I had a good quiet day.
I wish I had more days like this one. Where I wake up, do my laundry, make food for myself from scratch, watch recorded TV shows, and write while listening to alt rock. My days have been busy and stressful, and I barely find time to squeeze in any of the things I like.
I am applying to grad school. Slowly that is. I know what is required of me (GRE, Recommendations, Statement of Purpose, yadda yadda) but life just seems to be getting in the way. I am excited to invest in this whole writing thing. Grad school is the right choice for me, I know this for sure. I can be more than just someone who wants to write. I can feel like I can actually do it. That I have a voice and perspective that people may want to hear.
I'm am not always looking forward to heading back to my old school though. I like it here. I like it here a lot, and though I don't doubt I can make something of myself there, there are moments when I want to stay right where I am. Right where I feel like I belong. I wish the situation were different as in, I wish i could afford my own place, I and had another job then my bookstore one..but I still want to stay here. When it comes down to it, I wish that was a possibility.
Applying to another grad school has crossed my mind. I mean hey, there are a crap load of schools with writing programs that are pretty good but there is that fear of rejection which could set me back a couple of more months. I feel like if i just get into this program I could still intern in New York during summer or any of my other long breaks. I could still participate in my world here even if I am far far away. I don't know.
I went to dinner with Abagail tonight who just returned from a four day trip to Canada. She bought me a book bag (it's Canadian y'all) that she thought I would like since I have to travel in the city and all (and I fear getting my big clunky bag mugged). Dinner was nice. It's what people my age do, and in my old school hanging out with friends wasn't even an option. Unless you count Mike and Katherine. I was in such a different place there and I was such a different person. OK, that's a stretch, I was not a different person but i was trapped internally because I never felt like I could express myself. I never felt like I could be the person that I wanted to be.
I have that problem here too. I mean, I am extroverted out with activities and people, but I miss the internal dialogue that kept me grounded and connected. Where the hell is that balance. Where the hell is all my time going. When the hell did i become an adult. A kind of adult with responsibilities and choices. Being an adult sucks, i don't recommend it to anyone.
I have a lot to do in the next 4 months. I have to figure out where I want to be and what i want to be doing. I know I am only 22 but I feel like I should have my shit together. But then I realize that no one has their shit together. I can't name one person that I know who has any idea where their life is going and then I wonder why I try so hard to make sense of any situation when it seems like everyone just ends up going with the flow any way.
I hate facebook and myspace. There is always that one (or two) person you befriended because you spoke to them once in class and felt it necessary to befriend them. There is this one such girl named Sarah who I met during an American History class. We ended up a group once and she was pretty cool. She had a unique fashion sense (which is rare in Small Town USA) and I may have complimented on her that. Anyway she recently graduated and got accepted to F.I.T. Every so often there is that damn update on her life and times in NYC. Through her posted pictures and such her life looks so damn amazing and easy. She decided to come to New York and become a fashion designer. So she did, and now she probably lives in Greenwich with her cool boyfriend with the weird name while she works as fashion consultant/ shopper for some high end clothing store. I mean I don't know if this is the case, but I feel that is so.
I wish I was 'that' girl. Not that 'Miss Sara' has all her shit going on, but in my mind she probably does. She probably isn't worrying about anxiety or depression or where the hell she'll be in a few years. She isn't like me or anyone of my friends who are constantly teetering on the idea of how we have gotten to this place in our lives where indecisiveness is a daily thing.
I think to0 much. I should stop doing that some times. My birthday is in a few weeks. I am turning 23! Geez where has the time gone. I am want to go to the Guggenheim possibly. I haven't been to a museum since I got here, and I wouldn't mind doing something totally nerdy. I plan on bringing my camera and everything for extra nerdy points. I don't know. We'll see. I don't know how much the ticket will be or if anyone has that day off to go with me.
Time to for bed. I have to get up early and get on the express train with a bunch of old men in suits. Not as hot as I thought it would be.
~Becks
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