I didn't get the job in Bridgeport.
I knew I wasn't going to but for some reason it still sort of hurt. Rejection has a way of doing that to you.
I am able to deal with disappointment on my own. I mean last year when I found out I wasn't going to grad school it was easy because I had the time to feel shitty about it and then move on from there. I am a person who internalizes everything (go figure!). I find it easier to put everything on my shoulder , hide in a corner when the stress becomes too much, and then emerge when I am ready.
This year it is a little different. My failures have been a little more public and it irks me. Yesterday I had three people waiting to hear about this Bridgeport thing. Three people waiting to tell me that 'the editor doesn't know what she's missing', 'things will pick up for you', 'I'm sorry to hear that, do you want to talk it out'. Three people to look like a complete loser in front of.
It may make no sense but I like to keep my failures to myself (well, you know what I mean) because to me failure is sort of embarrassing. I don't like people feeling sorry for me. And as a loner, I don't know how to accept shoulders to cry on.
So yesterday, before I knew that I didn't get the job, I kept getting nervous text messages and voice mails from my skittish support team. Angie with her "so did you hear anything . I'm so nervous for you. Let me know what she says the moment you hear something".
Marie wasn't as subtle: 'Did she call you', 'You need to call her if you don't hear anything soon', ' I would email her I mean she said she would contact you today and it's noon...'
The worst came from my mom. I know from experience that if you get a job, you will get a call from the employer. If you don't get a job you'll get an email. I have had my fair share of emails. Around 5 I checked my AOL account as as expected there was an email from the editor. I saw no reason to open it. I knew what it said. And I was content with it. The whole day I was okay with it , expect for when my support system kept making a deal out of it.
My mom called soon after I signed into AOL and of course she too wanted to know if I had heard anything. I told her that I received an email but there was no point in opening it. Emails only mean bad things. But she wouldn't let it drop. "Just open the email. What harm can it do. Come on. Open the email. Open the email and then call me back. Don't call me back until you open the email"
So I opened the email. Read the rejection letter and then cried. Not because I entirely wanted the job but because I didn't want to be rejected again.
When I called her back I was angry at her because she was wanted me to open the letter so bad. She couldn't just let me deal with rejection on my own. She wouldn't just let me wallow for a awhile just so I could pick myself up enough to convince everyone that I was okay.
The truth is...I am not okay. I make it seem like I have my shit together. That I am perfectly happy with Plans A, B, and C not working out. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I don't know how to make things better or how to not feel like a complete failure. And some days I don't like pretending that everyone else is missing out poor Beckett. That my life will pick up, that I will have a job and enough money to afford things other than food. And maybe this makes me a horrible person because in front of my family and friends I am much more comfortable pretending like I am okay so they don't have to worry. Because if I admitted the truth I would see that look in their eyes that I could never live down. The look of worry and concern that I don't really want to see because I feel it every day.
I have turned off my cell phone so I don't have to talk to anyone. I just feel like disappearing for a while. I don't want to exist in the real world. I'd rather just fade away.
3 comments:
oh yes, i have been where you are. that first year and a half after i finished college, i was low and sad and frustrated and continuously rejected, from even the lamest crap jobs.
and my god, did it ever suck. that feeling of disappointing other people. of trying to pretend like you're still chipper-cheerful. hearing over and over again how awesome you are. hearing over and over again how you just have to keep plugging away, when what you really want is to vanish, or possibly retreat to the womb and be re-born again, this time as someone who isn't a failure.
it does, and will, get better. incrementally. but i don't know when. i DO know that it is a long, brutal, slow slog before Life starts happening in a way that you can - well - live with.
the best i can tell you now is to try your best to not think of it as rejections. It IS, and I know it's impossible to not feel rejected, but i would like you to try your best to understand that it isn't personal. It's not that YOU are a failure. you keep getting shuffled through the deck, and you're waiting and waiting and waiting to be dealt the good hand -- and eventually, you WILL. i promise. it just takes a long time of shuffling, and disappointment.
get your suit of armor on, and try to find things - small, tiny things - that DO make you happy, to take the edge off the crappiness.
and remember: you did nothing wrong. you did nothing to "deserve" this. you've got some bad luck going on (not least timing: Now, in This Economy, is NOT a good time to be looking for a job). but no one (not even me!!) can have perpetual, constant, unrelenting, lifelong bad luck.
i am more than happy to listen and to commiserate, and i promise i will not say: "they're missing out on an awesome beckett."
well I couldn't have said it any better frogboots really got some good advice. And I'm still on board team beckett. Well see you in space.
Yeah, rejection sucks. And having people know about it sucks even harder. I once sent out literally 100 resumes and got 100 rejection letters...but at least I didn't have to hear people 'comforting' me about it! Kept the whole thing to myself ;-)
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