Mobile

There was a time when I use to listen to Avril Lavigne. Sue me. I was a junior in high school, musicality is very subjective at that age.

I mean I never donned the tie, and she was far from representing punk music but 'Complicated' was our high school anthem. Sure it was no Teen Spirit, but then again who can ever measure up to that song and Kurt Cobain? At that time, when everything seemed to suck: school, family, life I found solace in Avril Lavigne. Her tunes were catchy and some of her lyrics were pages from my 16 year old journal.

I never asked my mom for anything at 16. My brother was at the apex of his rebellion stage and some days I felt guilty for even the smallest requests. But I really wanted this album, like seriously, and was relieved when she said yes. I listened to this album religiously in my room, before the Avril started getting on my nerves, and songs like 'Nobody's Fool', 'My World' and "Anything But Ordinary' were staple indulges.

But the bees knees of tracks on Let Go, for me anyway, was 'Mobile'. I screamed, along with her, 'Everything's changing/When I turn around/I'm out of my control/I'm a mobile/Everything's changing/Out of what I know/Everywhere I go/I'm a mobile'. Even today this is the only song from her that album that I own and I caught myself this morning jumping around the room singing this tune when it started playing on my Ipod.

More than ever, I feel like everything around me is changing. I want to punch 16 year old me in the face for ever thinking that my problems at the time were difficult. And if any 16 year old is reading this ( hey what's up!) be happy that your only concern in life right now is getting a driver's license, having a crush on a boy you can't have or a teacher who is too old, and feeling that your friends don't understand you. That's a walk in the park compared to this quarter life crisis bullshit.

I feel so aimless. I am standing at point A and I can see point B, but I have no idea how to get there. I don't even know how to ask for directions to that point. So instead I am freaking stuck at point A, teetering about wondering when I will finally connect the dots. And it doesn't help that I a getting older which just makes me feel like I should have my life figured out. But I don't, I'm not even close to that.

The bookstore has hired five new fresh faced employees, making me realize that yes indeed I have been there 2 years. Holy crap, where did those two year go? Why am I still there? Why have I not moved on? Two of these newbies started working there 3 week ago, but yesterday I walked into work in a sour mood and saw three new bodies striding out of the break room. I ran to customer service and frantically asked 'who the hell are those people'.

No one answered my question, they were too busy telling me about something else. So I repeated my concern again. For some reason I thought we were giving a store tour and that's why these people wearing name tags and walking with the store manager. But then it occurred to me that these in fact were new people. Like I once was. Then someone said 'calmly': Oh that's just the new people. I just met them, they seem nice.

Nice, maybe? But you can tell when you have worked in a place for too long because all of sudden I was struck by how many new faces I have seen come and go. I was actually told this by someone when I first started working there. That you see so many people come and go, it's a part of the job. And yet I am still there. Why is that? It's perplexing but even worse it's painful.

I live in a place where change happens all the time. Buildings are constantly being built. People come here to reinvent themselves (maybe that is why I did). Fads come and go, people come and go, and yet I....

It doesn't mean that I am not trying to initiate change. My latest attempt in 'having a life' is in trying to locate production traineeship programs in the UK. I am interested in international television, along with travel and am attempting to combine my need for a both a physical and opportunist change. I thought of this idea at work this weekend (the internal conversation went something like this: I like the UK, eventually I want to work in broadcast media for a UK based company, hey....) and my research skills have prevailed in this new venture. There are indeed programs for entry level candidates in the UK in broadcast media. I am not sure if they are targeted only for UK residents, but the programs run a year or more. As of yet I do not have an legal authorization to work overseas. But I am getting a passport in July and plan on applying to some of these programs in hope that I will be an amazing candidate.

This too is a tentative plan. I have not covered the realistic aspects of this idea, which I often encounter later in the process. But it is something that I want to do. It's an alternative to going to grad school which I just cannot afford. It is a radical, drastic risk I am willing to try in order for things to be different. In order for there to be a change in my life.

Because right now I feel like that center piece from which everything is rotating and evolving. I am just observing it with my big old doe eyes hoping that I too will be apart of the process. Eventually.