.40 cent Rejection.

Another job to add to the lists of ones I don't have.

Damn.

I tripped over the cat this morning on the way to the bathroom, only then to trip on a stack of mail in front of my door. After apologizing to the cat and then cursing the mail, I looked down to see what treats snail mail had in store for me.

But I immediately saw that one of those letters was from PNJ, and the moment I picked up the thin envelope I knew it was 'a thank you for coming in to meet with us but...' sort of thing. I slinked back into my room, sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope to read those all too familiar words.

I think college rejections prepare you for these sort of things. I was rejected from two out of the five schools I applied to while I was in High School. Grant it they were NYU and this really pompous liberal arts school that escapes my memory now but it still burned.

Anyway, because I lived at home my mom would get the mail first. When those two letters came she handed them over to me and reminded me that they weren't my first choice (UPitt was) and that this wasn't the end of the world.

Regardless I didn't want to read the rejection in front of her. Because no matter how hard you value your self worth, a rejection is a stomp to the stomach. It makes you think that the last 18 or 24 years of affirmation have been lies. Like when your mom says that you were the prettiest baby she ever saw only because...well your her baby. She has to say shit like that.

I remember reading the NYU rejection letter and feeling like my world had imploded. Yeah, I only applied because that year Mary Kate and Ashley Oslen were accepted to NYU and I thought 'how cool would it be if I had a class with them' (thinking back on it the answer is 'not cool at all. did they even really attend classes'). But once I got over the initial shock my first thought was 'upward and onward. can't stop here' and because my favorite movie at the time was Girl Interrupted the sentiment was more 'can't drop anchor here. much too close to do that'.

And despite being beyond numb from this one month ordeal (missed phone call, two week wait, interview, thank you notes via snail mailed that were returned by the mailman, more waiting, rejection) it's the only thing at this point that i can comprehend.

I can't drop anchor here. Can't.

But I am still a little down. I guess upward and onwards are my only course of direction.