Answer to Yourself.

Heats back.

Last night was the worst. I came down with some weird sore throat thing along with an irritated ear a few days ago. And of course the 90 something degrees weather (the humidity making it feel like 95) did not help.

I don't do well in the heat. And for some reason the promise of rain did not come yesterday. It remained a hot sticky day, much of which I spent in bed praying for someone to turn the earthly temp down.

When that didn't happen, i passed out around 3am from what I can only described as stomach cramps and muscles contractions. It was horrible.

Today is promising to be another scorcher. I'm a tad bit dehydrated but I've stocked up on water and Gatorade, I'm hoping that helps. I think my sore throat has everything to do with the heat and am waiting for it to relieve itself.

I have a slow work schedule this week. Three closing shifts and four days to myself. My first two are winding down but it has been a much needed break from work.

Going back to the bookstore on Saturday was weird. When I was younger my first memory of anxiety revolves around embarrassing mistakes made at school. Like the time I got detention for stuffing two tennis balls down my blouse (i was in the fourth grade). We had a substitute teacher that day, and for some reason our normally well behaved class was a nightmare. The minute she saw me stuff my shirt she started jotting my name down.

What she didn't know was that our class was weeks away from performing a play in which I played your classically unappealing witch. We discussed padding my jeans and stomach to make the character round, I added the tennis ball at the last moment because I thought she should have saggy boobs.

By the end of the day half the class had detention, including me the 'golden student' because of my saggy boobs skit. That whole night I was terribly nervous and nauseous about showing up to school to face my teachers disappointment in our behavior. All I could think about was what it was going to be like to head into school the next day. I expected stares, and glares and a few pitiful bowed heads when I walked into the building. I expected to see Ms. Mooney disappointed in all of us, including me. And it was just like that when I showed up to class. And when she read the detention list, everyone gasped when my name was called . It was mortifying

Every since then, the 'day after' is terrifying. And the day after I cried at work, was bound to be awkward. Not only was Friday a disaster but getting super emotional at work is uncharacteristic for me. Despite being this rather 'sensitive' person, I hate being emotional in front of other people. It's the reason I tend to me a loner. I'd rather wallow alone with my thoughts, than bring someone else into it.

And that's sort of the problem. I keep forgetting that it's okay to let people into my head every once in a while. It's alright to admit, sometimes, that I'm a human being with shit days. It was funny, because after I got all chocked up in front of Her she said 'I always thought you were like that robot from that show Small Wonders. Because you are always so upbeat and happy, I forget sometimes that you are like this real person outside of work'

And it's true. I close people off from me when it comes to any real sort of emotion and it makes getting to know the 'real' me very difficult. And though I never approve of crying at work, I couldn't help it when she reached out to me and said 'i don't really have any friends, but we can be a lonely party of two whenever you feel like it'.

Of course I won't see her until Wednesday, and it will be an awkward 'hey how are you' greeting but sometimes it feels good not having to pretend everything is a-OK in my life. Because some days it sucks hard.

Though she wasn't there this weekend, I had to face Matt (guy who got in a parking lot brawl) and McAbs who both kept watching me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces. Matt tentatively came up to me and asked if I was okay. When I responded with an elongated "yes" he said 'Oh, because you weren't feeling too well on Friday, I just wanted to make sure you were...you know..okay". Then he spent the rest of the night being overly nice and concerned about my well being.

McAbs on the other hand offered me a kitten. Another one. Remind me never to have another bad day at work again.

Until, Wednesday I have a few good hours left of my day off. I finished Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon and I've just started "Bastard Out of Carolina". I wanted to read something really southern to go along with the southern-like temperatures.

Can't go wrong with a good reading day.