The Replacement.

Ever since I was a kid I've been terrified by the idea of being replaced.

A few days ago I was talking to my mom about my brother. Well, it was more like she was complaining to me over the phone about my brothers laziness. My mom has been watching a lot of BBC America ever since I told her about my plans for next year. She is also getting a passport this fall and has told me repeatedly that she is super excited about my UK thing. She wouldn't mind leaving South Carolina for a while to visit me overseas.

But sometimes, this is where she started complaining, she feels like my brother is holding her back. That she always accountable for him one way or the other. She 'wants to be able to leave her house without having to worry that Morgan will mess things up while she's gone".

In my mind, I've always been concerned that my mom would one day pack up and leave us.... without telling anyone. And when she made that comment, my stomach felt weird because when I was a kid that was my greatest worry. Though I've disagreed with my mom on numerous occasions she is your 'moms mom' and in actuality she never even hinted of wanting to replace us or leave us . She is your classic 'slightly overprotective, all encompassing 'puts her kids first sort of person. But knowing this has never squashed my fears of abandonment because we were not always the best kids in the whole entire world. And when my mom started dating James, who had two kids already, this fear was suffocating

I'd freak out if she didn't come home around the time she was suppose to. I'd convince myself that today was the day, she finally upgraded to a better family. I use to have dreams that found a new family who resembled us in every way, except that they were 'better'. In my dreams she always upgraded to a family with a son and a daughter, who were beautiful well behaved but not overly complicated kids. Those kids never fought over toys or pretended to be mad scientist. Those kids never roller bladed in the house or complained about lame Christmas presents.

Those kids and that new family, were just right. And who would settle for sub par when you can have 'just right'

And these fears of being replaced had everything to do with my own feelings of inadequacy. Why would see want us, when she could have someone else. Because a replacement is always an upgrade. No one is ever like 'you know what I feel like having a slighter poorer version of what I've got now'.

Though I have resolved that part of my life in regards to my mother, I still worry everyday that the people I know, the job that I have, the job that I want will seek a better version of me. That in some way, I am always a person away from being replaced by a more competent 'model'.

There are some uber big changes in store, especially in the job front. The store manager of the bookstore is leaving (fired, booted, who knows?) today. After telling us last Friday of her 'decision' to leave, her last day is here. People are generally concerned and sad about this. 1) because she allowed the kind of 'hang out amongst friend' atmosphere that we are all kind of use to and 2) because no one knows who is going to replace her. This person could be a tyrant or a stickler for rules. I mean you never know.

With the store manager leaving the rest of the managers are trying to prepare us for the new changes bound to come. What is also very interesting, is that the store layout is actually changing too. Just the other day sections were ripped out and then redistributed elsewhere and I felt so lost in the store. Like I'd never been there before. And now everything is sort of shifting and changing that it's all too much to handle.

We've got a bunch of new faces, who are there to fill in the holes. The other day I was told to train a new girl because she would be my 'replacement' in the kids department. I sort of wanted to protest this. Though I don't like being in the kids department all day (it can get really boring back there) I refuse to train my replacement. Refuse.

But where I worry about being replaced, I am also trying to accept the benefit of change. I can't be at the bookstore forever, I can't live in new york making minimum wage forever. The things that I love about living here, cannot make up for the things that frustrate the hell out of me, and stagnation is unbearable.

Everyone, including me, is so worried about changes which will affect the store that we (me) are losing sight of the big picture. I especially am sort of neglecting to accept the changes I want to make for myself. My wants and needs from two years ago are mere shadows compared to what they are now. And I am sort of ready to upgrade, not because I hate the older version but because I've done all I can with it.

People are not easily replaceable, and perhaps I've gotten that aspect wrong. In believing that my mom would up and run away from us, I believed that she would do so only to find a version of myself I never believed I could be. But I am sort of confronting my fears of being 'replaced', by imagining a better version of me through me.

It's what adults realize all the time. That there comes a time when the person you are could only happen from the slight variations of the person you were. Getting older is weird and not easy. I happen to be the same 19 year old college sophomore that started this journal five years ago except for the improvements that I can only attribute to growing pains. Like all the angst, and misery and self loathing have been replaced by...something else.

When I think of it this way, change doesn't seem so scary. It doesn't mean that being replaced doesn't scare the shit out of me anymore, because it does. But as I am seeking to replace my current situation with something 'better' I can't help but understand the benefits of my old foe 'change'.