Another Brick Wall

I am a dreamer.

I mean that in the literal and figurative way. I sleep a lot, which causes me to have very vivid and realistic dreams, and by nature I am a naive optimistic. It's because I live in my head. A lot. I have waking fantasies about my future and present that cause me to drift off into to another world sometimes. Marie explains it the best. I am a fish in the sea, and she sometimes has to reel me back in from going to far out into the depths of the ocean. I don't need to be on land, particularly, but just close enough to the shore so that I don't get caught up in the waves.

I follow my astrological sign sometimes. And though I know it's a complete pile of horse crap most of the time, I can't help but seeing the similarities between my sign (Pisces) and myself. A sign symbolized by illusions, secrets, but more importantly dreams. Which is why I cherish my dreams, not because they are unconscious representations of my life but because they are a unconscious representation of how I am. Of how I am struggling to become.

2 weeks ago I had a...interesting dream about McAbs. Okay, by interesting I mean we consummated our weird budship against a brick wall somewhere in westchester county. Thank god it was only a dream. But damn it all to hell I woke up in the morning feeling like the skankest skank of all. Let me explain. I know that I have a tendency of creating something out of nothing regarding guys. I did it with Art Boy, and the Older Guy a work, and let's be honest with most of my crushes. I have scaled back some in doing this, thanks to therapy and my increasing self confidence.

See the problem is, I feel like I don't deserve a normal nice guy. I feel like I have this big huge scarlet letter on my shoulder for Broken or Weird. Anxious and Unwanted. Scared and Vulnerable. Because of this, I know that when I put a guy I like on a pedestal I won't be able to disappoint him because I could never be the girl he wanted me to be anyway.



I'm still trying to overcome this. it's hard though. My experiences in High School and Middle School beat the hell out of my identity. I have spent the last ten years trying to rebuild it.


For some reason, being in New York has helped. I notice that I am not as awkward around people as I was once was and as a 23 year old that seems like a long time coming, especially when I can't help but want to create and sustain relationships that are both healthy and lovely. Especially when it comes to guys. I have tendency of falling for a particular 'type' of guy. Nerdy, Literate, Funny, and Shy. You'd think these would be the easiest guys to talk to. But No! I See a guy dressed like a indie nerd and I go running in the opposite direction.

McAbs is not like any crush I have ever had in recent years. He is nerdy but...popular/built/nice/charismatic and in complete control of himself. By that, I mean he is confident. We were talking about horoscopes one day when he told me that he was a Leo. This struck me as interesting because of my obsession with horoscopes from time to time. Leo, being the sign of the lion, is not the most compatible sign for Pisces, the fish...because cats dominate fishes. They don't mean too but you put a cat by a pond and their first instance is to dive right in and grab what's there's.

But, I am sort of attracted to his dominate personality. Very attracted to it. He doesn't second guess himself, like I do. He doesn't hide from his emotions, like I do. And he has little secrets, which I possess. He says what he wants, he does what he wants inside the confines of contained circle, and damn it all to hell he has muscles that ripple. Ripple I tell you. Where I am use to crushing on guys who I know I will try to take care of, he is someone who likes to take care of things. He is a guy who doesn't mind being the GUY and making the decisions. And there is something attractive about that. I think it's the one thing I am really attracted too (outside of the muscles).

So then I have this dream. I have contemplated writing it down because of its personal nature but here goes nothing....

In the dream McAbs is walking me home. It is past midnight. The street is isolated and dark, and it's cold outside. But there is nothing creepy about it. He makes me feel safe as we are leaving work, and playfully lean against like girls usually do. We are walking in New Rochelle, which is where I use to live when I was a kid. New Rochelle is the town that borders the Hudson river. Because of this it has a marina like quality to it, because you are surrounded by water on almost all sides. We are walking down curvy hill, past the hardwood store I sought refuge in during the blizzard of '96 and past the boat dock where the boats never really sail from.

Before we even get the end of the street, the sky opens up and it begins to rain. I hear a huge sound like thunder splitting the earth open and then rain pours down, so hard that it pounds against the payment like rocks. He grabs my hand and attempts to pull me into a run, to escape the weather and get inside the closest building. But I don't want to run. I like the way it feels. I tilt my head up towards the sky and let the drops hit every part of me. It is only then that he lets go of my hand, and when he does I kneel to the ground to take my shoes off so I can feel the the wet grass beneath my feet. My back is towards him, but I know that he is watching. I know that he thinks I am crazy for wanting to stay in the rain. That I don't care how soaked we are going to be when we get wherever we are going to go.

While kneeling, I turn my head to look up at him. He is smiling sort of. Amused mainly, and I ask him if he wants to join me. I extend my hand then, wanting to pull him down to where I have decided to let the rain hit me. But he pulls me up, so quickly that I sort of fall into him for a moment. I realize that it is time to go. And I push away from him playfully and he captures my hand again before we continue down the street. We head down past the dock where the boats never sail and I say something stupid, funny stupid, awkward stupid, but stupid nonetheless. And he stops. Right there as it is still raining, and if what have said has ruined the moment. But I decide to keep walking, but am only able to take a few steps before I realize that he has not planned on moving.

hmm...So I turn to him, and it's still raining and still very cold outside, and it's my turn to smile at him like "what are you doing now". But my smile starts to fade , when I realize his intent and I realize my impending and willing submission to his intent. And I don't feel like I am in danger. I am not scared or threatened because I know he's in control. And some how that makes me in control. And I let his hands and they are now lightly guiding back, against this brick wall that I have never seen before. And I know then, that our intentions for one another is suddenly going to become action, and I look away back up against the sky that is a mixture and grey and purple and I wonder who I am in that moment. Who I've become. But I don't resist. I don't resist any of it. The force of his body against mine or the moment just before we have lost control, just before I hesitate and cry. Because I know that we can't go back. And yet. And yet. We continue, and the rain hits us both. And I don't know who I am, because the as the rain comes down we become a blur and I can only sense myself dissolving under the weight of him. And then I wake up.

Damn waking up and your stupid waking life.

I think I know what the dream was about outside of sex. But it didn't make it any easier when I had to face McAbs the next day at work. I feel like it was about control and my wanting it to not be this pivotal block for me. It was about wanting to relinquish this 'brick wall' that I have constructed to protect myself and my feelings. And though McAbs was the leading man, it had more to do with me than I am willing to admit tonight.

This dream is a prelude to the piggy back ride and my subsequent falling out of lust with McAbs. But I'll have to save that for later. I have embarrassed myself enough for one night.