Hanging in There.

I haven't been able to post in a while.

Work, people, and general anxiety is all consuming lately.

I have a day off tomorrow and outside of grabbing lunch with Heather, I will finally be able to write again. I feel like I can only say what I want to say in words.

I am holding up okay but talking about my grief to other people is not an option. Which is sort of making it hard to get through this. I feel guilty for being sad around people, especially after being so mean and distant towards them the week after her death.

I was angry because I felt like no one understood what I was going through and their attempts at consoling me (pulling me in for hugs, telling me that I could come to them for anything) wasn't enough. Because the only thing that would fix the situation s impossible for anyone to do. So i sulked an pushed people away and unplugged for awhile.

And I guess for a while it made it easier because I can't stand the look on my friends faces when I tell them that Marie killed herself. It is a mix of pity and sorrow and a "i don't know how to react to that. imma leave you alone now". The other night Sean, who i profusely apologized to for yelling at, were talking about something or another and I made the mistake of saying 'the person i use to go to for all these life questions is no longer here. it's weird you know'. And for a split second he had no idea what I was talking about so he asked "who's that person....oh (he face then turned red)...I'm sorry, i should have put two and two together, I'm really sorry".

That's how i feel about everything lately. That my life( and grief) is this big open wound that people are a) trying to ignore because it'll bring them down too or b) that they are trying to mend in ways that aren't helping.

And I can't fault them. Most of them have never gone through anything like this. Hell up until three weeks ago neither had I. But I feel alone in trying to understand her life and death. In trying to put together the pieces of our friendship and why she thought this was the only option. I am coping, I am mending, I am putting one foot in front of the other.

But I am a different girl now, forever changed by her death. I'm resilent and strong though fragile and now timid about opening up to people. My opinions about life, love and friendship are all mixed up and I am struggling to understand why love alone isn't enough to cure depression. She was such a huge part of my life that having to plan my life without her is what often stops me in my tracks. Like a punch in the gut, I am out of breath when i realize there will being many moments when I accidently reach for the phone to call her only to remember she isn't here anymore.

This alone is where grief suddenly gets the best of me. I am consumed with sadness and anxiety because I've never considered life without her. There was never this idea in my head that at 25, ushering in the new year, I wouldn't be able to call her and talk about all the possible plans for our future...together. That Marie will only function as a memory now that I guard with my life.

And a Me without Her feels weird. It's doable. It's a reality that I have no other choice but to accept but it's weird, and strange and for a little while a lonely, lonely, lonely existence. Maybe talking to someone about this would help? I thought about going into therapy again but I just don't think I can afford it especially now that the store is cutting hours (as they always do after the holidays). But I've realized in the last few weeks that my friends here aren't equipped to deal with my grief in all it's entirety. Hell, no one is really. They can give hugs and attempt to make me smile and forgive me for being a bitch and dick some days. But what they can't do is help me understand what happens now to my life that my best friend is gone.

I don't think anyone but I can do that. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

Anyway, I got to work to soon. My mom bought me this really comfortable footed pajama's for Christmas and I must say I'd rather stay in bed wearing them all day instead of dealing with customers. But i only work till 7, 'James Franco look-a-like' made me a Christmas present, though he celebrates Hanukkah so maybe it's a late Hanukkah present i don't know, and tomorrow I have a day off. A much needed day off. So today won't be that bad.

I've also been decorating my room (a lot) lately and there is something comforting in making my living space a sanctuary. I finally got my writing/computer desk area together and am now attempting to build a reading nook/corner in my room. Being handy and crafty is my thing now. It's the one change i'm comfortable with this days. Pictures to come soon once i clean up the small solo new years eve party mess i made. Let's just say there was a lot of pizza, apple cider and singing cher loudly into the night...with tears have you. Now my room is gross and smells like leftovers. Ugh.