Intimate Transaction?

I've been invited to another job related party this weekend. My stomach is queasy.



Josh came up to me that other night and said "so, my parents are going away for a week and I'm having a house party. You should come even though I know that you won't but I wanted to ask anyway". It was a sincere attempt to invite me to one of his parties for the nth time this year.



I go back and forth between going and not going. All of my reasons for attending involve being able to relax with my co-workers outside of work. When we aren't complaining about work, we generally like each other. The store manager once told me that our store was not like others, because the employee dynamic is different. It's friendlier. And though I hate my retail job with a passion, I must admit we have an awesome crew. The store has an intimate feeling despite the size of it, and I can name on one hand the people I don't like working with (New Manager. You suck!)



But, I am still sort of antsy. People exhaust the hell out of me, despite how social I appear to be, and parties are a hub of anxiety for me. A hub, even though I like Josh and everyone I work with. We are a bunch of nerds who work in retail who admit our nerd like tendencies, whenever possible.

I mean when we closed the store last night Graphic Novel Artist, Josh and I spent the hour geeking out about movies and books. Graphic Novel guy is amazing. He is crush worthy in every way possible except that he has a wife that he loves and respects. For that reason I can't help but love and respect him.

We get along so well it's scary and we are trying to figure out if we are related in some way. But we have yet to discover any lost connection. Anyway, he told me that he was going to Josh's party just to get out of the house and if I was going. Well, what he actually said was "you seen like a social person. So you're going right?"

Me? Social? Really? I think I'm selectively social. There are some people (him, Angie, Cello Girl) who I connect with instantly. I never second guessed hanging out with them. Our friendships were organic and just felt right. But for the other 95% of the people I interact with it is work, hard work which involves me trying to work my way around my destructive internal dialogue.

I am able, and sometimes willing, to give a good chunk of myself to people that I trust. I open up and I guess I am a social and lively person but doing that is exhausting because people are needy. Not maliciously of course, but just out of habit or worse, human nature.

I mean the other day McAbs ( I know, it's been a while since I mentioned that name) was in a terrible mood. He was stoic and look detached. Months ago I would have sincerely cared, but because I have a million and one things going on in my head I just wasn't in the mood to ask him how he was feeling in regards to my own state. After a couple of hours though, I went over to him and asked if he was all right just out of curiosity.

But he replied curtly "why does it matter? You couldn't fix it anyway". I paused for a moment, and thought of all the things I could say back (some nasty, some sad)but he had a point. I really didn't care what was bothering him, and I couldn't fix it even if I wanted to.

The times that I have asked him what's wrong, he (along with a number of other people) unloads his whole life story on me, as if I am a journal. As if I've secretly said "tell me everything, I can help you". And though I generally care about people, some times to the point where I sacrifice elements of myself, adapting to their personal needs for understanding, love, acceptance, fulfillment often clashes with my own attempt to embrace my own understanding of those thing.

I've discovered that my needs are simple and pure. My definitions of love, acceptance and fulfillment are unique to who I am and when those ideals intersect and corresponds with people, my connections with them are amazing and easy.

When they don't I am a depleted exhausted mess. This makes working in customer service difficult because people associate my kindness for general interest. Yesterday some customer was appalled (appalled) that I didn't tell him to have a good day after a transaction. I was distracted by Graphic Novel guy who came to retrieve something from the cash register. We immediately engaged in small talk in the 1.5 minute it took me to ring the customer up. The customer is a Regular who comes in every day, spends a good 4 hours in the store and then buys something small like a bookmark. He's ultra weird, wears socks with sandals and bothers us relentlessly.

He sort of lingered around after I gave him his change, but by then I was ringing someone else up and telling Graphic Novel Guy that I would visit him in the music department when I got a chance. A few minutes later when the line had died down, the Regular approached the counter again. He tells me, quietly, that it would make him feel better (yes, better) if I thanked him for his visit to our store because he never got a 'thank you' or 'have a nice day' after I gave him his change. No lie.

Outside of this guy being weird, I was sort of offended that he took offense to my...inconsideration. I know that cashier etiquette calls for feigning interest in people (and in the last 24 hours when I've explained this interaction I am told that I was in the wrong) to complete their experience at the store, but some days fake sincerity is worse than death. Especially to people I don't know, and who don't know me outside of the girl with the name tag.

Like a prostitute I incredulously thanked him for his business (because who the hell comes back) to which he replied 'thank you. I just wanted a more intimate transaction and you were distracted last time".

Intimate Transaction? Is that the bane of our existence, to achieve intimate transactions with people. Maybe it is, but excuse me for being selective towards those I wanted to intimately transact with and those that I don't want to.

The point is, because there is one somewhere, is that a source of my anxiety revolves around this belief that I can not adequately measure up to people's expectations or needs. I mean hell, customers are just customers and despite what he said or what anyone of them say, I am never inclined to be someone else in lieu of good customer service. And maybe I was a little dismissive, as a person he doesn't know all too well I don't see the point (anymore) of acting like intimate friend. I'm sorry but I ain't doing it.

But where I do struggle is in my attempts to balance getting to connecting to those who want to be my friend and vice versa. Who want me to be slightly available in order to connect and be social with.

So I might go. I want to want to go because these are people that I like and I hate turning down their invites so that I can stay home and watch various marathons on TV. But going involves silencing the insane and irrational thoughts I have pertaining my presence there. Where I struggle to understand fully the extent of my needs and others for fulfilling and sincere intimate transactions?

Ugh, that's just a weird ugly phrase, no matter how sweet I try to make it sound.