How To Be Alone.

Yesterday a bunch of us for work went to a free showing of a unreleased movie. Yep folks, I was a part of a focus group. There is a first and last time for everything.

I'm working on being more social. I am. I promise. But I have loner tendencies that are pretty hard to shake. For me there is distinction being lonely and being alone. I enjoy my alone time. I revel in me days where I am only responsible for my own happiness.

Today I cleaned my room, danced to songs on the radio and read. Oh and I slept, a mighty long nap that I see myself repeating in the next hour so. These are lone activities that make the real world easier for me. If I didn't have these days of solitude I would go nuts. I have in the past become outwardly frustrated, moody and sullen when devoid of 'me' days.

But being lonely is completely different. I hate feeling on the outside of human connections. I hate feeling disconnected from the relationships I want to have. Though I enjoy 'me' days I often times which I had 'us' days.

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of having a core group of friends; a small, nerdy but close knit family of misfits. A Willow and Xander to my Buffy, a Gordo and Miranda to my Lizzie McGuire. And there was once a time when I had one, in the sixth grade that is. I've been searching for another group of friends such as those for a while.

I don't want a lot of friends. I don't need a million different people to know or even care who I am. I just want a few good and solid friends. Friends to hang out with on days when I don't want to being alone has caved into loneliness.

But this is where Anxiety and I collide. I don't know how to reach out and be social when I need to be. There is a science to hanging out I am not really great at. Despite how many times I actually hang out with people who seem to like me well enough.

Despite my reservations about this huge group outing ( 7 people) I really wanted to go. The stress of applying to jobs and working at Le Sad Store can take a toll on a girl. I wanted to just do something different and not inside my house and away from the wayward thoughts that make me sleepy.

Around 5:30 I headed to Le Sad Store to meet up with Blue, Evan, my good friend Toaster and a few other people before heading to the theater. To be honest the only reason any of us wanted to see this movie was because it was free. Even if it sucked hard core (I'll get to that later) not having to pay to see it was a plus.

We've been planning this for a few days. Free movie, maybe some snacks, a few laughs. At the last minute of course I almost bailed on the outing because it was freaking cold outside and any thought of leaving my house seemed insane. But a half hour later I was in the break room waiting for everyone to show up so we could go upstairs to the theater.



Toaster and Blue were already hamming it up in the break room while talking about super heroes and movie re-makes. I decided to waste my time getting some hot chocolate up in cafe. Kat was there on her break and she kept saying I looked 'anxious', 'super anxious' and 'uncomfortable' about the whole outing.



Truthfully I wasn't anxious. I was tired and cold but in ok spirits. The moment she said I looked anxious though I could only think back to that time I was on the debate team in high school (well briefly) and before the 3rd round of my speech one of the competitors said I was pronouncing a word wrong during my presentation.



I was pronouncing it correctly just with a a slight emphasis on the 'a', i think. Regardless she threw me off my game and concentration on purpose. She drew attention to something I was not paying attention too. And the next round I totally fumbled on the word because I was concentrating so hard on saying it correctly.



That's all I could think of when Kat said I looked 'nervous'. I suddenly began to feel nervous and anxious and out of sorts. And then she said she and Blue were planing on seeing a movie after the one he was going to see with us which only made me feel jealous despite my disinterest in dating Blue anymore. Thanks a lot Kat.



But the night went ok, I guess. We all finally came together like a band of kids on a school outing to head to the theater. Toaster and his girlfriend argued pretty much until we got in our seats, Blue kept complaining of hunger and Evan talked about drinking...a lot. I, for some reason, thought the movie we were going to see was called the Barn, and raved about my excitement to see the Barn in line. I sort of ignored the strange looks in line until I realized (during the opening scene) that the movie was not called the Barn made evident by the way the characters kept referring to the catastrophe taking place at The Bay. The Bay folks. Not the barn,



The movie was terrible,stinky and long. It was marketed as a mix between Paranormal Activity and every other film where shit hits the fan and people start dying for reasons you never really find out. Blue sat next to me and was antsy the whole time because he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be late for the film he was going to see with Kat.



We couldn't use our cellphones because of piracy issues and there were agents pacing the rows to make sure of this. Blue kept asking me what time it was and when I reached to pull out my cellphone he whispered loudly 'no, no, no, no they will catch you beckett. they will catch you'. We both then turned to see a very scary guy with binoculars looking out in the crowd. I was scared to pull out any form of electronic after that.



When the movie ended we had to take the longest survey ever. Blue split before the movie ended so he missed out on the questionnaire. Everyone then dispersed into their own little groups. Kat and Blue were waiting outside and Evan joined then in a talk session. Toaster, his girlfriend were still filling out the survey and I sort of just trickled by the group said 'see you later' and walked home.



I am such a loner. I felt bad for sort of leaving abruptly but realized how tense I was the whole night once the cold air hit my face and my body relaxed some.



I must get better at this. I must.

P.S Year of Magical Thinking tracklist up!