Time Alone.

TGIF!!

My aunt has had the last three days off which has not given me much time to myself. I told my mom that I love my alone time after being with people for too long. When i said this she did her weird concerned voce and said she was afraid that my brother and I may have antisocial behavior. She attributes this to our need for alone time and wonders if either of us will ever be in a stable relationship (because my brother has only been in bad ones and I have been in none).

For someone who has just given away my cats to some god awful---I don't even want to know---place, raising these new concerns about my relationships are imposing and irritating. Even if she does have a point.

I have recently discovered that I am a needy person. And not in that oh-so-crazy way. I like taking care of things, I like affection, I like being important which is odd because I am so guarded that no one can get close to me.

I made this discovery this summer because of my affections for Stephen. Though I was clearly attracted to him, and he was not shy of his interest, curiosity, and puzzlement over me there was this physical blockade that prevented me from hanging out with him more. Let me go through my last meeting with Stephen, which I have been too embarassed to discuss here.

I was shelf reading on the first floor by myself one dayto make sure that all the books in a particular aisle were in the right place. This can take a pretty long time, so I took a seat in the aisle and began reading the shelves. Stephen works on the first floor, and sometimes we would see each other from a distance. He would smile, and I would run into something. I swear to Bob. On this particualr day, i was shelf reading right near the office he worked in and mid book, I noticed him from the corner of my eye walking towards the office. He noticed me too, because he sort of walked slowly by glancing in my direction.

Instead of being a normal 22 year old flirtateous girl, who would have said "hey Stephen" I ignored him because i was nervous. This would not have been a bad thing, if he hadn't walked by my aisle so many damn times to make it obvious that he wanted me to notice him. Not only did he walk by the aisle but he went to the soda machine (a few feet away) and took the longest time deciding what drink he wanted. It was excruitating. I wanted to go up to him. I wanted to be that girl. Confidant and cute and flirty. But instead, I just sat there and let the guy I liked walk away with some lame soda.

Needless to say for a girl who wants to be wanted and needed I don't do such a good job of putting myself out there.

Mike always complained that I was there but not there. Like even though we were friends he felt distant from me. At the time, I told him that was complete bullcrap and to finish eating so we could get back to studying. But as I sit here now, a couple of years after his observation I feel like he has a point.

Yes we were friends. Yes we knew things about each other that we wouldn't admit to anyone else but he never knew what I was feeling. About him, about our friendship, or about my part in the relationship. I can see now why he was utterly exhausted by me. I mean this is going to be a horrible analogy but imagine being a kid who has just recieved a present you can't play with. You can see the toy, you know will have love it but you are forbidden to get too close because of the steel box that contains it.

Hell I'd be frustrated too.

At 22, I have built my wall so high that i've missed out on opportunities that I desperately want. I want to feel important and needed by people outside my immediate family. And as i still continue and try to be socially revelant, this need has become a worry that i can't shake. When i think about the future, outside of a career, it's my relationships that i worry about. I know what i want (to be needed) but I can't step outside my own paralysis to open up and just be me.

I guess I just have to keep working at it.