I've been taking the BBC America thing well.
Ok. I'm lying. Almost a week later, it still fucking sucks that I didn't get the job. I am watching Dr. Who On Demand right now as I type, and I cannot help feeling extremely pissed that I am not preparing for my first real world job after my first real world job interview.
I don't believe the interview was horrible. I was sort of prepared, kind of charming and I wore a really cute and professional outfit. I could have related my skills more to the position itself rather than making generalities about my awesomeness. You live and you learn.
The fact that I got an interview at all at BBC America for a position I didn't know even know existed, gives me some hope though. Whose to say that if the BBC didn't find my resume a good enough for their company that other networks won't. I mean other networks will not be BBC America of course but all I have these days is optimism and a growing obsession with Matt Smith and the UK.
Since then I have been managing. I still have to get up in the morning and continue with my life, despite how sucky it has been this month. Especially regarding work.
When I say I am dissatisfied with my job at the bookstore, I mean it with every fiber of my body. Even my favorite manager along with my co-workers are experiencing their own 'I hate my life' mood. The honeymoon period is officially over. We are no longer head over heels in love with working together at the store. We don't despise each other by any means. But you know when you've been around someone for too long in the close confines of say a house or a bookstore that the things you love about them can become...annoying, just because. Well that's what happening at the store.
Case in point, I closed last night and it was brutal. No one said much of anything all night and you could sense that we all had things on our minds that had nothing to do with work. There was a weird stillness in the air and despite trying to be an upbeat person I wasn't even in the mood to brighten the day. I too was consumed with my own thoughts and couldn't find the drive to muster happiness for someone else. When we finally closed we collectively ignored each other, cleaned up the store and then parted ways. It was the most bizarre closing ever.
And for some reason it's as if the customers know we all hate our jobs because they have been pulling out the extra crazy lately, as if our internal distressed monologues aren't enough for us to handle. Today the insane Ann Coulter-isque lady decided to grace us with her Obama bashing sentiments. She is a regular at the store. A regular pain-in-the ass woman who only comes in to ask for really right winged books and then rant about America turning into a communist nation. I helped her once, and she got mad at me because a book she wanted wasn't in stock. She accused me, yes I, of being apart of a liberal agenda to rid the store of Conservative books. I immediately got a manager and went on my way.
Today she tried that crap with Virginia, a really elegant retired teacher who works there part time. Virginia wasn't having it and the two started screaming at each other in the store. I watched from afar, afraid/confused/intrigued as Virginia called the lady crazy and the lady shoved a Conservative book at her. When it almost came to blows (I said Virginia was elegant, I might have forgotten feisty and yes, they were pretty close to hair pulling) I called a manager. It was too much for me to watch.
I on the other hand had to deal with the survivalist guy (who thinks we should start preparing for a return to hunter-gathering time) who came in the other day and wanted to talk about this girl who broke his heart. This guy is harmless, he is literally just looking for someone to talk to. And apparently that person is me. For the past year he has come to me to talk about this girl he dated who messed him up....for life. To make a long story short: They work together, they started dating, he payed all her bills, she used him, they broke up, now she is dating another co-worker.
He thinks that she may have a psychological disorder, and every other week he is buying psychology books trying to understand how she could do harm him emotionally. During one of these 'sessions' where he asked for me specifically to help him I mentioned that I suffered from anxiety. I don't know why I did this. He kept talking about disorders as if they made people bad and all I could think was 'hey I have anxiety and I'm not a bad person'. Or maybe I thought telling him would let him know that people are perfect. So yeah, I have a smile on my face at work but it doesn't mean that things are eating me up inside. That I am 100% ok. I just needed him to know that for some reason, so he wouldn't get attached to me as the 'really sweet innocent no problem girl at the bookstore'.
But yesterday, while I was at the cash register covering someones break he stopped in to say hey. He immediately started talking about the girl who broke his heart again and I daydreamed about being taken away by Matt Smith. Then he said "i still can't believe you have anxiety. you hide it well. can you explain what it feels like'. I just sort of shrugged my shoulders and was like 'it's sort of personal i guess"
But he went on to relate my social anxiety to his crazy ex-girlfriends inability to accept love from him. And in a way attempting to tell me that my anxiety can hurt other people. That it can isolate me from those who just want to...I don't know, love me? It was freaking bizarre. One, because this guy himself is suffering some issue that only Freud can deal with but 2), but because I never associated my anxiety as a danger to other people . And even though he is a loony bird it got me thinking, has my anxiety hurt other people?
I mean not in a malicious way. Anxiety is not a deadly rambo-isque friend who I introduce when times get rough, but I couldn't help but think of the people I have isolated because of it. People I've cared/care about who inadvertently have had to deal with my anxiety as much as me. And though the guy who made that point is CRAZY, it was a valid general point. A point I am still struggling to understand and must write about tomorrow. But I didn't need some stranger making that claim. Not at all.
Anyway
I have to get out of the bookstore, I have to get out of this life and I know it must be incredibly boring to read me writing this over and over again, but it even worse having to live it. I've applied to some more jobs and am crossing my fingers that I hear something back. I can only do 3 more months of this before I completely have a breakdown of sorts. I am running out of things to try, and my spirit is faltering. A little.
Tomorrow I have a day off (thank god) and I plan on doing something semi-relaxing. That's the plan at least.
2 comments:
okay: crazy guy is crazy, and his comments re: you and anxiety are totally invalid.
Your anxiety, and how you deal with it, may AFFECT other people, but the chances that you're really hurting other people are very, very slim-to-none. I bet this dude has not considered that the problem in his relationships might be HIM - that his exes mental health might not be relevant at all. he sounds like an extremely sketchy character, and - i know you're smart enough to know this but i have to say it - I would advise you to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM as much as possible. people who go reading psychology books and diagnosing ex-girlfriends are the kind of people who can easily end up as stalkers or worse.
i am really solidly believing that, once you reach the interview stage of job applications, it's almost totally a crapshoot. They've sort of told us that, about getting hired for professor jobs - if you reach the point of being interviewed, you've succeeded. from then on out, it's almost the equivalent of throwing dice. NOT being the one offered the job doesn't necessarily reflect on your ability or worth. It could be that whoever got hired went to the same college as someone on the hiring committee. Or wore their favorite color to the interview. Or they had just hired a person with your name and so they wanted another name. whatever. Obviously, you can bomb an interview, but it doesn't sound like YOU did; so i think luck and chance are huge factors here.
which doesn't really help, but may make you feel better about yourself.
once again, i wish i had some magic that i could do to hook you up with an awesome, awesome job.
Yeah, he's a nutbag! I mean as soon as he said MY anxiety hurt people, I knew that he was totally full of shit.
I guess, I recognize now how anxiety has affected my relationship with people but it's never damaged them. Especially because I internalize everything so the people around me aren't affected. So I might bail on dinner dates and hanging out but that's a far cry from harming someones feelings.
I usually duck when I see him, but he caught me the other day to expell his extra dose of crazy.
And I too wish you had some magic. I would wish for a nice job in the UK!
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