A Nation of Fear

I have an admirer at work. He is a usual. Some one who comes in to the bookstore so much he minus well have a cot in the break room and make a home for himself there.

A couple of a months ago I was walking down the aisle when said admirer asked me for help. He was trying to find a history book (American Riffles) that he wanted to purchase for his friend. We didn't have the book in stock so I said I could order him a copy and it would come in the store in a few days. During this time we chatted about everything. He was sort of smitten with me because I spoke well and was eager to help him. I was curious about him because he liked history. Did I mention that he is older then my mom. I should have mentioned that. He is well in his 60's but looked pretty young for his age.

As we were talking he seemed convinced that I was this bright intelligent person. I don't know where he got that idea from. He kept complementing and telling me that if he was 40 years younger he would be the happiest man in the world having known me. And all the jazz. It was very flattering and after I completed his order we wished each other goodbye.

A few days later his book came in, and once again there was this weird flirtation thing. Mainly him complementing me and me trying not to get all embarrassed. When he left he talked about me to the guys in the music department. I know this only because they told me about it later on. He gushed about me. Said I was goddess (Swear.To.Bob) and that he wished he was young enough to date me. It was weird but nice and that day I got a prize from my managers because of my superb customer service! All in all he is a really nice guy. Maybe a little lovestruck but you need that every once in a while.

So after about a month (or two) he strolls into today out of the blue. They put me up at the cash register (which I hate) today and I was literally daydreaming when I heard someone call my name. When I looked up, it was him. The nice but slightly weird older guy. He said that he hadn't seen me in a while and that he was happy to run into me. Not use to this type of a attention I am sort of happy to see him too. Not because I have any interest in the old guy but it's nice having someone interested in you. Now, the old guy is weird on many levels. When I talked to him that first day he sort of was going on and on about the 60's. Apparently he was a hippie and times have changed since the peace and love generation. He wanted me to know this, because even though I am 23 he knew that I was an old soul and understood everything that he was talking about.

Then he started talking about his fears of the present day. Which wasn't totally unusual because well...it's been a rough couple of years. But when I saw him today and listened to him go on and on again about the economic crisis, global warming and as he put it 'the end of civilization as we know it' I started to think that maybe the guy who has a crush on me, the guy who is a very attractive older man (that I could and would never date) could be a little bit crazy. Or paranoid. Or a survivalist?!?!

I am leaning towards a survivalist because then he started talking about having to arm ourselves when it got too bad and civilization collapsed all together. I listened quietly, voiced some superficial concerns and became captivated by how he transferred his fear unto me. It was not just about him anymore but about me and how I would have to live through this shit because I am young and yadda yadda. It was weird, how paranoid and pessimistic he was about life and about the future. And if I was a gullible person I would have been like 'yeah. times are tough take me to your weird cabin in the woods where we will survive off of berries and crazy manifestos'.

But I'm not gullible. And I am not really into eating berries, so I just wished him and his survivalist self a good day. After this encounter I had a few more conversations with customers who were voicing their opinions on the state of the world. And I realized that we as a nation, as a society are guided by our fears. We live by them. There isn't a day that goes by where we aren't bombarded with news coverage on a new epidemic or economic crisis that threatens the way we live our lives. And though these are legit concerns I don't think we should be building bomb shelters yet or colonizing in the woods waiting for the big one to come.

I don't know. This irks me for some reason. That fear governs our perceptions. That we are a terrified nation or generation instead of a resilient one. I am reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis these days (totally finished Less Than Zero, now working on Rules of Attraction) and I often contemplate how to define the generation that I am apart of. And in a weird way, it's a generation defined by fear, terrified into inactivity, and just waiting for the rug to be pulled from under us.

I'd rather not live my life that way. It's just not for me.

Anyway. I emailed lenny today and put in my two week notice. I will have been there for almost 5 months and I feel like this is the right time for me to make my exit. I have done all that I can do and in a small way I appreciate my time there. But the end (not in the weird apocalyptic way) is coming. I mean I can feel it at my job and at my aunts house too. That I am transitioning into a new phase and slowing wishing this place goodbye. It doesn't feel so bad. It actually feels quite right. That there is this change coming, this window that is open only for a small period of time that will whisk me away to my new adventure. And if I don't step through it, if I don't utilize this opening now....then I will never have known my full potential.

Time for bed. I have a long day tomorrow. I need to take more pictures of the city. It's a beautiful place that I will miss.