself with people and relationships that aren't ideal because there is no invested interest in it. I cannot get hurt in because I keep those relationships at a surface level.

The man is a genius.

I say that i am working on honesty in my writing, but i think i also i am trying to be more honest in real life. I am trying to exert what i want so that i can attain it. It's as simple as that really. Relationships should be founded on some sort of honesty. Not an extreme divulging of my secrets and passion, but i have to be true to myself if i wish to attract the relationships i want.

For the most part, i know what i don't want. Self indulgent, materialistic, rude, friends. I've had enough of them in my life. But i still manage to surround myself with these people. People who come to me to talk about their issues. I always tell my Dr. Phil that outside the walls of his office, i am the therapist and i do a pretty good job of it.

I shake my head, put my hand on my chin, give an empathetic ear, and then follow that up with some sound advice. I could start a practice (unlicensed of course), have a set fee, make a little money on the side, maybe even pay off these loans in a timely manner.

But...

These are not friendships.And people are slowly taking advantage of this quality.

I run away from stable people, because then i feel like i will be the friend with the "issue". I will come in with my big ol' anxiety, and scare them away. It's easier being the therapist because then i don't have to face myself. I don't have to face my own needs and wants, because there are too many people talking about their own shit, for me to get a word in otherwise.

"Maybe i don't feel i deserve relationships" I remember saying. I'm entirely too comfortable in his room. My feet are always tucked under me, i slouch in the big leathery seat so that i am almost resting my head against the pillow, and i drop more f bombs then necessary. I get so comfortable sometimes i admit things that i would like to keep to myself, mainly that i don't feel like i deserve relationships, like i am punishing myself with these bad ones.

I have yet to figure out why i my punishing myself, but it is an interesting path to follow.

Of course he challenges me with a question about feeling like don't deserve relationships. He wanted me to list things about myself that actually make people want to get to know me....you know the positive attributes that everyone has...that sort of shit.

And i couldn't think of one thing.

Not one.

I sat there for a least 3 minutes with a blankness. Like "why would someone want to be my friend" It should have been an easy answer but it wasn't. I cleared my throat, asked for a water break and only came up with:

"Well I'm funny sometimes"

Funny. Like a clown. Funny.

He chimed in after my lame attempt, and started listing for me. It was very nice and embarrassing that i can't even come up with things about myself that are good.

So when i saw him Friday it was the first thing i brought up. That i can't even list good things about myself, how i am ever suppose to get to know people, when the only thing i feel i can bring into a relationship is...laughter.

He says my lame attempt had nothing to do with low self esteem (which was reassuring) but that i spend so much time being a therapist to others that my my own identify is submerged. No wonder I'm anxious, because the spotlight is never on me and when people start paying attention i withdraw, hide away, suppress all the positive qualities because it's too risky.

I have to find a balance, because thinking back on it, i have a lot more to offer than just being..funny, but no one can ever see that if I'm hiding or solely listening.

Time for homework.

Oh and Marie started a blog...on Blogger. I have yet to find it (and i hope she never finds mine) but if i have to go incognito one of these days (privatizing my blog...which i DO NOT want to do) you'll know why.

She's crowded my space even in space. Geez.