Strange Condition.

I am sickly. Or tired. Or maybe just a fine balance of both. Who knows.


Yesterday I had to work from 9-5. This schedule bothers me because it's the generic working man reference to having to be at a place for a duration of time to make money. I mean there's a Dolly Parton movie with this reference as a title. 9-5 scares me, I want a career where these two numbers have no meaning to me outside of 'I'm glad i don't have to work a 9-5 shift. Ever'.

When I got to work I wasn't feeling well. My head hurt, my body was warmer then usual and my throat felt weird. I love that at 22 I am aware of my body. I know when I am getting sick based on symptoms that only I know. Needless to say by 11 I didn't feel well at all, I didn't want to leave early so I toughed it out until 5 o'clock.

I am not use to frigid cold. I am not use to the how violent the wind is combined with temperatures in the low teens. I don't think my body is accustomed to it, and due to my long encounters with the cold weather I think my body is shutting down. It's asking for me to take a break or at least stay inside for a while. Luckily i have a day off, and I do not plan to even step outside to get the mail.

If I don't feel well by tomorrow, I am going to call Lenny and say that I can't come in. I am in no shape to be hanging out on roofs or running errands around the city all day. I couldn't bare it. I am considering looking into a different internship. Yes I was hella excited that I got this one, but I feel like I shouldn't be there.Outside of Camera-Gate 2009, I'm not really learning anything. I am spending almost 40 dollars a week to surf the Internet and make calls to frustrated Fed-ex people in New Jersey. Learning something would totally be an adequate compensation, but for most of the day (when I am not fucking things up) Lenny is trying to come up with things for me to do.

I feel like wasted space there. I mean I know internships are not luxurious, I wouldn't have signed up for one if it was. I am low on the totem pole which I don't mind. I like having to prove myself. It's exciting. But because I don't have any production experience, I don't even think I am on the pole. I think I standing outside of it, 2 miles down the road. All the other interns have specific things to do, while I am always the one asking 'so whats next'. This makes me nervous because i believe the answer is 'well...nothing, but hang around and something may pop up'. Regardless, I am going to stick it in until April 1st (or until they let me go because of Camera-Gate) but for tomorrow I physically cannot go. Traveling alone is a hassle, I couldn't imagine having to exert any more energy.

Anyway, enough about my sick body.

My birthday is this Sunday, if you can believe it.I actually forgot about it. No lie. I mean I didn't forget that I have a birthday, but February went by so fast I didn't realize this Sunday would be my special. I have no idea what I am going to do. My aunt is taking me out for dinner and buying me a book. My mom is depositing money in my account so I can buy clothes or spend the day visiting a museum. Hunter, the guy at work, is bringing me candy so I can indulge freely in my sweet tooth. Angie and Abagail want to take me out for lunch and to a movie. It sounds like it may be a busy day.

Who can believe that I am turning 23. Just a couple of days ago I was going over the my older songs on Itunes and reflecting back on my teenage years, where 23 looked a lot different then it does now. According to my music library, I was much cooler than I thought, besides the being a dork thing. I had Pete Yorn, The Strokes, Billy Idol, Mazzy Star, Billy Talent, Saves the Day, Danzig, Tori Amos, Joan Osborne, Tonic, and Nirvana in my collection. That's a pretty good mix for someone not out of high school yet. I think.

I'm not sad to be growing older, but I do miss (on some level) being younger. I do miss going to school and coming home to my mom and dinner. I miss wanting responsibilities but knowing that at 17 I didn't have any. I miss my room. I was into Spain when I was 17, and because of this I was convinced I had some Spanish blood in me. My room was decked out in an old world Spanish decor and I bought several cd's to accompany the mood. I miss driving and wanting to escape. I miss hating high school. I miss that stuff. Cause that's the one thing I can't grab back. That's the one thing that remains constant and yet so far removed from my life today.

I'll be 23 this Sunday, and I am not sure I am ready for it. I don't know what it has in store for me.

~Becks

Oh, and who knew that an album with Robert Plant and Alisson Krauss would not suck as bad as I thought. 'Polly Come Home' is by far my favorite song on the album. The album and song is not for everyone. But I like it,there is something raw and beautiful about it. It gives me chills.