When it Rains, It Pours....

The clouds are constipated. It wants to rain so bad, I can tell but alas there is nothing.



It's been too hot these last few days. I can't even really say it's the heat because it's the humidity that is killing it for me. I went to bed last night a hot mess, only to wake up a hot and sweaty mess. Let's just say I am counting down the days until Fall.



The weatherman is reporting a thunderstorm later on tonight, and if the clouds are any indication of the next few hours, then he is spot on. But I still don't see any raindrops, and it is still humid as hell and despite having a day off I spent much of it patiently awaiting this thunderstorm.



The rain helps me think. I find grey clouds comforting. And though thunderstorms include the ever crashing sound of thunder, there is a silence in it that I cannot express. And I am hoping that this thunderstorm will bring with it a cold front, because man my body cannot take it. To curb the heat issue I have been taking epic naps in order to relieve some of the tension in my body. Yeah, the naps mess with my sleep later on in the evening but naps are a luxury I cannot give up.



I find myself dreaming about college a lot. They aren't those "could have, should have, would have ones' like I had...well in college. I have these literal dreams of my time there, specifically of the various English classes I took during my four year stint. Today I dreamed of the European Lit class I took my junior year, with the NotSoHawt but relatively nice Professor. I didn't say too much in his class, but he took notice of me because I would write him emails concerning his lectures. He read one of my emails out to the class and begged me to speak more during class time instead of using an email format.



Anyway, right before my birthday he told me (or more appropriately wrote on an email I had sent him) that I " have a real future in this field: You ask great and imaginative questions". I don't know why this moment (and comment) has been so pivotal to me. Or why I dreamt about it this afternoon. But I was in that room during my nap taking a test I thought I was going to fail, feeling insignificant and small until he called my name and in a way said I was special and important.


There are days when I miss feeling like a person with potential. I mean I know I possess it, but I miss the reinforcement. I miss having someone ( a teacher, a therapist, a friend) to remind me of it. It's the main thing I miss about being in school, that I had this support system of people not only telling me that I was okay but reminding me that I have potential, that I am special.

When I was in grade school I use to have this fantasy that involved me sitting in a full classroom of my peers and having some hot stranger come to the door and ask to see me. I use to see this happen all the time. We'd be in the middle of another Christopher Columbus lecture and there would be a knock at the door. The teacher would look pissed because of the interruption but we were all excited to see who it could be. And then like some vision, some fairly attractive man or woman was there, asking if they could speak with so and so for a moment. So and So would get up from his or her desk and exit from the room like we were filming a scene from a movie where the protagonist is rescued or taken away.

And I always hated that no one ever came to my class to interrupt the teacher to ask for me. I always wanted to be the So and So to get up from my seat, surprised as my classmates were, that I of all people was important enough to warrant a visitor. I dreamt of this fantasy in middle school then high school all the way to college to now. I mean even now when I'm at the bookstore I catch myself wanting to be acknowledge in that same way. For someone to pop up and ask for my name (in a non creepy and annoying customer way) because of my importance and significance to them. Because I am special and unique and full of potential.

Wishful thinking I guess, after all these years. I have work 9-5 tomorrow and i am not feeling getting up to go to work. They are now in the process of hiring some more people to work at the store and I am apprehensive and nervous. New people, new dynamic another indication that I have been there forever.

My drive to write has been an up and down thing. I go from sheer excitement to 'whatever' most days and can't get outside of my head long enough to put anything of significance on paper. It's frustrating and exhausting and I've never felt more like an crazy writer than now. Since the BBC thing I have taken a mental and emotionally break. I haven't wanted to do anything serious, including writing, just for a week. I've just wanted to spend my days waiting for this damn thunderstorm to come and have dreams of once being a person with potential.