Takes Some Getting Use To.

Tomorrow I am suppose to get snowed in. Well, the whole northeast is. By the grace of my internship (the publishing one) I still have Tuesday and Thursdays off, which means I won't get trapped in the snow/rain/whatever mix is coming our way.

I've made no attempt to tell my managers differently, and they have not asked me about any changes in my schedule. I like knowing that on Tuesday and Thursdays I will not be at the bookstore, slaving away for minimum wage. That on those days I am more than just a name tag. A name tag that in all honesty probably isn't mine anyway ( someone asked me who my name was today, and I looked down at the name tag I had thrown on earlier in the day and said "Bradley")

And good thing I have tomorrow off because we are suppose to get hit hard by another winter storm, and I feel like I need a break from the world for awhile. I have literally spent over a grand this week on my computer, food, and birthday related things (for my mom). I haven't felt comfortable spending all this money. Hours are being slashed at work, I now have this lovely thing called rent to pay for, and yeah the pains of getting older are starting to smack me over the head. Spending that much money has just made everything else feel like crap.

I admit that I am not a huge fan of change. I like things to stay the way they are. And once I am comfortable with one thing I rarely deviate from that. I believe in the whole "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mantra. I like my things the way they are, even if they are hanging off the hinges, falling apart in my hands, or worse.

But this has been a crazy couple of months for me. My life has changed in more ways than I am use to. I moved out of my moms, out of my aunts (kicked out, but whatever), back to new york, into my own place, got a crappy job, got a new computer....you get the picture. And I just seemed to realize (today) how different my life is from what it has been, and not because of any life changing realization but because.....

My brother bought me the sims 3. By bought I mean I suggested, over the phone, that an awesome birthday present from him would be the Sims 3. I mean I have this new computer and all, and though I love the Sims 2, it pretty much ate my last computers memory. He deposited the money in my account yesterday and hours later.... I am so confused by the game.

Yeah, the graphics are better, the game is much faster, and the people look 'more real' but it is taking some getting use to. I immediately wanted to revert to the Sims 2. Like where the hell is my fake cartoonish looking people, with their nice dream houses and yadda yadda. This game is too real for me. I don't want to be able to access my neighbors house. I don't want to follow my sims to work, I want it the way it use to be (the realization part). I want to be playing my marginally slow Sims 2, in my dorm room in South Carolina, dreaming of art boy and his artness. I want to be curled up in my twin size bed, listing to the comings and goings of 20 something year old students too drunk and too loud, while I put my sims to work. I don't want this. Why can't I go back to when my life-i mean the sims-were easier. I said this in my mind as I shut the game off because of it's newness. I'm not ready for all that new, I not ready for all this new.

Is it sad that I am comparing my current resistance to change to a Sims game. Maybe, but it's all to overwhelming. Being 24 soon, not being 23, or 22, or even 21. I have moments where I just want to be that girl again. Is that so wrong. I am starting to think that life is just about getting adjusted to change. Yeah you have the living part, yeah you have the nonliving part, but mainly you spend your whole life just trying to get use to things. And sometimes I feel like that is the only part of life I am living.

But, tomorrow will be different. I can spend the day trying to put together the pieces of my ever changing life. I plan on sleeping in really late, eating really unhealthy frozen food, and dancing. I have about 7 books I also want to read, and maybe the snow outside will inspire me to put a dent in some of them. I may play the sims, get over this fear of it's newness. I'll be 24 soon, a part of me (even if it's just my age ) will be new, and some days I look forward to that when I am not dreading it.