Reality doesn't Bite.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. I was set back by the whole wine festival thing and had to magically write an 8 page paper and study for philosophy exam all in one week. Then i have this weird flu like thing which does not make me a happy blogger. Being sick sucks. Really sucks. But it didn't stop me from hanging out with Marie last night.





We have been friends for forever and even though she gets on my nerves sometimes, i don't turn my back on friends. We can go without weeks for talking (mainly because i ignore her calls) but when i do pick up the phone, it's sort of like old times. It's weird to imagine that i have a history with this person. But every time i am with her, it is made apparent that history ties us together. We end up talking about high school and middle school, and i see the great change in both of us.





Despite feeling like crap yesterday, i said i would hang out with her when she called me. I was in the middle of this awesome lifetime movie about a psycho foster mother from hell. Me and mom were dressed in pajama's, eating leftover pizza, and yelling "that bitch is crazy" at the television, when Marie called. For a split second i was like "don't pick up the phone", but i was reminded of skipping prom with Marie to grab food 45 minutes out of town, arguing with people with her by my side, and generally being misfits together at our high school. And i guess history with another person won over my lifetime marathon and i said "sure" when she asked if i wanted to do something.





Apparently her senior year in college is not going well. After her breakup with the Ex which ended badly (he flirted with other girls, talk about her behind other people's back, and probably used her in more ways than one. He moved to NYC this semester, and is going to art), her 70 lb weight gain, and friend problems...her stress level is pretty high. And now all of a sudden, after years of talking about vet school, she has "decided" she doesn't want to go (though secretly i think she didn't get accepted). I mean unlike me, she is actually good with science and math, has recommendations out of her ass, and talked so much about vet school that not getting in wasn't an option. And now of all of a sudden she "doesn't" want to go and instead is going for a job interview where she will be dealing with farm animals. It seems a little weird, but i didn't push it.





She called her friend Whitney and asked if she wanted to hang out with us too. It's kind of weird meeting your friends new friends, but Whitney tagged along with us, and she wasn't that bad. She's really smart and Chic, soft spoken and has a nice dog named Oscar. We all went to a Mexican restaurant near their campus, where my already full stomach (pizza) was feuding with my chicken burrito. It was like WWIII between Mexico and Italy was occurring in my belly, and before both countries decided to nuke each other, we got the check and headed back to Whitney's place.





The next three hours was this pleasant talk fest. Marie talked endlessly about The Ex, her weight, and her shitty friend. Me and Whitney chimed in from time to time while she then insisted she was over all three of those things.





I recommended that she should start dating a lumber jack. Whitney agreed as long as he doesn't rock the plaid shirts everyday.





Some where in between Marie's tribulations we started talking about how much has changed since we where in high school. I mean we are actually the same people, i have figured that out. She is still loud and outspoken and i am still...well me. In the short time i have been home, i have ran into old ( and i mean old ) faces from High school and Middle school, who all seem to say that I haven't changed at all even though I have changed so much. It's paradoxical, "you are who you are except you are so different then who i remember" and i think it doesn't have anything to do with my personality but it's just that my wants when I was an 14 year old middle schooler in love with someone from the Backstreet boys, or the 16 year who hated my math professor like no one else's business, are so different now from then, that I don't even recognize that girl anymore.





I mean maybe that's the whole secret of growing up. For the most part, you remain essentially the same person your whole life (i mean of course change is inevitably, but the core of who you are remains the same) just your wants evolve with your experience and age. It was like this huge light bulb went off in my head, as the nice dog Oscar licked my hand and then returned to licking the couch. I am not this different person from several years ago, just what i aspire to be and become are very different.





Marie said that her major change from high school is that she is no longer is setting her standards low. That she dated the Ex because she compromised important values in her life for him.





Mine isn't so boy based (surprising i know). I think the biggest change for me is that I am slowly accepting myself, and realizing that my wants/needs are so different from that girl i use to know. I think before i was living up to this expectation of a life that i felt like i was suppose to lead. It was terribly unrealistic and so out of reach and conflict arose because i didn't have any idea what i really wanted.





I'm a dreamer don't get me wrong, but i have to function in the real world too. And I've let some of those fake aspirations go in search for more realistic ones. Or at least that is what i am trying to do. Perhaps this is where i am struggling now, taking everything down from the pedestal i have placed it on. I am learning that relationships, people, and everything in between are complex and hard things because they aren't some ideal fairy tale thing. That i being a doctor was out of want i wanted for myself, and i have always been a writer, even though I've denied i for some years. The person i am today, the things that i want for myself right now, are always the things i have wanted. This is the person i have always wanted to be, underneath the insecurity and vulnerability.






And realizing that makes my wants and needs, something worth fighting for because they are tangible





And there is something freeing in that. Knowing that i am completely the same person yet so different. That the wants that am fighting for right now, are all my own. That they are tangible as long as i don't stop here. Don't give up and return to Anxiety, or hide behind a mask of unrealistic aspirations.





Reality doesn't bite so much, it's just this place where you get cut and scrapped up in because something is on the line. Your happiness. Your sanity. Your security. But it's worth in the long run, at least that's what 22 year old me is saying.

Time for some Kerouac