Honestly Ok

Tonight was dreadful.

My anxiety flares up at the most awful times. As if to remind me that I am not alright. As if to point out to everyone I know that there is a weird socially awkward girl amongst them.

I find myself making leaps and bounds on the anxiety front. I no longer duck and hide to avoid interactions with people. I am much more open about being a little antsy, and in a way being able to talk to people about it makes me feel...better.

And hey, there was no way that I thought being here for two years would cure me, but I felt that I was doing better. But then I have nights like tonight, where my anxiety wakes up. It shakes, rattles and rolls directly to the surface and I am overcome by it.

Tonight, I found myself surrounded by familiar faces who I have come to know and like on an individual level. People who I have strong connections too. But the moment that small group of people morphed into 5 or 6 of us, standing around at customer service waiting for the manager to relieve us from that god awful place, I froze up.

I found myself not being able to breathe. I found myself fading away. From the conversation, from their eyesight. I wanted to stay with them and be a normal person for once and communicate with my peers. I wanted to laugh at their jokes and convince them that I too would be attending a much hyped pool party in two weeks. but of course I eventually drifted from them until I was in a safe little corner, far far away, where the only voice I could hear was my own irrational one trying to hold back what feels like a beast inside of me.

And by the time we were finished cleaning up, I had removed myself so far from them that they forgot I was there. It wasn't until we grabbed our stuff from the break room did they ask what had happened to me.

But I was too inside my head to respond. I kept thinking, why can't I just do this. Be less anxious, be a freaking normal 24 year old.

Why can't I just do this. Where did I start to fall apart allowing this 'thing' to emerge and eclipse me. I find myself on nights like these wanting to pinpoint the exact moment it all began and ripping it from my memories.

Maybe it began the moment that car struck us, sending us through the air and into a ditch, causing my face to resemble that of a boxer after a tough fight. Maybe it was in the 9th grade when He said I ' wasn't ugly but...' in front of my acting class but then he never answered as everyone waited patiently.

Or maybe it was earlier, way earlier, during the days I felt like a grown up because everyone around me seemed too lost to be one.

Whatever that point it is, I want to claw it out of me and discard it. Because it has fucked me up. I want to claw out that moment in time where I started hiding to escape the noise, to escape the fear. Because it has made me a screwy and insecure person yearning to fall into my skin again and be normal.

What the hell is wrong with me?