Humidity Wave.

It's hot. Really hot. And I want to complain to the sun or the humidity or both to let up on the heat for a while. Seriously. I am melting here.

I know. I know. I lived in the south for ten years. But you know what the south has that new york doesn't....central AC. And it's amazing! In my book there are few things that I like about south carolina more than New York. But Central Air and Heat keeps the Carolina's near and dear to my heart. Who needs to go outside when you have cool air coming through the vents. Some days looking outside made me feel all sweaty, but thanks to AC, I would sit in my house and not feel it at all.

How I miss that. The last couple of days have been miserable. Like a bat out of hell, May charged in and pushed April out of the way. It brought along with it an unusual warm front. Ever since Saturday we have been drowning in very humid weather. I can't sleep at night, I am being eaten alive by mosquito's and despite wanting to stay inside it's a little cooler outside.

I've never wanted a thunderstorm more. Or just a random cold front to happen. I may be the only person who despises this weather, but if you saw the huge (huge!) bite mark on my arm and middle finger you'd agree.

In all honesty though, I can't believe May is already here. Come August I will have been out of college for 2 years. And come September the same will be true of my time living in New York. I had a crazy dream last night about work, McAbs, Marie, my brother and mom, Lenny and Simon. And I can't help but parallel it to my post grad life.

I can't fully comprehend the last two years of my life. It's not so much that they have flown by but where I have made real strides (figuring out what I want to do, meeting Angie) I've faced setbacks that are equivalent (job search anybody.living with and then being kicked out of my aunts house). There are days when I just want to pack up and go home. Not having to pay rent would be awesome and lounging in my mom's house with AC is a perk.

I feel at odds with my life. I feel tension arising from all fronts of my emotional and physical state. The summer before I graduated I attended two summer sessions at school. The summers in Columbia were brutal because we are surrounded by concrete and steel. Being in the middle of the state does not help, and are lack of a 'real' river called for some horrible summer days.

One day we had an epic thunderstorm. From my window, I could see these ominous looking clouds from outside. Then all of a sudden the power went out. It was so quiet and so dark that I was actually pretty freaked out. Everyone emerged from their dorms to ask what was going on, but then before you knew it we all went back into our little holes.

I had nothing to do, so I remember tentatively writing a story about the storm and the blackout. And how in the that hour or so that I had to sit alone with myself. And it was this very stifling feeling. The heat creates this tension that envelopes you. I mean your skin perspires, your head hurts, my body gets really tense but then on this emotional level I was forced to deal with my own tensions about graduating and changing my major. I found some parallel between the heat and my own tensions. All of this because of the storm and the heat and the subsequent blackout that lasted for two hours.

And I realize that when it gets hot. I don't want to do anything outside of laying really still and letting the sun do what it will to me. But because it's physically immobilizing, all I can do is think rampant thoughts about my life. About staying in New York, not staying here, or going home where the AC always run.

But anytime I get that feeling I have to push it aside. Because I know that I would not be happy there. My mom knows this too. But I can't help but feel a little unhappy here also. 2 years into the real world and I don't have a grasp of what I am doing or what to do to make things better. And now May is all of a sudden here, and it's hot and I'm sweaty and I'm still a little dissatisfied about life and what to do about it.