Who's That Girl...

Yesterday was an incredibly off day. Some days you wake up and you know that shit is going to hit the fan. You know that things will happen to you that makes you wish you decided to stay home or you called out sick for work. Recently I have been having a string of these off days. Nothing incredibly bad happens but I am filled with thoughts that make me very sour and displeased with my current situation.



When went home for 6 weeks I was frightened that I would return to New York and everything would be completely different. I was worried that some of the familiar faces at work would be replaced by new ones, I was concerned that I would have to rebuild relationships with old pals and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get back into the swing of things smoothly. Of course a lot of these things have happened. My favorite manager is leaving, a couple of new gals were hired, and I am readjusting to work again...but other than that everything else is the same. I have gotten over the new changes quickly, a lot quicker than I thought I would.



Instead of being overwhelmed by some of the little changes, I am more frustrated by the lack of them. I hate that I after a year here I am still the Bookstore girl, I hate that I still have to convince people that I am employable or that I would make a wicked awesome intern at that some faux newspaper organization. It's bananas! I know life is about continually learning, growing, developing yadda yadda yadda..but I feel like as of right now I have proven myself worthy of something and yet I continue to help dumb customers while being patronized for working retail.



After a year of working at the bookstore I am a face customers are use to seeing. People ask me for help by my first name now (which annoys me to no end) and people seek me out specifically for assistance. I am an old face at an old place and it is driving me crazy. Yes i know that this will not be my job forever, yes I know that I am a big fish in a small pond but I cannot help taking out my frustration on unsuspecting customers who think it is cute to mention how awesome it is that I work at a bookstore.



Yesterday was no different. I pulled in an early shift (from 9-5) and was annoyed by the fact that I was there. The customers annoyed me, the store itself annoyed me, and most all I was annoyed by myself because I am doing as much as I can to make things better and yet this is all I have to show for it. And suddenly as I was answering my favorite of bookstore questions (where is the nonfiction section) I realized what it was...I am the change I was afraid of. I left for 6 weeks, came back, and suddenly I realize that I have no desire to be in this same spot again.



I have outgrown my current situation and I am eager to move on. Very eager. So eager that I have become antsy and cranky with a pinch of sullen dissatisfaction. When you work in retail everyone looks at you as if this job is the highlight of your career. That you spend your every waking day at the store because you have nothing else going on. Or maybe this is what I think they think of me. I just hate when someone my age comes into the store wearing nice business attire and talking about their exhausting day at work and then I look down at my semi casual clothes and book in hand to only realize that I don't want to be doing this anymore.

I won't know about this internship until Wednesday but it doesn't mean I haven't been freaking out about it ever since the interview. Once again I am on the fringe of something big and my fate is the hands of someone else. I don't think I made a stellar impression last week. The guy who interviewed me is literally 3 years older than I am. Because of this I was a lot more casual during this interview than I usually am. I figured personality would be a huge benefit so I banked on being approachable and friendly. But when it came to answering some of the questions he asked, I fumbled around with them. For someone that young I wasn't expecting him to ask the 'where do you see yourself in 5-10 years" question. It's a text book interview question but for some reason I still find it hard to answer.

In all honesty in 10 years I just don't want to be that girl....that girl working at the bookstore, that girl sleeping on her aunt's couch, that girl trying to finish some novel she isn't sure people want to read. I want to be the girl who is doing something she loves, with the people she loves, in a world where my creativity and imagination can run loose. Be it ten years from now or one week from now. But people don't buy that as a good enough answer and now I just have to wait and hope it was good enough for him and his faux news.