Unsettled....

I'm nervous. Very nervous.

As I mentioned, my grad school shit is done. Last Saturday I mailed off everything to my Alma mater. It was last minute of course. The application was due April 15th (Wednesday) I finished my story around April 8th, and then spent a few days revising and being very particular about stuff.

Though I have been very apprehensive about grad school, and have told myself several times not to put all my eggs in one basket...in all honesty I need this plan to work out. I don't know what I would do with myself for another year. I obviously can't stay in New York ( working at the bookstore and living with my aunt) I don't want to live with my mom for a year in small town USA, but I don't know if I can find a well paying job to live on my own for a while in another state. At least in school, I will have two more years to strengthen my weaknesses, network, and make up for my slack undergraduate career. I also won't have to worry about loan payments or worse....budgeting to the max.

I should hear something back soon. Probably the beginning of may. They will mail my acceptance or rejection letter to my moms house and then....who knows.

I am very antsy because I know a change is coming. I just don't know where this change will take me. Sometimes I am completely confident. Even if I don't get into grad school I know I am smart enough, bright enough, and strong enough to try my hand at something else. But some days, like today, I am apprehensive. Unsettled. A huge mess. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I am brave enough to conquer the "real world" and I want to take a huge break from it all. I want to fold into myself and stay enclosed until I an strong enough to return. That could take days, weeks, or even months. Just to recuperate and try again.

I talked to my dad the other day. It's been 2 months. I did not even try to make up excuses as to why I hadn't called him in a while. I have been a very busy person. I can barely find the time to relax. But he didn't care about any of that. He wanted to know if I was okay. That not knowing is worse than anything. We talked for a while and I heard some of the same things over and over again. But at the part where he expresses that he wants only for me to be 'happy in life", he neglected to say that. Instead he said he wanted me to take as many risks as i can and to not let fear get in my way.

????

I think he might be a psychic. The real world sucks. I mean there is nothing glamorous about it. But at the same time, whether I go to grad school or not, I have to continue to make a life for myself. That is proving to be the hardest thing of all. I try to not think about it sometimes just so I can give myself a rest.

Anyway. Enough of that for now.

There has been quite a shake up a work. The Janitor was fired. Hours are being cut so drastically I feel a mutiny coming. Angie's last day is Thursday. Every one's super tense and attacking one another with verbal quips. When it's fun at work, it's fun. When it's not, we all feel it. Yesterday Lisa, someone I usually get along with well, was in a foul mood. She was jumping down every one's throat and taking offense to the stupidest thing. My boss was working at the computer I was standing near and said "Lisa is apparently not talking to me". I asked her why, and she said she didn't know but that she just felt like Lisa was mad at her.

My boss, the vegan from California who wears leather, is awesome. She is super nice and we all call her Sunshine because she is so happy, but not in that annoying way. So to see her upset was weird. And to see Lisa pissed was weird. So I said "I think Lisa's just in a bad mood" I mean sometimes people just don't feel like talking. Lisa was standing right near me as I said this comment and a couple of minutes later she came up to me and said 1) that i read depressing books (because I was going to buy the book 'We need to talk about Kevin) and 2) "Stop going around and telling people that I am in a bad mood. I feel FINE!"

I sort of just shrugged my shoulders as she walked away...clearly in a foul, bad mood. Whatever. I have to let them know, in May, that i leaving soon. I like my co-workers, and sometimes I like my job but I see how easy it is to get trapped there. Especially with some of the fears I have about the next few months. But fear at this point is like stagnation and I'd rather risk it all then settle for comfort.

Time to get ready for work. I am only clocking in 3 days this week. I need to get the F*ck out of this place.