In Repair.

I returned to work last Saturday (after calling put the day of Marie's memorial)and am now in the mist of holiday shoppers and the suckassness of retail during xmas.




To be honest work, even though i hate it, has been the distraction i need right now. Helping frantic customers, calming down mentally unstable employees and ignoring a certain boy I use to have a crush on, has helped keep my sadness at bay. I am holding up as best as I can after the loss of my best friend. I've had several mini breakdowns at work, gotten into a very regrettable screaming match with Sean (which I will re-tell in detail after Christmas) and wore a skirt the other day (the first time in years) because....I wanted a change.

I've been on auto-pilot these last few days. My emotions are sort of all over the place and to prevent a complete and utter breakdown I, for now, am putting on a very brave face. If you only knew how bad Saturday was, you would understand why this is necessary.


When I say I got into a screaming match with Sean, I really mean, that I was a total and utter bitch to him when he tried to console me about 'the death in my family'. When I walked in on Saturday, everyone knew that I called out because someone very important to me died. No one knew, knows, the extent of the loss but nonetheless I was the topic of much discussion that day. "something is wrong with beckett", "she's not the same" "I wonder what's wrong?"

And I sort of expected this. I am usually very bubbly, affectionate and talkative at work. But Saturday I spent most of the day withdrawn and off to the side. I was polite but distant and my face sort of wore the weight of my depression. A lot of people asked what was wrong and I answered 'i got some bad news from home, but I'm doing okay. I promise". And for some that was enough. For others though, it was sort of a mission to dig the truth out of me and i finally admitted to one co-worker (a friend of sorts) that my best friend, took her life, and that i wasn't holding up well.

After giving me a hug and letting me cry on his shoulder he ran to Sean (who i spent the day avoiding) and told him why I was upset. The moment he found out, he hounded me the rest of my shift. He wanted to pull me in for a hug, and have me talk about what was ailing me, he asked if i was mad at him, and that he wanted to fix whatever was bothering me. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.

But of course, any attempt for him to console me, was weeks too late. I did come to him when I thought Marie was missing to ask for his advice and he told me to 'do what i did before I knew her". He disregarded my concerns because he didn't know her and doesn't care enough about me as a friend to give a shit about what goes on with me outside of work. He proved then and there that he isn't a true friend of mine or someone I ever want to associate with or come to for anything. And when he was bugging me on Saturday to come to him, I lost it.

I fucking screamed at him (in the receiving part of our store, far far far away from customers). I told him that he couldn't help and that I didn't need him to console me. That i felt like shit and that I did not care to come to him for anything ever. I don't think I have ever been that mad and then mean to someone in my whole entire life. Anger is not a part of who i am, but i must admit that I am full of it these days and i am taking it out on people i tried to confide in who turned me away.

He has never seen that side of me also. And before I could even utter a 'i'm fucking pissed but i didn't mean to blow up at you like that' i heard him walk away. We didn't speak the rest of the day. His face burned read the rest of the shift. I apologized on Sunday, because while grief has brought out anger in me I don't wish to make anyone feel bad. But that doesn't mean I am not disappointed in him or myself for ever wanting him to be something he can't. I still can't get over the fact that I want nothing to do with Sean now. I don't want to talk to him, or hug him or listen to his dumb stories. I want to do what I did before I knew him....I want to exist and go one making connections to people who care about me. And that excludes him.

No one seems to understand that the girl I was before Marie died will never exist again. Sure I will find myself back to the stable happy,bubbly, optimistic girl that I was. That is a given. I will grow older and make friends and be passionate about writing and taking pictures and hugging cute boys. I will exist and go on and cope with my pain because I have people and things to live for. But at the same time, I will feel Marie's absence forever. From time to time I will want to call her and tell her how I am doing. I will want to hear her laugh and recount stories from our youth. I will contemplate why she decided to leave and if there was anything I could have done. But foremost, I will go on living with that constant regret that she isn't here to experience it with me.

Her death has changed me. I feel different. Numb. Broken. Sent out for Repair. I am a walking, talking, seemingly functioning human being who is faking it to the world. I smile and nod and pretend to care because the people around me need me to be the 'former beckett'. The one who hasn't been altered by the death of her friend. They don't need the sad, sullen Beckett. They don't want to know how I am holding up because they know the truth will make them sad too.

And for the most part, putting on the brave face is something I'm okay with doing during this holiday rush. But come Monday I know i will once again be face to face with my own grief and I am terrified by this road to healing. It is necessary but terrifying all the same because I will be left with the 'what happens now' question.

Until then though, Life goes on. I am doing okay, holding up and trying to write as much as I can. A lot of people have stepped up in the friend department and I have been more than grateful for them. I am working tomorrow and Xmas eve and then I am off to my aunts house to spend Christmas with them. Being around my cousin will be good for me. She is darling and inquisitive and made me promise to bake cookies for Santa (i haven't told her yet that i don't know how to bake cookies but we'll figure it out together). She even called yesterday (via begging my aunt) to ask if I was definitely spending Christmas with them. When I said yes, she seemed relieved. Being wanted and needed is comforting, and it is that alone some days that is carrying me through these weeks.

I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday. I know I've been very depressed lately but your support means a lot. Please enjoy the next few days for me. It will mean the world to me to know that all of you had a very delightful holiday weekend surrounded my friends and family.

~Beckett.