List-O-Rama

I cannot begin to explain how much i love making lists.

I make lists for everything, because it lessens the anxiety I have at that particular time.

Lists remind me of my aspirations, goals, and sometimes what i am suppose to do on a given day. I don't make them often, but I do feel a sense of safety when I have mapped out what i want to accomplish. There is something about seeing a step by step guide that wipes anxiety away and makes me feel productive. I follow a list of ingredients for baking and cooking, I make a list on really busy days so I can squeeze everything in, but more importantly I make a list of what I want to accomplish for myself (in life) so I don't forget it.

In this place you can get so wrapped up in the busy flow of excessive activity and livelihood that you can forget why you came here in the first place. It's pretty easy to do this too. There is so much to see, so much to do, so much you feel you have to be apart of that you can lose what you wanted to create for yourself. And for a person who loves list...this is frightening thing.

I started my job yesterday and it was pretty good. Everyone seems nice (for now) the hours are manageable (for now) and for the most part it seems like something I can do (until i find my dream job in publishing). I always get weirded out when i see people clearly older than me working at a bookstore, or music store. I don't mean those people who are working their part time to earn more money, or those (like me) who need something for right now. But I mean those people who literally have made this particular bookstore a career. It's not that I have any bias against them (times are rough and any job is better than no job) but I wonder if they ever saw themselves working at a bookstore when they hit 40. I wonder if somewhere along the way their dreamed got deterred and this is where they have ended up.

You may have figured out that I am often afraid of settling. My greatest fear is that I won't accomplish what i have set out to do with my life, and because of this I will get so comfortable in something steady that i will be unfulfilled. Toby use to say that because i am aware of this fear and acknowledge it (along with verbalizing it) that that is probably not going to happen to me. But it is still an unnerving possibility that lingers somewhere within.

One of the managers (the one who hired me) is an attractive, seemingly intelligent book girl. She is in her 30's, recently married and has just moved here from California. She has worked at this book store for 14 years!!!! 14 YEARS!!! She said she started out as a cashier and "just sort of stayed with the company". For 14 years!!! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. She then introduced us to some guy name Keith (who I was instantly creeped out by. He just has this "I like em' young" look to him). He had the same exact story as the other manager. They started out working the floor and then just stayed with the company.

It's like my worst nightmare. EVER! As she was telling me and the other girl about the book store policies and benefits (should we stay long enough to receive) I had visions of me sitting in her spot 5 years later with a goofy smile on my face and my dreams totally abandoned for a safe job and employee benefits (though employees are allowed to check out any hard copy book in the store as long as we bring it back in two weeks. I of course had to use this benefit yesterday). I imagined coming in everyday at 27, with my homemade lunch, new bag of faces, and having water coolers moments about Heroes (should it still be on in 5 years).

Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that I have a job and subsequently a paycheck every week but I don't want to forget what I came here for. I didn't come to make a career out of selling books at a bookstore. I could do that anywhere. I came here to make a dream a possibility and I hope it won't be this hard forever.

I guess the fear originates from the waning possibility that I will get this internship. It's been a whole week since I emailed her, and after checking my email relentlessly (every hour) I think she passed on having me as her intern. If she hasn't contacted me by Monday I am toying with the idea of emailing her back and saying "is the internship still available? If not, thank you for considering me". I have set my work schedule around having a morning internship, and if I don't have this one (and i really don't feel like waiting anymore to hear if I'm even consider) than I need to look for another internship.

The truth is I can't get a job in publishing without some experience in publishing. The promises of an entry level job is bullshit. Sure they are looking for college graduates, they just happen to leave out the whole "If you have an internship we will definitely consider you for the position" It makes sense though, at least with an employee with some experience you don't have to hold their hand for a long time. I know that being around people in a field that I want to get into will only inspire me to work harder and start accomplishing the things I set out to do.

But as I continue to check my email, and I continue my job at the bookstore ,I know I will always be thinking about the reality of my life being very different from the aspirations of it. And I know, I've just started my whole "real world" experience. I know I have a tendency to want immediate results rather than wait for things to work out.

But I just don't want to get so comfortable that I settle. Settling is just not an option.